desire
I close my eyes and bite my tongue as I drop to my knees in the middle of the street
Over the roar of traffic I lay face down and imagine the sensation of your fingers lazily grazing my skin one more time
My heart pounds as I remind myself that all I ever wanted was to prove that I'd lay down my life for you
Let me out
hot tears of self hatred
they recoil in the presence of compliments,
but manifest when there's no one here to remind me that I am a human being with a life worth living
they laugh as they stream down my face
and hiss as they stain the pillowcase black and red
I can't do anything but let them wreak their havoc because I'm tired of holding them back
'let me die here
melt into nothing
not like anyone will even notice if I disappear one day and never come back'
so one day, I think
I let myself out
Lump in my throat
They're just words,
I tell myself as I write furiously in the black book
They're just words,
I tell myself as I run from the boys who call me ugly and the girls who call me a prude
They're just words,
I tell myself when I hear my parents scream at each other in the night
They're just words,
I tell myself as I try to tell you how I feel about you and fail
They're just words,
I say as I lay down and asphyxiate myself with this enormous lump I kept in my throat
being fallen
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
having to look into the eyes of the one person
whose smile shines so bright that your knees quake
whose presence alone leaves you in awe
when you know they don't even see you
standing right in front of them
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
running around your mess of a room
books papers pens clothes posters
all you're looking for is the journal
you have to find it
otherwise this feeling you're holding onto
this one that you need to write down
this one that you need to remember
will be lost forever
and you can't find the journal in the mess
so you just cry
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
when you can't say how you feel
you cannot dictate those words and speak them
because the second you do everything will fall apart
every word you spoke yes
the words you hand picked so meticulously
thrown away
the conversations the laughter the joy
cast into the arms of violence
just like that stupid feather in Forrest Gump
you'll remember all of it but now it's nothing but a
constant reminder
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
being left behind
your hood is up and you're shielding yourself from the
icy ignorance of the person you love being
happy
without you
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
when you're young and innocent and eager to give yourself away and you
give yourself away
but you haven't yet learned that the most beautiful things in life tend to be
very fragile
so in your blind effort to be happy
and feel worthy
you crush the thing you wanted most
why didn't anyone warn you
that life is so fragile
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
choking down tears with a forced smile
you're digging a hole
so deep that the things you fear will fall so far
and they'll never escape
but you forgot that in this life
losing your balance is so easy
and by the time you realize that you've slipped
it's too late
it's the lowest feeling in the world;
you're lower now than you ever imagined was possible and you're the idiot who dug the hole
M U A
I will outline my eyes with black for the nights I didn't sleep because I kept thinking about how you don't miss me
I will hide the blemishes with a concealer and blend them against the things I'm too ashamed to tell you I've done
I will contour and shape my face and my body to fit next to yours even though we are destined to never touch
I will paint my lips red with the blood that lives forever under my nails from scratching myself because no matter what I do I can't feel anything
I will never stop trying to be close to you even though I will never be good enough because you are naturally immaculate and
I will never have the natural beauty that you deserve inside or out
swallow the change
I put my change in a jar that I keep above the bookcase
I put it on display in the menagerie that is my room,
The disarray is comforting in a way
The change is the words I swallow to keep everything the same
Pennies and dimes and feelings after midnight
Things I'm too afraid to even whisper to my pillows
Things I'll vehemently deny to myself
So I just collect the rusty nickels
Pick up the quarters in parking lots
And put them in the jar that is my messy mind
Push out even the fleeting idea of saying what's inside
I keep the change where I can feel it moving in the back of my head
Even though I'm too scared to thrust my hands inside and pull out the words that are burning holes in my skull because
Nothing can change
Not yet
Don't touch that jar up there.
Ultra Bloody Violence
One, two, three
Counting the seconds until my consciousness leaves me
Four
My body shakes with every blow
Five, six
Why do you enjoy this
What did I do to deserve you
Why do I let you
Seven, eight, nine
My vision blurs and reality bends and I see bright lights and then
Ten
You hunger for my bloody demise and I hunger for your bloody satisfaction
Gold Digger
When I was a child I used to pick flowers from the creek behind the house and press them between pages of books I loved because my mother told me to immortalize the beautiful things in life because they never last
She was right, too
Robert Frost said it first of course, and Johnny echoed it as well when he breathed his last words to Ponyboy
Nothing gold can stay
You are gold to me.
