2020 was a beautiful year of finding out how fucked we are.

And 2021 is that fuckery displayed in slow motion.

Case study of my lack of social life #1:

I have a lack of social life.

Now, this example may have been true prior to the apocalypse, but we (being me) completly ignored that fact until 2021 when I went, "Wow, I'm losing all of my friends to 6 feet! I am going to be so lonely." This year, has been pretending like we have friends, but realizing that we have always been alone, even before it was a crime to not be alone.

Case study of my lack of social life #2:

I have spent the majority of my time in the loo, shitting like crazy.

2020 was discovering that humanity has been consuming unhealthy products (I know it's a huge shocker considering the commercial countries we live in). Our genetics have been crisscrossed with poison as we lick cancer from the air and pour cream (or formula) into our coffee like we are children (although, it kinda feels like civilization has reformed into toddlers). 2021, is the revealing of why so many needed toilet paper. Feces reveal the murder we put our bodies through as we wonder why we feel so sick.

Case study of my lack of social life #3:

2020 caused us to panic into isolation. 2021 is depression arising as we all question whether or not we got sleep the night before, or how the FUCK is it already March? What has been 2021??! I feel like as soon as 2020 ended the matrix crashed and we are simply living out the afterimage of a failed project. (This is what our lives have become, nothing). Moving forward=glitch.

Case study of my lack of social life #20:

what was I doing again?

I have so many missing assignments in school. Mental breakdown ensues, but that’s ok because I have soup in the fridge. Mmmmm.

Next day, Band is awful, I screwed up my parts and ruined my music. It’s alright, I have some leftover soup waiting for me in the fridge once I get home. Mmmmmm, soup.

I wake up the next day, greeting my mother in the kitchen while I whip up some cereal - wait, could that be considered soup? Oh well. Mother smiles at me.

“I went shopping last night because we were out of milk and decided to get that soup you like.”

I am grateful. Soup is good. Especially with bread. Mmmmm, soup.

Later that same night, I throw some soup in the microwave and slice off a piece of bread to dip in the soup. I spread butter on it to make the flavour even smoother. Mmmmm, soup is good.

Everyday is soup. What is life? Soup? It’s a loop. Every day I look in the fridge to see more soup. I eat it, and there’s even more. I’m going insane, it’s a soup loop. The letters in soup are looking foreign to me. I eat this, every day, and I will continue to eat it for the rest of my miserable life. Soup is good. Soup is good. Soup, soup, soup. Soup. Broccoli cheese, french onion, it changes every day. Soup is versatile. Is cereal a soup? With a milk base and the main cereal accents, I think cereal is a soup. Another part of my miserable soup diet. I wake up and eat soup. I pull out a thermos at lunch and eat alphabet soup. I heat some soup up in the microwave for dinner. Soup. Life is soup, soup is all I need. Soup.

a last call with him.

he was once a big man,

his body filling up a room,

like his personality.

but here in this hospital bed,

he looks almost like a supermodel.

his speech is in mumbles and groans,

his eyes are always half lidded.

i can’t even go see him

because of this disease ravaging him.

so instead i watch him through

facetime, saying

words of false cheer.

i watch as my mother holds back tears.

i watch as my mother’s father wastes away.

i watch

but am unable to feel a thing.

i close my eyes

and i remember.

i remember him

rolling coins across the carpet

saying that he has

a hole in his pocket.

i remember him

singing my name into the phone

and even though that name

is no longer my own,

i don’t mind the sound of him using it.

i close my eyes so i

see him as he was

not as a ghost in a bed.

i remember finding lizards in his house

in florida.

i remember how i thought it was

so incredible that these creatures

wandered his house,

freeloaders hiding in

empty flower pots.

i don’t want to see his face

through facetime,

because time has not been kind

to my grandfather.

i watch as my mother ends the call

with a smile on her face,

waiting for the screen to go black

before she cries.

and still i do not feel a thing.

so now i’m just waiting

with bated breath

for my feelings to return,

and sort of hoping

that they never come back.

