My Wednesday.
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Wednesday morning, as 1st period was ending, I began to have issues with my Anxiety. 'Kay. Cool. I'll be fine.' As 2nd period goes on, the shaking gets worse, my anxiety still climbing. 'That's no good. You can still cope through this. Just breath, Anne.' By 3rd period, I'm uncontrollably shaking, unable to sit still, my brain is going a million miles an hour and, I'm having a panic attack. I've gone down to the office with my friend, and it takes them five freaking minutes to get me with someone because my usual counselor wasn't in the building. All the while, I'm raking my nail beds across eachother 3 times every breath. The inhale and exhale lasting about 5 seconds. It takes over an hour, 45 minutes sitting and talking with this counselor, to calm myself down. And when I do, my ADHD self sits still. For 2 whole minutes. (Which never happens) And my anxiety spikes again. Which it shouldn't have, but you know me. When I go back to class, I'm still shaky, but in a better mindset. Mind you, I've been taking a new medication for a few days.
The rest of the day, I remain shakey, and 4 times I found myself seriously contemplating suicide. Once out of the 10 times I went mentally searching for a coping method, I thought, 'Why not drugs? Try alcohol. Hell, go for nicotin.' And at a public school, I have access(which is super sad) to all of these. When that thought crossed my mind, not only did I push it down, but I prayed. Prayed that God would walk in step with me and that I'd be able to get through this.
I talked about it 5 times that day after school. Today, I'm doing okay. I'm sharing this for the point of pointing out that suicidal thoughts could kick in anytime, anywhere, no matter the situation. You could be having a great day and the next thing you know, you're thinking about how much it's actually worth it.
Please don't ever hesitate to call your local hotline. Don't ever hesitate to tell someone you trust what's going on. You are special and no one could ever change that.
This was my little bit for today. I love you. God loves you. Take care, my friends.