You are a golden-maned stallion in a field of dreams where the sun is always setting and it reflects beams of purple and pinkish light off of your coated silhouette in the distance
You speak words of far more value than gold when you reassure me that I am human again because sometimes I forget that my life is worth living too
You will probably never realize how golden you are and that is why I'm scared
Nothing gold can stay
I'm begging you to let me take you and press you into the pages of my mind because I want to immortalize you in your golden perfection
Please let me put you into the book that I keep under my pillow every night so that I can rest easy knowing that you are there and you're still golden
Just stay this one time Mr. Frost please be wrong just this one time let me keep my gold so that I can keep going
When I was a child I used to pick flowers from the creek behind the house and press them between pages of books I loved because my mother told me to immortalize the beautiful things in life because they never last
I'm not a child anymore but I still feel the urge to defy the Frost and keep my gold
no edit no regret just Write
When God said
"Let there be light"
He began to twist his fingers and created what became
You
There you are
Standing in the hallway
I can see your shadow under the door
You're not moving
Making sure I'm not moving
But Teacher,
Where would I go?
You have sayings of truth
And outside my door my hallway is only
Whispers
Eyes gleaming with unsaid gossip
People waiting for the right moment to
SCREAM
I saw you
I saw you in the backseat
Sweaty slimy slut
I dare you to deny it
Pics or it didn't happen
When God said
"Let there be light"
The switch in my room was flipped
My stomach soon followed
I swallowed the blood and bile
He hits harder when he's
Drunk,
Of course
Your room's not clean?
50
Your hair is frizzy after a sleepless night?
50
You left the light in the garage on?
50
Oh would you
Stop crying. I didn't raise you like that
I beg your pardon,
Dearest father
Behind the confession curtain
Please let me explain
I screwed up but if I do one more push up
I think my arms will collapse
And I'll fall and fall so far down into a great big
Nothing
I can't be nothing
Nothing isn't good enough
Where will I be if I am not
When God said
"Let there be light"
You better believe
I punched that fat thot in her big ugly face.
Don't you EVER
TOUCH
MY LITTLE SISTER
AGAIN
OR I SWEAR TO YOU
I'LL MESS YOUR FACE UP SO BAD
YOUR MOTHER WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU
She cried
I hit
I bit her arms
I pulled her hair
I clawed at her eyes
I called her ugly
I called her stupid
Being the bully
Felt amazing
Even in the principal's office
On the phone with mother dearest
Unapologetic Unapologetic
Are you kidding me? I'd love to do it all over again.
Let me hit her again.
Please.
I want to do it again
I said
Let there be violence
When God said
"Let there be light"
He pushed me up against the car door
I let him put his tongue in my mouth
I let him touch me
I let him think I loved him
I led him on
And when they found him in his bathroom
Crimson water running in the tub
Open wrists
I knew it was my fault
Because I finally told him I lied
I lied
Every time
I lied
And I lied because I knew
He wasn't ready for the truth
It did not set him free
Oh no
It set him off
When God said
"Let there be light"
I cried for hours
Wrote you letters
(I burned them all)
Pretended to not care
(Of course I did)
Let myself go
(I pined for you)
Ignored you in public
(I wanted nothing more than to be next to you)
Ignored your phone calls
(I listened to every voicemail)
Because I knew
(Of course I knew)
You weren't real
(That person was never you)
Here I am
(Alone)
Where are you?
(Are you awake too?)
Not real.
(I should just forget it)
Nothing we never had was real
(Because we had a lot of nothing)
What a comfort to me that is
(You never broke my heart)
Because you weren't real at all
(What a comfort to me that is)
When God said
"Let there be light"
You're still standing in the hallway
You're still drunk
I'm still enjoying breaking your face
Your tongue is still in my throat
And you still don't exist
Oh God
Teacher,
Where can I go?
You have sayings of truth
And I am not worthy
I can't handle the truth
No
The light is coming but God
I can't
I won't make it
I just need more time
I'm filthy I'm violent I'm a killer I'm exhausted I'm a whore
But I can change
Please dear God.
Just hold back the light.
For just a moment.