On Manipulation.

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This comes from an anonymous message board; a call for help about a manipulative friend. Our OP tells of a friend in her school, both studying to help those with of physical and psycosocial limitations. The friend suffers from a mental illness, and recently attempted suicide.

Since then, this friend has been told not to enroll in the next year of school and get closer to her family; in hopes to repair her mental state. However, the relationship between OP and her friend has suffered as a result.

The friend will often encourage OP to quit schooling also, or diminish the importance of their studies. This friend would continue to imply that she could not eat, sleep, or feel at ease without OP around. Here's what we had to say about her situation. Lets call this friend, Gina.

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Its often a misunderstood factor of bipolar, what seems like manipulation is almost a symptom. It's like an impulse reaction born from the constant pressure and pain of the illness.

Being sick, being told that they can't make the same decisions as other students, and being told to get close to a family who may have been neglectful to her in the past --- all these factors together is a recipe for panic, anxiety, and fear of abandonment.

The fact that you are moving ahead scares Gina.

It's very common for someone with mental illness to show deep care and affection for you in the wrong ways. We don't have reliable sources of reference, and we're often guessing at why we're upset or afraid about something in the first place.

This manipulation is sort of like Gina's way of saying "I really love you and seeing you become someone amazing makes me afraid that you will leave me behind"

Its Gina's way of saying "I feel so small around you and I'm afraid you won't like me anymore if you keep getting bigger"

It's Gina's way of saying "If you really leave im gonna be lost without you, Im going to miss you so much, so you better call me, and make plans with me when you're in town"

It's Gina's way of saying "I just need you to tell me that no matter how successful you become, you won't leave me behind"

Its almost impossible for someone with mental illness to not spill a bit of toxicity out no matter what we do, and sometimes we just never got to learn how to develop interpersonal relationships because most people give up on us.

I won't say cut her from your life, but I will that you need to trade sentiments.

She needs to know you won't abandon her

You need her to stop treating you like you're less than you are.

And you don't need to be her best friend---

Forgiveness first, compromise together, and read between the lines of what she says if it seems like she's saying something to hurt you.

Lastly, and most importantly, you need to ask your heart whats best for your heart. If you're not enjoying the time you spend with her, even from the best perspective, then I have to imagine she is just here now to teach you a lesson. A lesson that seems directly related to your aspirations.

Remember;

"you're not gonna make it, stay here" means "I'll miss you"

Hope this helps.

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Here is a peice written in response to my own experience with a severly manipulative friend. NSFW

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i say lets hang out again next week - you show up the next day.

i say lets split the bill - you insist on paying every-time

i say im not comfortable with you always buying me things - you say 'you can get it next time' but next time never comes.

i say life is actually pretty great right now - you keep saying your worried about me

i say i think i'd like to be alone for the day - you come over anyway and say its for my mental health.

i say i don't want to drink any alcohol - you bring it over anyway

i say fine, ill have one beer - you pour liquor into it

i feel like shit the next day and need rest - you show up with more alcohol

i pace back and forth wonder how to interact with you anymore - you sit on my couch and stare at your phone for 10 minutes

i become enraged and start yelling at you - you're dumbfounded

i'm hating life right now - you say 'it gets better'

i tell you to shut your fucking mouth, and some other incoherent rage vomit comes from my mouth - you say 'we all have our demons to battle'

i tell you to get the fuck out - you leave

hour goes by, I realize you left a bunch of shit here, food in my fridge, clothes, other personal possessions, empty bottles. how did this stuff even end up here?

I wonder about how you dont ask anymore if i want to hang out. and if you can tell I want to be alone, then you keep repeating stuff like 'i'm bored, what are you doing tonight?'

I spend most of my time at home and you knows it - that means when you are free, I am free. That means my time is your time. That means as soon as you're off work, I'm available, no matter what.

I wonder why you don't listen to the things I say, about my real needs, if you are so concerned with my mental health.

I wonder all this time you've had an agenda. i'm an escape for you, a project to fix, and i'll owe a better life to you. i might be desperate enough to be fooled into needing you and that seems to be just the path you want me on.

i text you to come get your shit - you say you'll get it later

i say ok...

i realize I've just relinquished control again within an hour - text you again

i say go fuck yourself, your shit's on the curb - you finally show your true colors.