Days go by

I can’t accomplish anything

Start things

I cannot finish them

My head hurts

I’m Overwhelmed

There’s Hate forming In my Amnesiatic head

Days

Nights

It’s all the same

2020

2021

I don’t want to sleep

I can’t wake up

back to sleep

i fade away

This is dangerous

Sitting here

waiting to feel

The Something to do wants nothing from me

Stuck in my head

People resemble now my memories

Your face haunts me

Your voice is only in my mind

I think, I’m not sure

Try so hard not to tell you

You won’t see it the same way

You say I need to let go

but in info red

What’s my name again

I can’t remember yours

Suddenly You are my nemesis

I did this and

I did that

I always do

It’s all my fault,

I’m the rightfully blamed

I scream

I didn’t do anything

This isn’t my want

None of this is fair

I can’t remember any of these things you say

I don’t want to hear what is only true for you

Picture after picture

I’m so sorry

Shocking truth

Suddenly I’m a somebody I used to be

A sometimes even somewhat adored me

Only This time I’m right in front of you

I am still me

I am not the same me

You don’t see

You see another me

I’m confused

Your irritated

I panic

Your hurt

I’m not your okay

Your angry

I hurt

Your fine

you say I’m crazy

I manipulate You say

I say other things

In Another way

You were my okay

I beg but

I don’t remember now

I look to you

I don’t see you

what is it you wanted

Why is this so angry

I don’t know the me you say I am

You don’t see me

You see another me

I wouldn’t want you this way anyway

You scare me

I am scared

I need my daughter

She slams the door on me

Push it all away

I’m ok with my mother

She forgets I’m in pain

I’m sitting here alone

unstable

in my head, alone

you weren’t here

You aren’t here

There’s Too many fathers

time starts fading

Reality forgot me

fight my body

stuck in my mind

Yes, I mind

Everyone leaves

shhhh

they see you through

They are see through

I mind more than you...

They know something too

all alone

You still don’t care

There is no they. they dont answer

They aren’t they

I yell

You don’t exist to me anyway

Fight myself

I’m in my way

Still just alone I exist today

I Fall so deep inside of me

The other me

It’s too damn Crowded in my room...

Dissociated reality.

I cry I cry I cry I cry I nod

I’m crying I cry I nod

I want to stop my eyes from seeing

Pain inside

Go back to sleep

crying

wake up

New day

What is shame

Who cares

Drugs don’t work

today I don’t complain

Light eclipses off and on

Hurry moon

I panic

These words are not mine

This voice isn’t mine

Music isn’t heard

Someone sings

My head is so loud

Wait

Screaming pauses

Ringing pauses

Stop tugging on me

What are you

Panic

Wait....

Here I am at last

Yes, but

Nope ..?

Make it last

Have

Lose

Myself

Who’s left now?

Forgiven

Wait

Blink

Blink

Stretch

get up

Yawn

Pain

Stretch again

Forget everything...knowingly

it was all in my head again

I’m in my head again

I don’t want to shower today again.

I´m snowboarding. I mean, I don´t know how to, but I´m flying down the mountain all the same. The thrill of the movement, the exhilaration, it all excites me. Sometimes there are obstacles that I need to avoid. I don´t know how to snowboard though, so sometimes I hit them, but that´s alright. I can´t breathe. I couldn´t breathe at the top of the mountain, the air was too thin, but this time it´s different, it isn´t suffocating. This time it is the wind that takes my breath away as I snowboard down this mountain. Part of me never wants this ride to stop, but even more than that I wish to find what is at the bottom of this rock. I´ve been on this mountain for too long. I´m snowboarding, even though I don´t know how. I hit obstacles. That´s ok though, I´m still flying. When I reach the bottom I won´t be afraid of falling anymore. My soul sings. I can´t wait.

Even though much has been going on in the world, my 2021 has been fine. I’m still able to do a lot of stuff, like ride horses with my friends, and have friends over to my house.

Yes I have online school but it doesn’t bother me and it is almost easier then in-person school. In-person school, a term we thought we would never use.

I still get my work in on time, have good grades, and is able to use breaks for what they are meant to be used for, to do whatever

I still see my grandparents almost everyday and I have my family around me. I get to spend time at home with my puppy and family, books and writing. It is honestly not a bad life. But I’m a bit of a hermit anyways.

When going out in public, I don’t mind it too much. The masks can be a nuscieance but not impossible to use. I would much rather be able to converse with people from inside of six-feet apart but at least we can still converse over all.

I hear much about the world and what is going on all over from my dad, who is helping to find places for max vaccinations, the other day he called me from work and showed us an actual Hog, fighter plane.

So over all, I’m living my life pretty well. I haven’t been sick, no one in my family has and I get to still have fun with the people around me.

2020 was a nightmare, and there is no denying that.

At least in 2020, however, there was some brightness within the darkness that the year brought. I graduated college amidst a pandemic, I got to go on a vacation to a city in a nearby state that I used to visit all the time as a child, and I got close with many friends that proved to be more genuine than anyone in my life prior to the pandemic. I complained a lot about 2020, but at least there were some positive outcomes from the year that I can look back at fondly. 2021, however, has been much more of a nightmare that I cannot seem to wake up from.

