Who am I?

Hi, Riley_45. I hope you’re well. It’s nice to meet you. My name is enter suitable pseudonym here and I...

1) ...was born in 274. At the age of 17, a freak lightning strike threw me 68 years into the future. Now, every time it rains I jump forward in time again.

2) ...once saw a polar bear swim up to a Bridlington beach, rifle through a holidayer’s picnic basket then gallop away with the paper plates. To this day, I still don’t know why it left the smoked salmon and wedge of Swiss cheese.

3) ...was the inspiration for Batman. No, I don’t fight crime with a dubiously young male sidekick, nor do I speak in a gravelly voice. But I do have an extensive cavern system cut into the bedrock beneath my family mansion. (I tried to extend it to make room for a Batcopter, and the entire east wing collapsed into the space. Mamma was not pleased.)

4) ...will inevitably use the prompts around me to display my plethora of talents, none of which are sweet.

5) ...have been known to make things up to sound more interesting. After all, what’s so special about an overweight, forty-something man working - but enjoying - a thankless, clerical job with a fondness for dragons and cats and Pratchett? Who wants to know about the guy who’s excited by the supernatural but is too insensitive to have experienced a ghost?

6) ...am not good at maths.