Our OP is searching for something, but not quite sure what. Insight, connection, perhaps something spiritual- anything to bring reprieve from observing the state of the world. They initially weren't sure what question to pose, but keep thinking about balance between all of life's dualities. Light, dark. Sun, moon. Good, bad.

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Sun, moon - good, bad.. Well I'm reminded of everything going on and looking at it as if I couldn't read or speak any languages, and all I see is warfare. Which fight is just is for you to decide. However both sides are capable of the same wicked nature they stone each other for - because the fact remains, no matter your side, you are human. You have a mind.

That's the fear behind the side that fights to keep 'the bad' in power. The fear is that if the roles switch, those in power will be tortured, broken, raped, left in poverty, lied to, poisoned, stripped of their rights- they're afraid what they've been doing will be done to them.

Which is exactly what fuels their purpose to further oppress, the worse it gets the more fear of a worse punishment. So we resist further. Have not we learned in a thousand ways that resistance makes us stronger? We're we never taught- but from the escape granted by an inspirational author or an eastern philosopher- that peace also makes us stronger?

There must have been a time when that fear was purpose... Purpose to prevent those they put faith in from being oppressed, tortured, broken. And over time we act in a manner which we learned from youth- behaving in contrast against verbal combinations of letters and sounds that oppose themselves in concept.

Good and Bad are different colored cloaks, like the skin we're fighting for; It's still just a veil donned over the human experience.

But like the Moon, good and bad has phases. The moon has a spectrum it sways through, though incessantly pelted by space trash. Consider the 'lawful/neutral/chaotic evil' idea. 

'Bad' has a spectrum within 'good and bad' --- so what spectrum is 'good and bad' on one end of? What phases in and out, forcing this collective awareness on us? And where does the spectrum sway when our mind trails elsewhere- when the dust settles and the voices that still need to be heard continue to fight silently?

I wonder most of all, if that is where we are now. If we are on the opposing side of the spectrum- where good and bad is not so easy to see. Sensationalism has caused us, not to be numb or indifferent, but to be so effected by watching a person die that every person reacts with the same aggression, and those who need us most remain unheard. We're not at the point where we can see good and bad with clarity; it's all quite grey.

So if we can see that our fight on either side is grey, and collectively shift our aggression, then we can see it is not resistance we must use, but allowance. Perhaps let the goverment act but we all stay home, and I mean ALL of us. We feed our neighbors, tend to each others hearts and not choose for others to take the responsibility. We turn off the cameras. We unplug the phones. Repoters go home. We stop spending money. We stop voting. How quick they might change to get eyes on them again.

The good and bad we are seeing in the govenment is one end of another spectrum. It remains at it is as long as we continue applying resistance, but if we let it sway instead of roping onto the collective aggression... if we allow the natural phases...

Consider too, how the reality of nature is responding. Nature cannot speak to us directly, but here we have a reminder in the form of a virus- to stay put, rest, recover... but we keep going...

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OP, absorbing this response, came with some heavy questions; "What is good and bad but illusions of the self?" "Why does knowing the intricacies not give me power or peace?" "Instead it just feels as though we will never reach the only understanding. The same things that separate us literally keep us together..." "Why does it feel like a wheel?" "Why can't we get passed this?" 

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The wheel seems to be exactly what everyone is trying to break out of. And whether we know it or not, it's cracking open as [you read this]. Since we don't know what it looks like to break and rebuild that cycle - and were taught to fear the alternatives - we keep going through it by resisting it. Yelling at it to change and then go to their voting booth and pick from their chosen few. Misdirected energy.

We trust others to take our worries so we can be left with peace but they've been casting us aside for their pockets. I don't feel I can trust the people in power. And we continue, just to fight each other while they do what they please, acting as though they represent us. Surrender of Power.

How do we as individuals come to trust each other when we hear about fraudulent voting, and passing bills with secret code embedded into them which contain their true intention- when we have very limited accessibility to politicians, and an overabundance of speculation/conspiracy. Absence of faith.

Part of the issue is we haven't accepted that our thoughts in our mind dont have to influence the peace in our hearts. Too often we respond to our emotions with action, when its apparent to me this is a time for global reflection.  Fear Response.

Remember the wheel is just made of a special arrangement of atoms. If a thousand people stood front to back in a circle and you pushed the person in front of you, eventually the guy behind you pushes you. We can't get passed it because we're all staying in line and the leaders prostrate themselves in the center, too arrogant to give direction. Idolization.

