Fear

2020 was a nightmare, and there is no denying that.

At least in 2020, however, there was some brightness within the darkness that the year brought. I graduated college amidst a pandemic, I got to go on a vacation to a city in a nearby state that I used to visit all the time as a child, and I got close with many friends that proved to be more genuine than anyone in my life prior to the pandemic. I complained a lot about 2020, but at least there were some positive outcomes from the year that I can look back at fondly. 2021, however, has been much more of a nightmare that I cannot seem to wake up from.

My year started with a cough. I developed a dry cough just three days into the year, and I developed an unquenchable thirst in my throat. Days passed, and the cough worsened while my throat was burning no matter how much water I consumed. I also was spending more time sleeping than awake, there were chills in my body, and for two days I felt too weak to lift myself up. I got myself tested for peace of mind, but I was convinced that it was just a bad cold. I had to wait three days to get my results, and during those three days the chills and fatigue began to subside, and my cough went away overnight. However, I began to develop a stuffy nose, sinus pains, and experienced nosebleeds. Of all these parts of my sickness, the nosebleeds were the only part that was abnormal to the usual colds I get during this time of year. I was still convinced that I was just experiencing a cold, especially since I always get these bad colds in the wintertime.

Aside from getting tested, I still decided to stay home during the days I was sick. The only day I left my house was the day I got the dreaded phone call. I was starting to feel better, so I went to drop off my Nintendo Switch to get repaired since it would not turn on. When I got home, the pharmacy I recieved the test from called me. This was two months ago, but I still remember the sound of the woman’s voice as she broke the news to me.

“Hello, this is Evelyn from the pharmacy, I am calling to let you know that you tested positive.”

Instantly, my body shot up. “I tested positive?” I shouted, prompting alarmed looks from my mother and sister, who were nearby. Evelyn calmly explained to me the protocols I needed to take, and assured me that if I was starting to feel better, then I likely had a mild case. The conversation I had with her is mostly a blur to me, since my mind could only focus on one thing. This horrendous virus that has been spreading for nearly a year, caused shutdowns, and took so many lives was in my body. It had been in my body for nearly a week at that point, and I had no idea. Though Evelyn assured me I would be okay if I was feeling better than I had the week before, I felt my body trembling at the reminder that I had the virus in my body and that I had no idea what it was capable of.

Since my family had to quarantine with me, my mom needed proof for her job that I tested positive and so they would not require her to come in. The pharmacy sent me a copy of my results, and looking at that made it feel even more real. I stared at the results, and underneath my name it said, “COVID-19/SARS-DETECTED”.

After informing my family and friends about my results, I laid on my bed and was overwhelmed with an ongoing thought train that was moving full speed. What if it gets worse again? What if I need to go to the hospital? What if I recover but it comes back ten times stronger? What if it never goes away? What if...what if I don’t survive?

Since I had COVID for a week already by the time I found out, I was informed that I only needed to qurantine for three more days since the standard requirement for quarantine when you test positive is ten days. Still, I chose to quarantine for another week because I did not want to risk spreading it to anyone else. I also was terrified of going out in public while having the virus. I spent the entire week isolated in my room, chugging down water and orange juice, and trying desperately to distract myself with Animal Crossing and Youtube videos from the horrifying thoughts I had in my mind. Though the only symptoms left were subsiding, but the anxiety of having the virus remained as the strongest symptom of them all.

It didn’t help that I was being reminded of COVID at every turn, especially with the reminders of people who had more severe cases than mine. I had experienced most of the milder symptoms, minus the loss of taste or smell. However, I was reminded of the people who were dying from COVID, or being rushed to the hospital because they could not breathe on their own. I could not watch television or go online without some sort of reminder of COVID’s existence. I knew that it still needed to be discussed, but I wanted to avoid thinking about it since the mere thought of it was enough to trigger my anxiety all over again.

After a week passed, I finally left my house to get tested. By then, the symptoms were already gone, and all that was left was the anticipation to figure out whether or not the virus had exited my body. It took a week and a half to get results, but I finally tested negative for COVID. After the intial relief and excitement had passed, I was immediately weighed down by fear. Fear that I would get the virus again, and this time it would come back with so much strength that I would not be able to overcome it this time. Everywhere I turned, I imagined that COVID was waiting for me, ready to take over my body again.

I have been COVID-free for over a month. I have left the house, went to any necessary public places, and met up with friends at least once. I already took necessary precautions to avoid getting the virus before, but now I make sure to wash up and disinfect everything I touched while outside, including my phone, everytime I come home, even if I only made a quick run to get some groceries at a store near my house. One of the scary parts of the fact that I obtained the virus is that I still do not know where I got it from. I was doing school and have been working remotely, I only see friends once or twice a month, and I have not been taking public transportation that much. I still experience paranoia whenever I am outside, and whenever my allergies act up as they usually do at this time of year. I have also been experiencing the mental side affects that one does after they had COVID. I learned today that people who recovered from COVID often suffer mentally after, especially those with anxiety and depression, and I have discovered that that is the case for me. While there have certainly been other factors in my life that have contributed to the severity of my depression lately, I guess COVID has managed to play a big role in it.

So I guess even though I only had a mild case of COVID for just the first three weeks of 2021, it still has been dominating my year so far in the worst way possible.