fangbian mian

San Francisco, Chinatown. 11:14pm

I eat instant noodles in the dark, not because the electricity has gone out but because my love has just hung up. I can feel the edge of evening creeping into night, and still I sit, in front of my tired, worn out computer, and imagine she is on the other side.

My girlfriend works in the instant noodle industry. She knows more about prawn flavouring, dehydrated mushrooms and chicken powders than anyone you’ll ever meet. She also knows which flavours to go for, which ones to avoid. Instant noodles is a steady industry, it’s had a boom throughout the pandemic. Her job offers steady wages, which in turn gave her security she never felt as a kid. Then there was buzz around her office about a promotion, but the company was Chinese and they weren’t interested in American chiefs.

When she first talked about a job in Shanghai, I rolled my eyes and told her not to take it. Both our parents are first-generation, and they say they’re never going back. But I knew her superiors liked her, that they’d push her to take the exam which would give her position. She studied so hard I told my parents if she left San Francisco, I’d leave with her.

I looked into architectural mentorships, and had my emails checked by my dad. When I got the email from X–– [I cannot mention this name for legal reasons] I was over the moon, and I ran, literally man, from my parents’ house to my girlfriend’s apartment. She opened the door and I picked up, asked her to guess when I saw she looked sad.

“I failed the test, I didn’t make it. They took somebody else,” she muttered.

So I told her it didn’t matter, we didn’t need Shanghai. We were going to make it in San Francisco. I would build her a house, I said.

All this turned out to be for nothing, because the next day, her boss called her in and told her that the person chosen had had a family emergency and refused the job in Shanghai. The boss winked at her on her way out. My girlfriend called me, ecstatic, and we began to make plans. We’d share a small flat, buy whatever was necessary for decent coffee, we’d eat dumplings every day, noodles every other day.

The next week, my dad fell down the stairs. He was lying all twisted, and when we called the ambulance he was knocked out cold. The doctor said there was a risk of paralysis, because he’d fallen and broken parts of his collarbone and hip.

My girlfriend rushed to the hospital and held my mother while she wept. Everything had been so perfect. I left, confused. Furious. When she came to find me, she started saying she would go to Shanghai first, and I could join her once I had settled my father in a little. She’d gone so crazy it made me feel nauseous. I shook my head.

“I can’t leave my mother all alone, to look after my comatose father,” I said.

Her chocolate eyes sought mine, like she couldn’t understand.

“What are you saying?” she asked.

“I’m saying I’m not going,” I said, and the choice before her dawned on her.

“What do you want me to do?” she whispered.

Her question made me so angry. Because she had confirmed everything.

“Whatever,” I said.

So she left. The calls have died out. She’s convinced I’ve found someone else, that I’m cheating on her with every Suki, Lizzie and Rebecca Chan around town.

My dad’s in recovery. My mother has started trying to set me up, but I’m working three jobs to pay off the hospital debt.

So. that’s why, sometimes, nearing midnight, I sit in front of a computer screen in a blacked-out room and eat instant noodles. It’s just enough to convince myself things will all turn out okay.