The thing is... how do we know the guy on TV is the guy in the center? How do we know he's not in line pushing whoever is ahead of him, causing us to fall over each other- while someone out of the spotlight demands him to do so. Recognition of Truth (or stripping away of lies; painful experience)

Ask yourself, not of the greater cycle that encapsulates everything, but what smaller, seemingly insignificant cycles do you perform which keep you in the line? What patterns do you act on with the promise of bringing peace when it only becomes a repeating mechanical response that must feed itself? 

Another thing to ponder: similar patterns of thought.. Things that are almost Narrating our lives - havent you been told your whole life that the world was going to end soon? How do you think that effects your decision making? How does that effect the global psyche? How much of your being makes decisions with that idea as a concept?

How many times every day you ask yourself 'whats the point?' when you ponder your dreams and desires. How many times have we considered suicide, excessive drugs/sex/food/entertainment? and How many times have we acted on it? Any of these things could be done out of the idea that theres not enough time to take it all in, that there's not enough love to find your place. For some of us, there is no hope; we fall between clinging to consumption and ecstacy and extracting ourselves completely. 

We wait for Justice, we wait for those in power to make it right, we wait and yell from our tiny squares and the longer we wait the closer 'the end' gets. And we have to find peace before we End right? Because if we dont, who knows if we carry it on. We're all speculating. Were all afraid; and whatever 'Peace' might be, I can't continue to believe its what I've been taught. If there is anywhere to start, it is understanding, and to put practice into observing ourselves. Watch the reaction instead of becoming it. View it as if from a screen for a moment instead of immediately identifying with it.

If we lean into a more metaphysical concept, it could all be something of a global emotional/cognitive shift. The discord you are feeling, that many are feeling, seemingly without reason, is just the veils between us thinning. Eventually the most powerful person in the world will feel the pain of the most broken - because the veils shrouding the connection of our hearts are breaking away - There will come an understanding that no one can be at peace until were all at peace; with ourselves, and that which we hate.

Our OP asked a very simple question after explaining that they will soon reveal their symptoms of depression to their family, but fear they will not accept or understand it. The turmoil of mental illness seems absent in their immediate family, so they wished to gain some insight ahead of the conversation. 'Can Mentlal Illness be passed down in a family, but skip a generation?'

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Mental illness is a wide spectrum, and depression: its own branching spectrum. There could be residuals of this in all your family members, some more than others.

It was strange the ways I had to find out about mental illness in my family. As I grew up phrases like "we don't get along" were code for severe alcoholic(an uncle), like "don't worry about him" and "it's not your fault" were code for mentally unfit to raise a child and there's nothing we can do about it(my dad), like "you're nothing like your brother" were code for I want to believe you are well but just different and I'm too afraid if that's wrong.

My brother is extremely successful, married, and had a second child last year, got through college, had literally one job his whole youth before he built something of a following to sustain his dream-job and family. He seems perfectly content, and I have to say he got (nearly;) all the dominant genes. But trying to get him to understand why I couldn't achieve what he did is impossible. Simply because he was raised the same way I was - ignorant to the idea that the physical brain could be flawed.

Since my family on all sides is too stubborn to seek medical attention, we're all pretty much pretending to be well. My Aunt is a bit sloth-like(perhaps autistic) but an absolute sweetheart and very openminded. Dad is a pill-poppin roid-head rage-addict but i never starved or got kidnapped so he has that going for him. Mom is a Saint, rather too supportive, but emotionally blank. Paternal Uncle is normal, Paternal Grandmother was normal -(cant say about either Grandpas they died while I was quite young)- Maternal Grandmother also considered a severe alcoholic along with a slew of mental health issues.

So there are certainly signs of it here and there but not throughout the whole family; just taking my own experience into account. Had all my family gotten mental health check-ups, it might be a different story. I might be with a clear diagnosis and not pursued illicit substances as a treatment for what I didn't know I had.

I applaud your courage to bring to light your ailment, and I fear- (again, from my own experience)- that it might prompt them to take action. Be weary.

It's important that they understand not to overwhelm you with their solutions or their thoughts about how you feel or how you should feel. And ignore those too who are afraid to admit there own flaws- the ones who try to discredit the reality of mental illness.

