Healing is so messy

Healing looks like being completely content in front of others to the next breath of having a meltdown in your car.

I had that moment tonight. I completely lost it. I broke down and when I say break down...I mean I was literally screaming crying to the point where I pulled over to catch my breath.

It was the first time in a month.. I held it together so well the past month. I actually counted down the days from when I had my last break down... it was one month to be exact. For a moment, I thought I was completely fine. I reached to a point of finding my own path, moving forward with my future and starting a new lifestyle for myself. However, when I broke down, I thought I had completely lost all of that progress and growth. I feel like I got sucked right back to the beginning.

After that meltdown, I called my friend and went straight over to her house and she said something that stuck with me... it is ok to cry about it. It’s ok to break down every now and then. It’s actually healthier to let it all out and go through the motions instead of putting up a shield and acting like it doesn’t get to you. Your body needs some sort of release of all of that pain.

Just because you have a breakdown here and there and think maybe I was suppose to be past this part already, it does not change the fact that you are not growing from it. Struggling does not mean you are failing. Crying does not mean you are not strong.. it is just apart of the process.

I can tell you after that break down, I feel a little bit better. I was holding onto of all of that junk that was weighing me down and one sentence of “Are you ok?”just set it off. I’m sure I will have more of those moments and that is totally ok.

I have a journal that I try to write

every other day if I am feeling down. So one day when I get past my struggles that I am dealing with now... I can look back and see how far I‘ve came and grown. How much I’ve endured and conquered to get to where I am. To be able to write about growth without feeling the feelings that I have now. To actually see myself from a different perspective. Or even see myself a year down the road and think I am a different person. I mean how great would it be to one day say wow, I’m in a much better place now, or even tell myself why did I let THAT get to me so much? I know better than that. I am a better person because of what happened.

It seems like a very small goal at the moment, but right now it feels so big. One breath, one second, one minute and one day at a time, I will get there. The growth will be beautiful because of the messy healing.