She seems so strong,

But maybe she spent all night crying.

She acts like nothing's wrong,

But maybe she's good at lying.

She's always hiding what she feels,

But inside she is numb.

Everything seems too real,

And she tells herself she's dumb.

She feels like she's trapped,

A bird hitting walls of glass.

Feels the sting of an emotional slap,

Yet she still shows she got class.

Sometimes it's like she's drowning,

The darkness is closing in.

Inside her anger is howling,

And she knows that she can't win.

She writes and she sings,

As a way to forget.

So she won't think about the things,

That she's come to truly regret...

People tell me things,

Things I don't believe.

They're all about him.

All about what he's done.

He is..perfect.

He is sweet,

Funny,

Kind.

He is handsome,

And amazing.

Always trying to be positive,

He never gives up.

He tells me I'm beautiful,

Without any hesitation.

He's the first boy to ever do that,

And he's always there when I need him.

Is it selfish,

That I want him to notice me?

Like he notices other girls.

Does he not trust me?

Is there something wrong with me?

I want him to tell me things,

Just as I tell him.

How does he see me?

What am I to him?

Does he even like being around me?

So many thoughts swirl,

Whenever I think about him.

I get confused,

But yet everything is just so clear.

He is my best friend.

The things he says,

Help keep me strong

And I wanna stay by his side,

To help him be strong too.

I love him.

I don't want to lose him.

So I'll do anything I need to,

To keep him by my side, and keep him happy.

I just want to see him smile.

I want to hear him laugh.

And I want to look into his eyes,

Those beautiful, heart-melting blue eyes,

And I'll always know that it's him.

People always ask me questions.

Questions like,

Why do you feel lonely?

Why are you always upset?

Why can't you just be normal?

I don't understand why I'm the way I am.

Maybe it's the depression.

Maybe it's the severe anxiety.

Or maybe it's both,

Slowly killing me and I can't stop it.

Do they think I like it?

Saying sorry all the time?

Crying more than I should?

Wanting to be around someone who makes me happy?

Well that's bull.

Because I hate it.

I hate apologizing all the time.

But I do it because I always feel like I'm messing up.

Why do I always feel like I'm messing up?

Maybe it's because that's all I've ever known.

All I've ever been taught.

All I've ever tried not to do.

I hate not being where I feel at home.

I feel at home in Illinois.

I miss my family.

I miss my dad and God....

I miss my brother.

But home isn't any good for me either.

It's killing me too.

Just like being with my mom is.

And yet, people still judge.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

Not in my group of friends,

Who I've been with since the 5th&6th grade.

Not here.

Nor there.

But one place I do feel at home,

Is around him.

He's the only person who's ever understood.

He's special

He's amazing

He's wonderful.

I feel at home just hearing his laugh.

I feel at home in his arms.

It's so easy to be with him.

Yet it's also kind of hard.

He's the first guy to ever look at me,

And call me beautiful without hesitation.

He tells me not to let anyone tell me different.

He makes me feel like I'm not so...

Broken.

I want him to know how much he means to me.

I want him to see that he's more than he thinks he is.

I wanna make him happy,

But I'm never sure how.

I want to be okay.

I want to be happy.

And most of all,

I just wanna know where I belong...

What am I to you?

What am I to them?

What am I to the people who matter to me?

A disappointment?

Nothing special?

How about an embarrassment?

I'm ready to give up.

Why am I always the embarrassment?

Why is it that I'm always the screw up?

Why won't anyone tell me what's wrong with me?

Why does it seem like I don't matter?

What am I in other people's eyes...

They tell me to just breathe.

To take a breath in through my nose,

Exhale through my mouth,

And calm down.

But how can I breathe when I feel like I'm being crushed?

How can I breathe when everything's falling down around me?

Is it easy for them?

Do they know how hard it is?

I try to explain to make them understand.

At first I am confused,

Bewildered,

And panicked.

Then things get dizzy and fuzzy,

And I become lost,

Upset,

Frightened.

Things go black,

That's all I can see.

Everything slows and after a while I'm okay.

But I don't remember things.

They tell me I blacked out,

And I feel ashamed and alone.

I go through this so often,

I'm starting to crack.

They never understand..

They don't know what I feel or what I experience..

I'm going out of my mind and all they can tell me is...

Breathe.

A thousand times over,

I've fallen for you again and again.

And every time I break,

I tell myself it won't happen again.

The smile you see is one I show to only you,

The smile you see upon my face in public is just a mask,

A mask that I've been making stronger.

Because every time I take that mask off,

Everything underneath is even more shattered than it was the time before.

You are my world.

I'd do anything for you.

I've lost so much that it's still unreal,

And the reality of it kills me.

Broken and torn,

Shattered and set ablaze,

Is the me I'm trying to hide.

And when I pick up the pieces of my broken heart,

They always seem to cut me,

And fall apart and break apart even more.

I show my broken self to the stars,

And find peace in them.

But although I hide myself in the day,

I'm still just as broken, standing in the warmth of the burning sun...