Trekking through my life oblivious to the inevitable progression of the illness, then losing the ability to prevent manic and depressive states, then came the family 'cures' and having to combat it by educating myself--- So naturally I was on my own. It's still not easy to get them on the same page, but perhaps you will have better luck.

I wish things could have gone better, and I know there's no hard feelings between us. Point is I see now that had I accepted sooner that I had a chronic and progressing illness, I might have been able to help my family understand. There are a few that still accept me though.

While I trust there will be acceptance for you- given my experience was before the internet could correct people- I find there is still limited awareness about having a person with depression in your life; what that's like, and how to interact. Overall I encourage you to continue pursuing a greater understanding of your individual needs, and also seeking aid here from those who've experienced mental illness.

Secondly I recommend seeking 2 medical opinions. Perhaps a third if both recommend medicating. Medication is not always the answer, money wont buy what you will learn on your own with understanding your needs and aligning you're daily-self-maintenance with your fluctuating emotions. Medication comes after that alignment. Otherwise it's throwing mentos in a coke bottle.

″“I’m... What happened to you?”″

‘Sinking into the whirlpool of thought, worried you will misinterpret what I say. You believe I am hiding something. Of course I am - everything is subject to your discernment; and I am expected to trust that implicitly because of-- I don’t know what, principle? I see that you are but human, that I am not in your heart but the days obstacle.’

″“Don’t claim to know what’s in my heart. You’ve always been quiet, and you keep me at arms length even now- Especially now. Everything you say is so calculated... What am I left to do but guess what goes on in your head?”″

‘That is not admission. There is more to a person than what they say.’

″“Ok, but you seem like you’re protecting yourself... from ME!”″

‘No that’s not it, that’s-’

″“I’m here, waiting around for you to open up to me, but you don’t trust me or-”″

‘No, I-’

″“I don’t understand what more I have to do, I know I’m not perfect but God damnit-”″

‘Please’

″“I’m not here to hurt you or, or betray you. I just want to be-”″

‘PLEASE... ... ... please stop. I... just need to take a breathe.’

...

″“I dont know what you-”″

‘Please just... I have to... I need to take tremendous care in the words I choose.’

″“WHY? Why can’t you just speak to me OPENLY? What is it you have to think about so much? I have to convince myself to give you the benefit of the doubt every day. I am the one who feels like they’re alone. I’m the one that-”″

‘ITS YOU!’

″“What? What is?”″

‘You... are the one I’m protecting.’

″“From WHAT?”″

’From... I... ... ... There’s always a protaganist and an antagonist to every story. And in this particular story, I am both of those people... There’s never a moment where I’m not at war with myself. Against every experience, every decision, every memory. And out here becomes the wake of each battle.

’I have done... horrible things. I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt animals. I have thought mostly of myself. I’ve driven people apart. I’ve shown love to many and then took it away. I have forgotten my own priciples. Discarded my dreams. My heart is tainted. I am nothing of what I intended to be... ... ...

‘And it is this moment- always this moment that I fear most. By now I would have already attempted to insult you deeply and force you to leave before it gets any worse. Because once you understand and accept that I am broken; you hold my fate with your next decision. And that is so terribly frightening. I’ll understand if you-’

[THEN HIS DUMBASS GETS INTERRUPTED BY A SMOOCH, HOW DO I WRITE ROMANCE GUYS LOL]

They continued to meet the challanges of life together, supporting each other when they could, and, in gratitude, bore witness to one anothers growth. They came to see themselves as growing each day; so as not to outshine that which sheds light.

They came to appreciate their differences and shortfalls. And also the impermanance of life. They sought further with the strength they had together and discovered themselves. From the demons that, too, had red blood in their veins - to the innocent whose blood is drained before they had an after. They came to see themselves in all things and all people; so as not to shroud that which needs light.

Together they wept all of their tears,

and together, laughed of all their joy.

I don’t understand what it must feel like.

I do know what it means have an invisible illness.

Without Major Mental Health Reform, there will continue to be violent Police Officers. This is all I can understand, so I will continue my pursuit to make it known that the you and your loved ones must be protected by non-violent people, mentally sound people.

I will advocate mandatory, thorough, and indefinite psychological evaluation for anyone given the privilege to protect you; whether they are currently holding that honor, or will in the future.

