Casual Deep Thinking

Do you ever think something like why did I wake up today or why am I still alive. I have an answer for you, you wake up because there is going to be one person that loves you and wants to be with you and enjoys your existence and they want to make you feel loved and appreciated and when they see or in my case hear you even a little bit upset they start to get upset. I've been talking to this guy for a couple weeks now and he makes me feel happy and honestly because I know that he's probably not going to see this but no matter how many times he says it every time he says it I start to get closer and quite frankly im terrified. I act like everything is fine and he told me that he loved me and honestly I'm almost positive that I love him too but he doesn't want to start dating until we can hangout more and I get where he is coming from but he doesn't exactly know what he's getting himself into and im scared because I feel like once he sees the real me for me he's not going to like it and just leave me for someone better. I tell him everyday and every time we talk and I feel like he blames himself for how much I hate myself and please don't tell me that i shouldn't hate myself but it's not about that and it's not about my mental health and he tries to convince me every time we talk that he´s ugly and every time I start flipping out on him and if he somehow sees this I just want him and everyone else to know that the reason I feel this way about myself it has nothing to do with you and more importantly I want to say that you have a purpose I don't care how old or young you are if you are thinking about ending everything please call the hotline and talk to someone about it because if you don't talk to someone about it then shit can get so much worse and you might even end up taking your own life and there are people whether you realize it or not there are people who get excited to see you and I know this isn't usually what I write about but sometimes you just need someone to talk to about and I know damn well that everyone on this site can one keep a secret and two I can trust you not to go off and report me and I will be flat out with this I am seeing a therapist and I am getting an out-patient rehab services so I can limit my drug use some more even though I am only 15 I don't really care because it is my life and no one else's and I can do what I want to it when I want to as I've told my mom and other people. I guess I will close this off with don't try to be someone that your not because eventually when they find out who you really are they will find out and they will leave you for being fake and for trying to be someone else but that's it for right now i'm starting to get emotional in school.