night is the hungry time

when disappointments of

hours and years and days

gather to gnaw when

day’s small steadiness

dissipates and

moonshadow nothings mock

efforts elapsed when

dreams are gaps

in life we try to

fill with empty bread

until new light

i’m not hungry

it’s too early to eat

the w o r l d s p i n s s l o w e r

at 1 a.m.

i don’t care how long

it takes you

i can wait

》f o r e v e r《

if i need to

...so...

i do

you will join me

a n y m o m e n t n o w

||i think i’m going too fast||

...so...

i slow down

// one bite

becomes two \\

: each : beat : of : my : heart :

bleedsintothenext

tick

tick

tick

where are you?

why aren't you back?

you are not bad enough

{{for hell}}

and heaven

does not deserve you

drip

drip

drip

the emptiness

((in my chest))

> leaks from my eyes <

and now there's water

_ in my cereal _

i'm not hungry

it's too early to eat

i leave my post

{ten steps to the sink}

tip the bowl

and watch it

s

w

i

r

l

down the drain

i cannot look

- at the stars -

it is not

》t h e s a m e《

when you are

among them

and not

with me

Last summer I ate in front of the mirror,

playing the numbers game with my carrot sticks.

(They still had too many calories, even with the ends cut off.)

it was the year of 2am emergency room visits

and wanting to give up.

(But knowing I couldn't.)

This summer I laid in the bed of your daddy's pickup truck

and you taught me the names of the constellations.

We sucked on cherry pits

and I showed you how to tie the stems in a knot with your tounge,

red juice dribbling down my grinning lips.

and the numbers in my head

almost (almost) didn't click-click-click upwards.

They are quieter now, you know.

I think I'm getting better.

San Francisco, Chinatown. 11:14pm

I eat instant noodles in the dark, not because the electricity has gone out but because my love has just hung up. I can feel the edge of evening creeping into night, and still I sit, in front of my tired, worn out computer, and imagine she is on the other side.

My girlfriend works in the instant noodle industry. She knows more about prawn flavouring, dehydrated mushrooms and chicken powders than anyone you’ll ever meet. She also knows which flavours to go for, which ones to avoid. Instant noodles is a steady industry, it’s had a boom throughout the pandemic. Her job offers steady wages, which in turn gave her security she never felt as a kid. Then there was buzz around her office about a promotion, but the company was Chinese and they weren’t interested in American chiefs.

When she first talked about a job in Shanghai, I rolled my eyes and told her not to take it. Both our parents are first-generation, and they say they’re never going back. But I knew her superiors liked her, that they’d push her to take the exam which would give her position. She studied so hard I told my parents if she left San Francisco, I’d leave with her.

I looked into architectural mentorships, and had my emails checked by my dad. When I got the email from X–– [I cannot mention this name for legal reasons] I was over the moon, and I ran, literally man, from my parents’ house to my girlfriend’s apartment. She opened the door and I picked up, asked her to guess when I saw she looked sad.

“I failed the test, I didn’t make it. They took somebody else,” she muttered.

So I told her it didn’t matter, we didn’t need Shanghai. We were going to make it in San Francisco. I would build her a house, I said.

All this turned out to be for nothing, because the next day, her boss called her in and told her that the person chosen had had a family emergency and refused the job in Shanghai. The boss winked at her on her way out. My girlfriend called me, ecstatic, and we began to make plans. We’d share a small flat, buy whatever was necessary for decent coffee, we’d eat dumplings every day, noodles every other day.

The next week, my dad fell down the stairs. He was lying all twisted, and when we called the ambulance he was knocked out cold. The doctor said there was a risk of paralysis, because he’d fallen and broken parts of his collarbone and hip.

My girlfriend rushed to the hospital and held my mother while she wept. Everything had been so perfect. I left, confused. Furious. When she came to find me, she started saying she would go to Shanghai first, and I could join her once I had settled my father in a little. She’d gone so crazy it made me feel nauseous. I shook my head.

“I can’t leave my mother all alone, to look after my comatose father,” I said.

Her chocolate eyes sought mine, like she couldn’t understand.

“What are you saying?” she asked.

“I’m saying I’m not going,” I said, and the choice before her dawned on her.

“What do you want me to do?” she whispered.

Her question made me so angry. Because she had confirmed everything.

“Whatever,” I said.

So she left. The calls have died out. She’s convinced I’ve found someone else, that I’m cheating on her with every Suki, Lizzie and Rebecca Chan around town.

My dad’s in recovery. My mother has started trying to set me up, but I’m working three jobs to pay off the hospital debt.

