Out of touch with reality
The thoughts linger of mortality
Dissociated from negative feelings
when all it does is leave it empty
I know it’s not completely abnormal to feel this little
Except the mind plays tricks letting the belief sink in that shes the only one who feels this brittle
Feeling a feeling that has never been felt before
The only logical reason she can think of is maybe she been carrying around the weight that has been ignored
Wondering why all of this is resurfacing to an extreme amount of pain
Knowing feeling any of these feelings will give her nothing to gain
Only to feel more shame
Shes ignored her body for so long
Distractions after distractions and helping others in the mist of their troubles that she no longer feels a sense of belonging
Belonging to herself is the biggest lesson to learn
Asking how to move forward with the broken pieces that stare into the reflection of the present….
No longer feeling like herself
Or serving a sense of value for her own
Even speaking into existence makes her feel too negatively to find a way to cope
She knows herself well enough not to desert her life
She’s just stuck in the cycle of barely getting by
Getting by to get out of bed
take care of herself
Go to work
Then come home and isolate as if the day has been enough
Too tired to carry out plans or life goals
Recently told that she is in the depths of depression
So many talks about finding medication to help it lessen
As stubborn as she is - talk therapy has always been enough
not wanting help from others as she is afraid that she is too broken that anyone will leave her in dust for the sake of it being too rough
So she hid this pain to not appear that she is too much to handle
Only typing on this website she uncovers the depth of fears, worries, sadness and the most agonizing thoughts
Without speaking her words that leave it tangled
Tangled in her throat because of fear
Because there is no stranger on here that leaves her insecure
As she spirals into the dark
The unknown sense of fear
She has a mustard seed of hope that someday she will come back instead of wanting to disappear
I know this is temporary
This darkness too shall pass
Its just this picture she sees is too small to contrast
into something bigger and
brighter
That vision seems so far away to grasp.
She wants to write about something positive for once, but lately all she feels is defeat
Good thing this is only a website that doesn’t care about what is being released.
She wants out. A different destination. A different life plan. A different sense of reality.
The happiness, the wholeness, the love…. The dreams filled in her mind
The only sentence she has lived by is one day at a time.
Now it’s one hour at a time. One minute. And one breath.
There is something missing
The desire.
The taste
The joy
The love Or the will to want to live until I’m old and grey, life in general
There is no pulse
Its empty
Its dark
Its terrifying
It’s completely morbid.
My soul aches for something to set it on fire.
Anything.
There is something missing and I Don’t know how to find it, or where, but I’m destined to try
Reminiscing
Quarter till 1 am…
found a fond memory that almost feels like a century ago of a friend I met in the Bahamas. He was a kind soul. We connected. He was my guide on grad week…
Finding out he grew up 30 mins away from my hometown, we talked more. He played guitar and sang beautifully. Reminded me of a dear friend who I lost to life, a few years back.
Probably why we connected more.. I had forgotten about this memory, the goofy times, the times that were so fun that it feels out of touch with reality today.… like that happened?
I thought about him today. Then i thought about a few others.. and one friend I grew up with since kindergarten.
I lost a few friends along the way as I grew up. But the memories stay stored in my pocket on the rainy days. I miss those golden days.
The days I didn’t think too hard, the days I acted carefree and so wildly that when tragedy struck, it hurt, but it didnt linger.
So instead, I’ll reminisce on the days that felt full…
Shattered
Piece by piece
Feeling completely bare with emotions labeled on her forehead for the world to see
The energy to try to shield and armor up is non existent..
Vulnerability feels so naked.
There’s hope. As in hold on pain ends.
There’s faith. As in believing in the higher power that there is more. More to this life than what she can see…. It’s a mustard seed.
And there’s optimism. As in there has to be beauty in the brokenness….
But the will to find it seems like a long stretch to a 10k race on mountains…
It also feels like guilty ness. Feeling guilty for feeling negatively. As if what I feel is insignificant, that I have too much to be grateful for. Almost a dramatic feeling. Making it seem far less than what my body is telling me. Dismissing.
It’s not just one thing. It’s the boxes piled on top that keep growing like wildfire
As soon as one thing feels like healing, the next feels like it’s crashing. A few successes and a-lot of failures. 10 steps forward and about 5 miles backwards...
Consider it as a backwards slingshot. A rubber band in front of the ball.. One wanting to break through freely, but the band resisting it so hard - it won’t move forward. The thought of it popping in half is terrifying… feeling broken.
Or slung far away from the direction it wanted to go..
But the thought of being free from the resistance can be a million and one reasons to let go..
It’s honestly feeling quite stuck, like it’s meant to be this way. Waiting on God to make the next move in chess with the pieces of life.
So I ask, where does one find beauty in the brokenness?
How can One see the possibilities of a tiny bit of true happiness, contentment, peaceful serenity beautiful little moments - that won’t be taken away in a glimpse of bullet...
How can ones dream become a reality when reality is a speck of dust.
How can one find the positives, when it’s getting knocked down by debris and leaves it empty..
It feels too far out of reach..
Like the Mountain sunrise/sunset tent camper reels on instagram that looks too good and too beautiful to be true.
Learning to let go and be okay with the unknowns. To find refuge in the fact that everything at one point had been unknown and only through unwavering trust and surrender has my life unfolded as it’s meant to...
Maybe this time, once again trust and surrender will carry me on my next adventure, stage/season in life. Maybe this time, fear doesn’t have to win.
Disconnected
She articulates her emotions better with writing.
When it comes to conversation, she has trouble saying a complete sentence that would make any sense to be heard..
Shes not running away from it, or diverting to a new subject. She’s ready to be seen…
Except, the fear of being seen is far more greater than the want of being heard.
Something is not connecting… she feels more disconnected to receiving the love that is given.
Even going on random dates, she finds herself empty
She misses the intimacy and tired of the one night stands.
It’s easier for her to be detached
She is a simple person who longs for deep conversations and hates small talk...
If she can quiet her insecurities and the lies whispering the negative thoughts that stop her to speak…
That stop her to feel less than what she believes she is..
She would no longer feel disconnected from human connection
A sleepy body does not agree with a racing mind
Eyes are heavy but the mind keeps going and going… like a hamster wheel..stirring one thought after another.
Could be 11 pm delirious thoughts… like contemplating how volcanoes form underwater…
Or it can feel like one of those bingo ball cages…waiting for the dice to roll…on which thought will over rule rest and contemplate on life..
Can one really quiet down the mind?
Get well soon
There are three words that are used more often than I love you.
Get well soon.
The problem is we are not well and it is already soon. The prescriptions of our lives seem to go on for so long that I wonder…
Who is prescribing to who?
As much as I am told to get well soon, I’m never told when I truly need it…. And why I ask myself?
Well because no one can see it..
We have medication to replace the miseducation…. that in fact we are able and capable of curing ourselves.
The people that poison our minds to believe that without these pills.. we will never be free..
just take a happy pill, it’ll all go away…
But wouldn’t you rather feel something instead of numbness to the pain?
So I ask… how soon, is soon?
It is said with such ease… It is not a phrase that is said with such prayer or time taken to contribute in the wellness of me..
just a sentence because they are also at dis-ease. They are struggling the same as you and me… and so collectively all that we can hope for is to get well soon.