i’m sorry for healing slowly

i have never wanted to heal so bad.

never wanted to fall back in love with life, to look forwards to waking up, to shrug off my ever-present cloak of depression and be able to live with the same saturation as before.

i mourn who i was before, but i do not want to be her again. i must change, as we all do, as it is healthy, but i do wish i hadn't changed into such a excuse for who i could've been.

and i forgive myself, i do not think i am bad, or lacking, i am simply,

not whole.

i have never wanted to heal so bad, so that i can reciprocate being loved better. i want to be present with my friends, and able to have real social battery, not the half-forced laughs because i want to be able to smile with them. i want to be able to derive my own happiness from writing and existing and laughing, to prevent codependence on my boyfriend. i want to be happy on my own so i can fill his bucket too. i want to grow and change and flourish so i can share it with others.

i have never wanted to heal so bad and it's uncharted waters and i don't know how. i'm trying, believe me.

apologies for going slowly.

but also, i will take as much time as needed.

thank you.

just know, i have never wanted more to get better. to take a remedy or a pill and be happy again. i'm trying, i'm trying,

and i'll see you soon.