Swallow

Deathly weary, will is weak

Dreamland fades, I want sleep

Not the kind I find at night

Even there, at least its bright

Hello sunrise, yet so bleak

Blinding ray of gray-black streaks

Greet me cold, backhanded blow

Limbs of ice, mind asnow

Sheets of lead, strangle me

Sing to me, "A pain to be!"

Sing of heights my soul could see,

All the peaks of tragedy.

Yet I rise, and fall again

Over, over, out and in

Up above, down below

Must escape the wake-sorrow

"Set me free, leave me be!"

I fight myself, my memory

my mind, my thoughts, insanity

For the chance of family

Something that means more than this

Daily deathwish, sleep's sweet kiss

Now the bottle, now the pills

1, 2, swallow, bottled thrills

What a joke, I need a crutch

Just to feel my mother's love

I know that she understands

Not the cause of my own hands

Just the twisted hand of fate

Reaching for a man to break

Shame, to know I needed this

But better meds than dark, deep bliss

Wait an hour, maybe two

And everything will feel like new

Now I'm up, now I'm out

Free as a bird, flailing about

Eating, work, writing, pray

Those, my joys of everyday

Hope someday I won't require

Pills to feel those joys transpire

And it will all be for the best

Some dark God-given test

Before the morning victory

Not just half, but all of me

I hope to wake, gratefully

Into life's duality