For those disabled, stuck at home, or out of protesting areas,

Consider signing a few petitions for the Families and don’t flinch when you see how much support there already is - donate if you can, send relief packages, reach out to a neighbor so your community feels safe. Reach out to someone you know. Let them know you’re on their side.

If you must share news and spread awareness, don’t forget to remind everyone of the protesters who have remained silent and peaceful, of the protesters cleaning the streets behind the crowd, of the protesters bringing water food and medical supplies to other peaceful protesters, of the protesters protecting Cops who are taking our side.

If you must share news and spread awareness, don’t forget those who have died for the same reasons before it got to this point, don’t forget those who are dying right now or recovering from a lost battle, and don’t forget those who are fighting to protect them and the rights of the rest of us who are disabled, stuck home, or out of protesting area.

Thanks for reading.

Please stay safe. I love you all.

not for hearts or shares - find a black writer and share their material

sign a petition, donate

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This post is from a public Mental Health board. OP describes their Mother as initially supportive of their mental health issues, yet dismissive when they open up about the more disturbing aspects of their mental states. They’re normal day to day attidude is rather quiet and seemingly normal; which is why they believe their Mother ignores their cries for help.

They believe they are depressed, with a mild case of ADHD, but have no financial means for seeking psychiatric care, nor will the Mother consider getting them evaluated. They have come to consider their last resorts to ease the pain; drugs, alcohol, even suicide. Others on this message board have advised them to leave their toxic environment, however they are still a minor. They wish to leave, but are struggling to survive the wait.

What they are most afraid of is if they are faking these feelings and thoughts. They worry that they have the wrong idea about themselves, and that what they’ve been bottling up for so long has no real meaning or validity. They wonder if it’s just a phase and not worth seeking help at all, and that their parents are right to ignore them.

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You’re definitely in the right lane- looking for help online. There is a lot of ways to get help without having to go anywhere, and not all of it costs money. Just talking to a community of strangers can be therapeutic, and free!

But that doesn’t mean it will work %100 . Its only one component in the daily maintenance of living with mental illness. Just remember not to give out private info if you end up making a friend. Once you can legally make decisions for yourself, you can remove yourself from the toxic environment, and from there - find the proper medical assistance. There is therapy available without cost, but there is usually a waiting list.

Moving ahead; know that thoughts of suicide or substance abuse are normal when dealing with mental illness. Do not fall into the trap of believing it’s ‘wrong’ or ‘weak’ or ‘unreasonable’ to have these thoughts or feelings. The people in your life who aren’t willing to accept or understand mental illness will never be convinced until they experience it outside of their household. Because you’re young, parents often believe they know best about what you are going through.

Just know that this isn’t true; they can help you not starve to death and keep you hygenic, make sure you don’t get kidnapped - so in your case, let that be the extent of their responsibility. When they want to tell you how you feel or what you should to about it, just agree and move on. They won’t understand, but you can find the people that will.

About the idea that what you feel isn’t real; There’s nothing to fake! The idea that the brain is a perfect instrument without flaw is ridiculous.

There is a spectrum of intensity encapsulating all emotion; some so intense that those experiencing it are considered severely ill and placed in institutions for the safety of themselves and others. Some are just basic emotional occurrences that all people feel.

It’s all within range of the reality of being human. What you feel is real, but as a race, we aren’t advanced enough to understand, let alone accept, each degree of the spectrum. In our ignorance, we can easily assume it’s the worst case scenario in the same way our parents would assume it’s not real.

So be weary moving ahead that you do not adapt an understanding that is equally taxing. The idea that you are incurable or not treatable can be just as damaging as never being sure if there is something to treat.

Another thing I would suggest is keeping a detailed log of how you feel. the things you try and explain to your mom - write it down instead, and you will have something for a doctor to review once you get to that stage.

The body has other ways to shift emotional and mental states in the moment. Something as simple as 2 minutes of stretching can help get more oxygen to your brain and help relieve stress in the moment. 30 Seconds of Deep Breathing can help in recovering from intense emotional states in the moment as well.

If you absolutely must take something to ease your pain, take the most holistic approach possible; tea and herbs, Chamomile, Valerian Root, Ginko Biloba --- try to get some vitamins too; a b-complex and iron supplement. Basic nutrients that many of us don’t get enough of in our diet.

