Where do I belong?

People always ask me questions.

Questions like,

Why do you feel lonely?

Why are you always upset?

Why can't you just be normal?

I don't understand why I'm the way I am.

Maybe it's the depression.

Maybe it's the severe anxiety.

Or maybe it's both,

Slowly killing me and I can't stop it.

Do they think I like it?

Saying sorry all the time?

Crying more than I should?

Wanting to be around someone who makes me happy?

Well that's bull.

Because I hate it.

I hate apologizing all the time.

But I do it because I always feel like I'm messing up.

Why do I always feel like I'm messing up?

Maybe it's because that's all I've ever known.

All I've ever been taught.

All I've ever tried not to do.

I hate not being where I feel at home.

I feel at home in Illinois.

I miss my family.

I miss my dad and God....

I miss my brother.

But home isn't any good for me either.

It's killing me too.

Just like being with my mom is.

And yet, people still judge.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

Not in my group of friends,

Who I've been with since the 5th&6th grade.

Not here.

Nor there.

But one place I do feel at home,

Is around him.

He's the only person who's ever understood.

He's special

He's amazing

He's wonderful.

I feel at home just hearing his laugh.

I feel at home in his arms.

It's so easy to be with him.

Yet it's also kind of hard.

He's the first guy to ever look at me,

And call me beautiful without hesitation.

He tells me not to let anyone tell me different.

He makes me feel like I'm not so...

Broken.

I want him to know how much he means to me.

I want him to see that he's more than he thinks he is.

I wanna make him happy,

But I'm never sure how.

I want to be okay.

I want to be happy.

And most of all,

I just wanna know where I belong...