I am who I am

If I’ve learned one thing through these ups and downs, 

Its that I’ve let myself begin to breathe you

Live off of your emotions and decisions

I Let your thoughts be mine

Let your evaluations to be mine

Let your definition of my worth dictate my own

I stood in front of a mirror and a scale because I thought it was what you wanted

I threw myself into your game headfirst because I thought it was what you wanted

I tore down my self-worth to meet yours because I thought it was what you wanted

I’ve put on a mask because I didn’t want anybody to see me like this

I didn’t want them to see the raging wildfire that consumed my every thought

I didn’t want them to see your expectations tearing me apart from the inside

If I’ve learned anything from any of this,

It's that pride hurts

And maybe I never meant to let the pride cloud my sight

Maybe it did

And maybe it wasn’t me

Maybe my pride never stacked higher than a few feet

Maybe you beat it through the floor

And now you hold words like knives at my throat

Tie my hands behind me to prevent me from wiping my tears

The blood of my worth drips down and splatters on the floor 

If I’ve learned anything from any of this,

I’ve learned that worth is not just from what you say it is

Because if I let the mirror and the game determine me

I will be nothing at all

If I let what you define me as be the air that I breathe

It will poison me from the inside out

And after all this it’s not your fault

This is what you were meant to do

You get to play the good and the bad in my life

You get to hold my happiness and my grief in the palm of your hand

I am working on taking it back for myself

But until then you hold my heart

I know you don’t mean to pull and squeeze it without cease

I know you don’t mean to be such a big part of my life

That I lay awake at night with tears that drip down my cheeks

I know you don’t mean to play the bad guy

If I’ve learned anything from any of this,

It’s that I can’t control what you think

I can’t leap to the top of Mount Everest when I still haven’t climbed the hill yet

I can only control how much of myself I pour into becoming better

I can only control me

So you sent me on a journey to climb a mountain

I might not make it

But God has showed me the path up

He showed me the path with the guide to help me along the way

If I've learned anything from any of this,

It’s that I am who I am

And you don’t get to tell me otherwise

Self worth is a hard thing to wrap your head around. I know I've struggled for a long time with this, and through those trials I wrote this poem. I didn't nesesarily focus on the structure or flow, I just wrote. I realized how much expressing my feelings helped to diminish the tears that had run down my face. I stood up and walked away from my computer feeling a sense of empowerment. God gave me writing, and God gave it to you too. I'm telling you now, you are enough. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise ;)