So. that’s why, sometimes, nearing midnight, I sit in front of a computer screen in a blacked-out room and eat instant noodles. It’s just enough to convince myself things will all turn out okay.

They wandered deeper & deeper into the mouth of the cave. Steve waved his torch back and forth to see everything to the front and his sides. Kate shook her head.

Steve stopped in his tracks. ‘Did you hear that?’ Kate slapped Steve on his back. He screamed and jumped.

Kate laughed and said, ‘Lead the way to the tomb, O mighty Steve.’

‘Very funny, Kate. But I’m telling you I heard something strange.’

‘We are surrounded by bodies that have been lying in here for thousand of years.’

Steve sighed, ‘Well— if they come after you I’m not going to chase them away. I’ll run as fast as I can and get out of here.’

Kate looked at Steve, ‘Really? I always beat you in our running races. If there are going to catch anyone- it’s going to be you.’

Steve tapped Kate on her shoulder and whispered, ‘What is that thing?’

Kate gasped and stared at the skeleton that had its head lowered. It stretched and turned around facing them.

Steve almost lost his grip on the torch. The creature snarled. Then stuck out it’s tongue and hissed.

It had been busy enjoying what looked like one of the local guides. Some of the blood from the body was smeared around its jaws.

Steve pulled Kate by her arm & shouted, ‘Run!’

Kate stumbled over one of the stones and fell down. Steve stopped and said, ‘Come on Kate. Now is not the time to look at and study the rocks.’

As soon as Steve reached for Kate’s hand to pull her up, she was pulled by the skeleton creature further away from Steve’s reach.

Kate screamed and told Steve to keep going without her. Steve shook his head. The moment he heard the thing snarl again~ he bolted for the cave’s opening.

Steve almost cried when he saw the light coming from the cave’s entrance. But just as he was close to the exit, something pushed him down.

He tried to get up. There it was right in front of him. It took a deep breath, and sniffed him. Steve started shaking.

It hissed and spat at his face. Steve screamed. Whatever that was it burned his face. He heard the thing clicking now. It dragged Steve’s body away from the light and into the darkness.

#Anotheronebitesthedust (c)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE

09.13.2020 sundae

• This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and/or incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

You know that feeling

When you wake up

And realize that you are hungry

And you realize that you have ice cream

But its way

Over

There

So after a while

Usually a very long while

You get up

Kinda grumbling

Kinda anticipatory

And walk to the freezer

Pulling out the ice cream

You feel guilty

But oh so happy

Not turning on the kitchen light is key

Otherwise

You'll get caught

Carefully you lift off the lid

The fridge casting weird shadows around the room

The cold making you shiver

The first spoonful is out

You taste it

Savor it

Then go back for more

No bowl is required

After a while

Usually a very long while

You realize that you have eaten a bit

Quite a bit

And need to stop

So you take another bite

Then put the lid back on

Easing back across the floor

You shiver

Thinking about creepy things

And even more scary

What if you get caught?

So you run!

Then jump in bed

Your hunger satisfied

Your shivering calmed

You drift off to sleep

leftover pasta, i eat,

the only light of the fridge blinds me.

i had so little time,

and so before throwing ,

my baby’s food,

all the leftovers,

that she didn’t take ,

and there is too much of that,

I take out, and eat.

my baby refused banana pancakes,

pasta with tomato sauce,

sweet potato, pumpkin,

french toast, greens, yogurt,

mutton and onion mash,

rice, noodles, bread, potatos.

all these in small portions,

which i hoped she’ll take later.

and she wouldn't.

all these morsals,

make up my late night meal,

before i start doing the dishes.

standing over the spread in darkness...

I cannot eat in front of my roommate.

There’s too much noise to be made,

Too much sound.

I’m too big for this skin and all a part of me wants to do is

Shr

I

N

K.

So I sneak,

Like a thief

In the night.

My sisters visited,

Tank tops,

Mid drifts,

Tight jeans.

I swallowed every painful thing,

The food looked delicious,

It tasted like ash.

I thought I was getting better,

But a part of me will

Never

Stop

Wanting

To

Be

smaller.

This is not how I imagined spending my day. Don't kidnappers ever have snacks to offer? I came to the white van because they said they had chocolate chip cookies. And guess what, they lied. I'm a little angry because I had big plans for today. I was going to play Minecraft for a bit, eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and play tag with Evelyn, Lucas, and Tommy. And for giving up my fun day, they aren't even going to give me a snack! Even school gives me snacks, so I would think kidnappers should. I guess I'll have to be content eating some old skittles I found in my hoodie pocket while I sit in the dark with this brown bag over my head.