These are great for brain health, and physical health. You can make it seem like you need them for your physical health; perhaps you’ve “taken an interest in nutrition and physical health,” - something that your legal guardians might not be immediately dismissive towards; putting that veil on can be a way to still get support from those around you.

There are ways to apply a physical treatment to mental issues, and perhaps if you lean into that, your guardians will support it - maybe a yoga class! Just keep the mental benefits to yourself; they have no business sharing your joy anyway.

About the more illicit sunstances; there is no alcohol or drug that will make any of it feel better, trust me I’ve tried for years. I have gone untreated for a long time because I wanted to believe when my parents said there was nothing wrong with me. And now have severe physical symptoms from the years of stress, insomnia, depression, malnutrition, and lack of support.

If you HAVE to take the substance route and are completely unable to get evaluated by a doctor and get prescribed medication - consider only Microdosing with cannabis.

Understand that this is a last resort method to keep yourself from ending up in the hospital or worse. and have faith that a very small amount will do wonders. It won’t be an immediate solution, as you must treat it like any other medicine. The intention is not to flood your body with THC- Its to compensate for the lack of Seratonin being released naturally.

However, again - I must urge you to consider otherwise, and try safer methods first. This method has worked for some, but it does not work for everyone. It may make matters worse...

Lastly; About your parents... The hardest part about this is finding people who won’t dismiss you, and who will listen to your needs. Unfortunately, YOU are going to be one of the only people listening, hour to hour. So give your effort into helping yourself, and finding those who understand.

Those closest to you... the family you are born into... they’re not necessarily the right people for you. You must decide that they are not the people who will influence your life, especially if their effort only serves to discourage your truth.

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This anonymous OP describes themselves as introverted, compassionate, and creaetive. Since a recent surgery, there have been neuroligical issues coming to light. What they can only refer to now as 'episodes' have been occurring. Blanking out, heavy dissociation, time loss, and memory loss.

Because OP has a Genetic disposition for ADD, ADHD, and Seizures, their doctors are currently looking into these as a means of diagnosis. The latest theory is Focal Seizures; which are caused by residual electric energy building up in a localized area of the brain. Although it is not a full diagnosis, they are taking medication, and awaiting their next doctors appointment.

Here is where OP's sense of fear comes in. They aspire to animate and are most afraid that they must forfeit this passion without choice. As their symptoms worsen, they search for answers on how to cope.

NSFW

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For me; youth, almost in its entirely, very much felt like a fugue state, looking back on it. Somewhere near the end of my adolescence everything in my mind sort of spiked; an emotional/psychological revelation if you will.

It was a very intense experience which I often used substances to quell. But that didn’t slow things down. With an unusually high tolerance to most things and a pre-existing fear of losing control of myself, 99% of it was cannibis.

There was so much happening in my head; and all of it perfectly irrational- but also, in a way, aligning with the orations of gurus and mystics across the globe. aligning with the things my friends would talk about after their 3 day acid trips.

Sooner or later I came to realize that this ‘epiphany’ or spontaneous intelligence I might have had wasn’t anything I decided to work for, and It wasn’t exactly prayed for either.

I didn’t understand it but I understood everything else...

At least... I finally understood how my reality was in contrast with the foundations of truth- and began stripping away the layers I stacked and what I saw underneath demanded to be written and spread to the world.

So that was my goal - I set out to write something. Anything, a script, a novel, a biography, i wasn’t sure, but I needed to start writing.

That was 11 years ago - and I have no published works. Sure lots and lots of writing was done, but never published.

A few years, a few doctors, and a few prescriptions after this initial spike, there was a great decline- a massive depression.

The greater point here is that after another year, I spiked again. At some point the meds were useless, cannabis too, but there were worse side affects this time around. manic states, short temper, pacing, lost in thought, extreme anxiety, not eating, sleeping, not caring for myself at all; but my brain is exploding again with thoughts and ideas and nonsense begging to be organized and written.

Before anything gets organized - the spike drops again. Back into depression; and with still worse side effects. Im ending up in the psych ward more often. taking 4 or 5 different medications at a time. its almost impossible to keep a job, maintain contact with people, there was suddenly so much unwarranted anguish - but, my life is not bad dude. I’m in the thicc boi nation, ya boi don’t starve for nothin.

