Games with Mr. Death!

It was the last time I was going to live and yet I didn't know it! But let's take it from the beginning, from the day I started to chase or play with death.

My life was never interested and I was always a person who was unlucky! I lost a favorite person of mine at my teenage years and it was really hard for me to force a smile but I learnt to be fake so that I can be the person everyone wanted to see but on my inside I was sad and depressed.

Death crossed my mind, started to talk. Mr. Death was talking to me every single night, even in my dreams, which was weird and was making me stay up at nights. I had no idea why this was happening but getting killed became my only solution for those I cared about. If I was dead, they would live happily, they wouldn't have a person like me being an ass, not talking much, sit there and just smile to everyone or annoying everyone that was what I was thinking every single day and night.

I remember the day I harmed myself or better my wrists but it wasn't with the knife cause I couldn't get one so yeah, I did that (silly me right?). From that day things was not the same for me as I was only living to die by trying to cause it!

After a few years I made it and stopped it until a few months ago, where I had my first experience with being in love and my ex was really making it hard for me because I was feeling a little trapped. Let me stop here and say that I had trust issues and didn't talk much. So back to that, I knew my ex would be bad news but I gave it a try only to see that I was right.

The fact that I wasn't talking much and I was keeping everything inside, made him...I don't know exactly...At first we were ok but later I started to think that he somehow was trying to become someone? Like when he met my bestie he said be careful of her don't hang out much *i know her since 2011-12*, so that's when was I didn't like his attitude so I was trying to keep my eyes open around him and oh angels I'm glad I did. He was making me feel like I was always wrong and him right, he demanded from me to be how I was if I wasn't talking to him the way he wanted, he was making sure to be there when I wanted to go out with and if I said no he was starting to say things like "your friends don't like me? or did they say anything bad?" so I was always invited him. When I was saying that I wanna go to my bestie who lives hours away from he used to say I will come too, you are not going alone and if I dared to say something he was like "why? you don't want me with you?, why to stay at her house with her bf there and me not?". So I never went to see my friend because of that. He wanted always to be there maybe to control me? I don't fucking know, but I somehow I started to feel awful and cry but it doesn't end there.

At nights I couldn't sleep, I wanted to cry and so I did while I was praying to god and angels to take me with them, I didn't want to live anymore because I thought I was a nothing, a nobody. I was the person that noone ever heard when I was talking or tried to talk. So Mr. Death came back to my mind and made me think about death again and how everyone would be great without me! I even looked at the knives and wanted to take one to stab me or cut me.

That ex of mine continued with trying with his own way to change me and I don't mean on my inside but outside the way I look. He saw me once with makeup and then he kept saying for days how gorgeous I was, how I should do makeup often or how about buying my own set of make up and tell my cousin to teach me to do it.

I told him one day that I was gonna start work out cause I wanted to lose my weight, so I would download this app to start soon and at first you can say he cared by asking if I started or if there is something for boys too but then he asked again and again and again. You DO NOT do that so I figured he actually cared for me to lose weight so to go out with me or whatever because we were going out 1 day a week or month, plus we had no communication at all.

Well I had enough of that and just when I thought he couldn't take it far or it was my imagination he started to say things again about my bestie because she send him a message "if i found out you hurt my best friend i will be there" so he thought, he was threaten and he started to threaten her with no reason. You can imagine how shocked I was and he then wanted to take his side because he was right and my friend a bitch witch.

I felt so angry and disappointed by him that I lost my interest for good and I asked him to give me space. Weeks gone by another problem came like with friends. His friends that I never met. He one day said that he will be out with a girl from his gang (mean friends), a girl I never heard of but only that day on the phone. And then he kept going out with common friends and not common, he even hugged one of them and I never knew till my friend told me and showed me a pic.

So the day I met with him was to break up and he even then kept saying that I was never like that, that I was different and that my bestie is telling to do that and that I only speak like that because she is telling me what to say. I tried to make him see that I had my reason plus that he threatened me to kill himself because of a "fight" we had ONCE. He couldn't understand and he kept saying that I was talking bullshit...So then was the time I tried to live but he kept my hand in a way that I tried to call for help!

That person made me think that I don't deserve to be in this world and it still gets into my head like death is all I see! Yes I do believe that everybody will be better without me in this life and I felt it way too much with my ex and there were times that I was throwing myself to that..I wanted to walk in the middle of the street so cars can hit me or I was wishing for my death, I wanted to be killed so bad! I literally flirted with death because he was making me feel bad about me and my life! And it scares me because sometimes I still think of dying like right now if I could!