My year started with a cough. I developed a dry cough just three days into the year, and I developed an unquenchable thirst in my throat. Days passed, and the cough worsened while my throat was burning no matter how much water I consumed. I also was spending more time sleeping than awake, there were chills in my body, and for two days I felt too weak to lift myself up. I got myself tested for peace of mind, but I was convinced that it was just a bad cold. I had to wait three days to get my results, and during those three days the chills and fatigue began to subside, and my cough went away overnight. However, I began to develop a stuffy nose, sinus pains, and experienced nosebleeds. Of all these parts of my sickness, the nosebleeds were the only part that was abnormal to the usual colds I get during this time of year. I was still convinced that I was just experiencing a cold, especially since I always get these bad colds in the wintertime.

Aside from getting tested, I still decided to stay home during the days I was sick. The only day I left my house was the day I got the dreaded phone call. I was starting to feel better, so I went to drop off my Nintendo Switch to get repaired since it would not turn on. When I got home, the pharmacy I recieved the test from called me. This was two months ago, but I still remember the sound of the woman’s voice as she broke the news to me.

“Hello, this is Evelyn from the pharmacy, I am calling to let you know that you tested positive.”

Instantly, my body shot up. “I tested positive?” I shouted, prompting alarmed looks from my mother and sister, who were nearby. Evelyn calmly explained to me the protocols I needed to take, and assured me that if I was starting to feel better, then I likely had a mild case. The conversation I had with her is mostly a blur to me, since my mind could only focus on one thing. This horrendous virus that has been spreading for nearly a year, caused shutdowns, and took so many lives was in my body. It had been in my body for nearly a week at that point, and I had no idea. Though Evelyn assured me I would be okay if I was feeling better than I had the week before, I felt my body trembling at the reminder that I had the virus in my body and that I had no idea what it was capable of.

Since my family had to quarantine with me, my mom needed proof for her job that I tested positive and so they would not require her to come in. The pharmacy sent me a copy of my results, and looking at that made it feel even more real. I stared at the results, and underneath my name it said, “COVID-19/SARS-DETECTED”.

After informing my family and friends about my results, I laid on my bed and was overwhelmed with an ongoing thought train that was moving full speed. What if it gets worse again? What if I need to go to the hospital? What if I recover but it comes back ten times stronger? What if it never goes away? What if...what if I don’t survive?

Since I had COVID for a week already by the time I found out, I was informed that I only needed to qurantine for three more days since the standard requirement for quarantine when you test positive is ten days. Still, I chose to quarantine for another week because I did not want to risk spreading it to anyone else. I also was terrified of going out in public while having the virus. I spent the entire week isolated in my room, chugging down water and orange juice, and trying desperately to distract myself with Animal Crossing and Youtube videos from the horrifying thoughts I had in my mind. Though the only symptoms left were subsiding, but the anxiety of having the virus remained as the strongest symptom of them all.

It didn’t help that I was being reminded of COVID at every turn, especially with the reminders of people who had more severe cases than mine. I had experienced most of the milder symptoms, minus the loss of taste or smell. However, I was reminded of the people who were dying from COVID, or being rushed to the hospital because they could not breathe on their own. I could not watch television or go online without some sort of reminder of COVID’s existence. I knew that it still needed to be discussed, but I wanted to avoid thinking about it since the mere thought of it was enough to trigger my anxiety all over again.

After a week passed, I finally left my house to get tested. By then, the symptoms were already gone, and all that was left was the anticipation to figure out whether or not the virus had exited my body. It took a week and a half to get results, but I finally tested negative for COVID. After the intial relief and excitement had passed, I was immediately weighed down by fear. Fear that I would get the virus again, and this time it would come back with so much strength that I would not be able to overcome it this time. Everywhere I turned, I imagined that COVID was waiting for me, ready to take over my body again.

I have been COVID-free for over a month. I have left the house, went to any necessary public places, and met up with friends at least once. I already took necessary precautions to avoid getting the virus before, but now I make sure to wash up and disinfect everything I touched while outside, including my phone, everytime I come home, even if I only made a quick run to get some groceries at a store near my house. One of the scary parts of the fact that I obtained the virus is that I still do not know where I got it from. I was doing school and have been working remotely, I only see friends once or twice a month, and I have not been taking public transportation that much. I still experience paranoia whenever I am outside, and whenever my allergies act up as they usually do at this time of year. I have also been experiencing the mental side affects that one does after they had COVID. I learned today that people who recovered from COVID often suffer mentally after, especially those with anxiety and depression, and I have discovered that that is the case for me. While there have certainly been other factors in my life that have contributed to the severity of my depression lately, I guess COVID has managed to play a big role in it.

So I guess even though I only had a mild case of COVID for just the first three weeks of 2021, it still has been dominating my year so far in the worst way possible.