All my brain knew was that it has to figure out why I feel so horrible, so it would just come up with ideas on its own because there was perhaps a greater fear of the unknown. So like, I’d come into a bout of mental turmoil and my brain will think about why - deciding something like; “Oh that one time in 4th grade when had to fart during silent study and I tried to cough to cover it but the cough ended up delaying the fart so basically I got everyone’s attention, and then farted --- that MUST be why I’m feeling so ashamed and embarrassed right now” - complete nonsense.

I might not have realized it then, and we’re only a couple years within that 11 year period - but there was a pattern emerging. What I believed was ‘the spirits granting me eternal wisdom from beyond the physical realm’ was really my brain just doin some weird chemical shit... and If I wasn’t so loose with my understanding of reality, I might have caught it sooner.

Well, [OP] - why bother saying all this? Because I still have no Idea whats wrong. Every doctor i’ve seen in the last 11 years has had something different to say about whats going on. Their treatment and medication usually focuses on emotional maintenance and promoting physical self-care.

Not a single doctor has ever considered maybe there is something physical going on, or that the concoction of medication I’ve been ingesting was the worst possible thing - and that’s where I am today concerning what I actually know about whats wrong with me. Waiting to see more doctors.

Over the 11 years, I have experienced these spikes, at least 4 or 5 times a year, and when I look at the past year, that has perhaps tripled. I can go through a couple of spikes in a week; complete manic episode, out of control, anger, rage, paranoia - then through no will or effort, suddenly depressed, sleeping 16 hours at a time, no will to move or eat or practice hobbies. Classic Bipolar stuff, classic major depressive disorder stuff, classic borderline personality disorder, could be a very mild schizophrenic episodes, WHO KNOWS MAN, all I know is no 2 doctors said the same thing.

So now I sit here, with all this written work that I physically and mentally no longer have the energy for.

I’ve weened myself off all of their prescriptions (with direct supervision) and have chosen to microdose with cannabis - because there is currently no other effective way to eat without nausea, to sleep without tossing for 4 out of the 8 hours, to work on something without going feral at every obstacle, to have a conversation without forgetting everything that was said afterwards - - -

Anyway - the whole point of this unneccessarily long preamble;

--I’m losing my speech motor skills; stuttering stammering, often having to start over from the beginning of a thought to say it correctly.

--My balance is way off- I almost had to learn how to dance so my muscle memory will turn my feet and shift my weight when it feels like its falling.

--Depth perception, awareness of surroundings; if the furniture in my house ever moved and always stayed in the same place, I would still stub my toe on it every day.

--My memories have been difficult to recall, and some memories aren’t even trustworthy; I will have to have a conversation with someone twice because I was sure they said something else.

--My memories of childhood as well are largely different then my parents memories. You could say that’s pretty normal, and the strongest of those memories is from a very early trauma, so those details are up for question too.

--Oh and my brain has also decided, among other things, the importance of even storing certain memories at all; how much of a dope do I look like trying to tell you what I had for breakfast just before I arrived at work for the day. The look on my face must be equivalent to a molecular biologist about to crack the gene code of an extraterrestrial entity.

Apologies for being verbose. If you couldn’t tell, I still very much enjoy writing, but I’ve given up on making it into anything. My hands work well, and my brain has no trouble forming written sentences, my penmanship has not suffered either.

So my greater concern now is my speech. I can tell I’m losing it more and more and I have no way of knowing why or how to slow it down, neither do the doctors- they just want to give me more meds. A LOT more, but I’m dead weight on it; good luck getting me through an 8 hour work day with 1500mg of that nonsense coursing through my body.

So I’m losing my speech, I’m losing my memories - and my brain decided to have a little spike when I thought of all these things happening, when I pondered the emerging pattern in my physical health.

And to I started recording the things I write with my voice. Now the things I write are recorded; the thoughts I lose will be floating between my silly jokes and hobby discussions, all officially lost within the infinite ethernet.

The voice I know now will be available for me to hear for years to come, long after I lose it for good. The memories of my past will be there when I don’t carry them with me anymore.

This is the first time I’ve ever worked so hard on something and enjoyed doing it so much, and its becoming more than I ever could have hoped for with just writing---

And everyday when I put my face to the microphone, I’m giving a big Fuck You to the universe. and it feels so good.

I decided to lean into this; granted it takes HOURS to edit all of the slurring and stammering words, and HOURS more to organize what to say in order to actually start and complete an idea succinctly.

