swallow the change

I put my change in a jar that I keep above the bookcase

I put it on display in the menagerie that is my room,

The disarray is comforting in a way

The change is the words I swallow to keep everything the same

Pennies and dimes and feelings after midnight

Things I'm too afraid to even whisper to my pillows

Things I'll vehemently deny to myself

So I just collect the rusty nickels

Pick up the quarters in parking lots

And put them in the jar that is my messy mind

Push out even the fleeting idea of saying what's inside

I keep the change where I can feel it moving in the back of my head

Even though I'm too scared to thrust my hands inside and pull out the words that are burning holes in my skull because

Nothing can change

Not yet

Don't touch that jar up there.