But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m in control. I feel like I’m producing something, really creating something. For the first time I don’t feel like everything I ever worked on up to this point was for naught.

Forgot to mention one thing - - - i read a study once about anxiety, depression, that made a lot of sense about my physical symptoms.

The mental stress any one person can go through is essentially harmful to the brain - so consider someone who has spent more waking time in states of stress and anxiety than most others - certain parts of my frontal lobe are being affected - synapses are weakening due to the stress, hence the trouble speaking/balancing- this is where the internal maintenance comes in.

What ever it could be that’s wrong - it will never mean you can’t be involved in creating something. You just have to know it really doesn’t matter how we lose it- one day its gone.

And If you're worried about your current skill level? - Check out any one of hundreds of the terribly animated shows that make it to adult swim/cartoon network. 12 oz mouse? LOL LOL LOL

Even with the time and effort it takes to make Japanese animation - there are still wildly successful animations that are just shite comparatively - crayon shin-chan lol

I had a conversation with a game dev who had to do the art all on his own - as a whole, it looks amazing, but then he explains he has zero art ability and youre like, yea it does look awful if formality really mattered - but it doesn’t - art comes in all forms.

Whatever stage your in, decide your ready to create, and you improve along the way.

Compare spongebob season one to now. compare adventure time season one to last season. even a live action show that goes on for years gets better as the seasons go on - improved camera & sound equipment, new writers, more famous co-actors, etc

So- screw it. It’s all going to get taken away at some point. whether its 10 years from now, or 60 years from now. Flip the universe the bird, defy nature; draw your god damn heart out.

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This post comes from and anonymous message board. Our OP tells about his desire for self improvement. He refers to his social and intellectual skills as lacking, and his charisma even worse. He explains that his peers treat him with disingenuine politeless, and never quite connect with him, and he often feels incompetant and uncool as a result. Here was our response.

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People eventually come to understand their own interests enough to sound intelligent and captivate their audience. Charisma is momentary, and just as insecurity, exists within all people in differing degrees. But a lot of it comes down to having interests, having the will to learn about new things.

The matter of intelligence, in the same way, is too broad of a spectrum to pinpoint anymore - there are 10,000 different facets of intelligence.

I’ve let many of my own mental faculties atrophy over time but certain things like social psychology, writing/poetry/prose, eastern cultures, metaphysical studies - all things that I can talk a good deal about in a conversation and maybe sound intelligent in moderation, but overall I forget more than I ever learn about something.

To take it a little deeper, there is no boundary to your intelligence- you’re connected to the network like the rest of us, your just using a bad web browser---

All that means is a little reprogramming. Consider thinning the gap between what you consider to be intelligent or not. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the culture you’re in and forget you are one of the more sophisticated life form in the known universe.

Consider how thin that gap is for others too; for the people you think are cool and smart. Any one should wear a badge of honor if they’re a biochemist or a master pianist, but they should never be afraid to admit that they can’t drive stick shift, or they always get spaghetti sauce on their shirt, or they haven’t been able to keep a relationship for more that a few months...

Have you watched that show Sherlock with actor Butternut CrinkleFries? One of the best things about the show is that this guy has the highest IQ of any room he walks in but his interpersonal skills are atrocious, moronic even.

Furthermore I don’t believe we’re entirely in control of who is drawn to us - most of the people in my life come and go whether they have interest in me or not. Most of them just give me an experience to learn from.

But this all sort of connects together where, learning new things and having a catalog of subjects to roll through will help both your intelligence and charisma - establishing the things you enjoy learning as personal interests and you’ll come to find many people who share it with you--- and a lot of them will be dumb as heck, or super smart, but mostly just happy to share their joy.

Furthermore, self improvement is a lifetime, day by day, game. if you stop, your actually moving backwards. Self improvement is a practice, and has 10,000 facets, just like intelligence.

The practice must be tended to like a garden. You don’t have to keep trying to plant what doesn’t take root. If the bugs keep eating away at your fruit, find a safe repellent. If there’s no nutrition in the soil then you need to dig around through some bullshit. And if your fruit comes out bad, so what, the earth recycles itself.

Oh, one last thing--- someone making you feel uncool or incompetent? cause that’s some of the most incompetent, uncool shit I’ve ever heard in my life - I don’t care if the dude went to MIT, or if he has Taylor Swifts phone number, or if he invented a time machine --- If you’re trying to make people feel stupid or embarrassed or just generally less than what they are, you forfeit all your earned respect and intelligence.

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This comes from an anonymous message board; a call for help about a manipulative friend. Our OP tells of a friend in her school, both studying to help those with of physical and psycosocial limitations. The friend suffers from a mental illness, and recently attempted suicide.

Since then, this friend has been told not to enroll in the next year of school and get closer to her family; in hopes to repair her mental state. However, the relationship between OP and her friend has suffered as a result.

The friend will often encourage OP to quit schooling also, or diminish the importance of their studies. This friend would continue to imply that she could not eat, sleep, or feel at ease without OP around. Here's what we had to say about her situation. Lets call this friend, Gina.

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Its often a misunderstood factor of bipolar, what seems like manipulation is almost a symptom. It's like an impulse reaction born from the constant pressure and pain of the illness.

Being sick, being told that they can't make the same decisions as other students, and being told to get close to a family who may have been neglectful to her in the past --- all these factors together is a recipe for panic, anxiety, and fear of abandonment.

The fact that you are moving ahead scares Gina.

It's very common for someone with mental illness to show deep care and affection for you in the wrong ways. We don't have reliable sources of reference, and we're often guessing at why we're upset or afraid about something in the first place.

This manipulation is sort of like Gina's way of saying "I really love you and seeing you become someone amazing makes me afraid that you will leave me behind"

Its Gina's way of saying "I feel so small around you and I'm afraid you won't like me anymore if you keep getting bigger"

It's Gina's way of saying "If you really leave im gonna be lost without you, Im going to miss you so much, so you better call me, and make plans with me when you're in town"

It's Gina's way of saying "I just need you to tell me that no matter how successful you become, you won't leave me behind"

Its almost impossible for someone with mental illness to not spill a bit of toxicity out no matter what we do, and sometimes we just never got to learn how to develop interpersonal relationships because most people give up on us.

I won't say cut her from your life, but I will that you need to trade sentiments.

She needs to know you won't abandon her

You need her to stop treating you like you're less than you are.

And you don't need to be her best friend---

Forgiveness first, compromise together, and read between the lines of what she says if it seems like she's saying something to hurt you.

Lastly, and most importantly, you need to ask your heart whats best for your heart. If you're not enjoying the time you spend with her, even from the best perspective, then I have to imagine she is just here now to teach you a lesson. A lesson that seems directly related to your aspirations.

Remember;

"you're not gonna make it, stay here" means "I'll miss you"

Hope this helps.

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Here is a peice written in response to my own experience with a severly manipulative friend. NSFW

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i say lets hang out again next week - you show up the next day.

i say lets split the bill - you insist on paying every-time

i say im not comfortable with you always buying me things - you say 'you can get it next time' but next time never comes.

i say life is actually pretty great right now - you keep saying your worried about me

i say i think i'd like to be alone for the day - you come over anyway and say its for my mental health.

i say i don't want to drink any alcohol - you bring it over anyway

i say fine, ill have one beer - you pour liquor into it

i feel like shit the next day and need rest - you show up with more alcohol

i pace back and forth wonder how to interact with you anymore - you sit on my couch and stare at your phone for 10 minutes

i become enraged and start yelling at you - you're dumbfounded

i'm hating life right now - you say 'it gets better'

i tell you to shut your fucking mouth, and some other incoherent rage vomit comes from my mouth - you say 'we all have our demons to battle'

i tell you to get the fuck out - you leave

hour goes by, I realize you left a bunch of shit here, food in my fridge, clothes, other personal possessions, empty bottles. how did this stuff even end up here?

I wonder about how you dont ask anymore if i want to hang out. and if you can tell I want to be alone, then you keep repeating stuff like 'i'm bored, what are you doing tonight?'

I spend most of my time at home and you knows it - that means when you are free, I am free. That means my time is your time. That means as soon as you're off work, I'm available, no matter what.

I wonder why you don't listen to the things I say, about my real needs, if you are so concerned with my mental health.

I wonder all this time you've had an agenda. i'm an escape for you, a project to fix, and i'll owe a better life to you. i might be desperate enough to be fooled into needing you and that seems to be just the path you want me on.

i text you to come get your shit - you say you'll get it later

i say ok...

i realize I've just relinquished control again within an hour - text you again

i say go fuck yourself, your shit's on the curb - you finally show your true colors.