maybe talking is not such a big deal. i always think it will be, and i build it up to this great thing in my head, but then i talk to him and he has bad spelling errors and not enough information for those many words and it's frankly, not that interesting. we often forget everything is in our heads.

i don’t think i’ve even been dating someone and happy. i’ve been in love and happy; but whenever i’m with someone i guess i’m just waiting for them to leave, or to see what they want me to do next, or how this one is going to break. and it’s not…nihilistic? it’s more anticipatory. i’m bracing. when i like someone but they don’t know, they don’t respond, our relationship isn’t on the line, it’s so easy to just yearn and yearn and yearn. but. i feel like i can’t be friends with my exes and therefore i’m always so worried i’m going to lose them and therefore forever. i lose them as a romantic partner and a friend all in one and then i’m back on this blue website and my heart kinda hurts and it feels like when you drink too much coffee in the afternoon on no food and it’s a half headache half hating. but when i break up with someone i’m never really over them because i still am endeared. so i. i just can’t. do anything. i’m never happy with someone and never without because i love making people feel loved and when i don’t love more i feel like guilty, like i’m dragging it down but then maybe it was just the sexual coercion that was giving me a bad feeling in my stomach. maybe i need a cigarette. i don’t need a cigarette. i need a moment where i exhale and thags my only job. my only job is to breathe. but yeah, i’m most happy and in love when i’m in love with someone and they don’t know, maybe they suspect, but they don’t know. maybe that’s selfish. cause i can just pour feelings onto them. but whenever i’m with someone i’m just bracing for him to dissapesr back into his house or them to admit he doesn’t like me, he just likes me listening to me, and THATS ALL THEY LIKE. THEY LIKE BEING LISTENED TO. and i don’t like not being listened to. therapy….this has dissolved into a rant, so be it.

do you ever really get over someone who you loved? there will always be a little part of your heart straining and tearing through everything, ripping down your walls and wanting to be with them. do you really ever listen to their voice and feel nothing? walk down the street and know you could grab their hand? you don't do it, but you entertained the thought, and doesn't that count for something? do you ever just. let go? move on? i think i will always be a little in love with all of those people.

please god, make me an artist in my next life too.

if i read 100 books a year - mind you, 52/year is one per week, so 100/year is just under 2 a week - i will only be able to read 1000 books in a decade. that seems like so little. i'm sure the classics take up at least 300/400, and now we're left with about 650, which still has to encompass screenplays and manga and poetry and all the unconventional and then the books. i can name ten books easily. and that's a tenth of what i can read this year? only??? there will never be enough time in this life, so please god, maybe me a reader and then a writer and then those two a million times over.

but i want to be a visual artist, an animator, a sculptor, a performance artist, a ballerina, a choreographer, a painter, a sketcher, a playwright, a screenwriter, a book editor, a poet, SO MANY THINGS. and arguable i could do all of that in this life, but i want to be able to dedicate a life to all of those things. i want to be able to throw myself into it and dedicate all i have to all of that. and a musician. i want to be a violinist. and a singer. someone who tours. and a drummer. and someone who takes care of the greenhouse. and someone who excels in high fantasy, and then romance, and then dystopia, and then a journalist, and an architect, a famous ao3 writer, so many things.

please please please god make me an artists in my next life, and the one after that, and the one after that, and on and on and on because there will never be enough time for the arts.

she is pretty, not because of her physical features, and not by the magazine standard, even though she fulfils those too, but because her nose crinkles when she laughs, and she wears down people with her over-enthusiastic questions, and she wears that one shirt over and over and over again and assures me it was washed last week. she's reading narnia again, because it is her second favourite childhood book and it's june, and she is more open-minded than is probably good for her. she stops more for stray cats than stray dogs, and she follows a sign-language learning blog even though she isn't fluent by any definition in her mother tongue. she puts too much salt on her fries and then always gives them to me. and then we both need water. she hates the wind but she loves the rain, and she takes her coffee with one tablespoon of sugar and then a little more.

i have never been taken on a date.

i have been in four relationships. and i have never been taken on a date because my partner wanted to take me on one. it's always been because i asked and they felt like they had too.

like i wish they wanted to. any everyone says it's stupid, that your partner can't read your mind, but if i've asked for them before, like maybe i would like more than one.

i remember feelings so stupid asking for him to take me on a date because like.

i always want to be friends with my partners before we date, but then there is this hard transition into intentionally romantic gestures that go beyond a kiss or hand holding or something like that.

i asked him to take me on dates in feburary and we have been dating since october. because we always ended up going back to him place. even when i asked for walks, he would just be like, we can talk at my place, but then he wanted to watch things or do physical stuff and i wish he wanted to spend time with me like in a nice way.

the first r/s was a summer fling. there was nothing wrong with it. we only hung out. they got me lavender. no official official dates makes sense.

the second was half-online. the first and only time we met up when we were dating did we go on a walk.

the third was i guess. he took me to the christmas market because we had talked about it before, as friends, and how it was wonderful and i had never been. but that was it. every other time we just walked or hung out or was chilling.

the fourth. i guess i shouldn't count it. cause we didn't do it right. it was a situationship. we couldn't get together for various reasons and it wasn't right. but i had to ask to even just go on walks instead of staying inside. i took us to get boba or go to the art museum or to get korean food. even though i had asked for it.

no one has ever just. wanted to take me and maybe this sounds stupid but no one has ever taken me on a date because they have wanted to take me on a date. no one has ever taken me cause they want to, it's because i ask or it's planed for a while. NO ONE HAS EVER PLANNED ONE FOR ME AND TAKEN ME CAUSE THEY WANT TO AND I'M AFRAID IF SOMEONE DOES I WILL BREAK DOWN AND CRY AND ACTUALLY DEDICATE MYSELF TO THEM ON THE SPOT.

this is such a rant.

i'm just fucked up. because i have to love more so i will never hurt my partners but then i am never happy because i put them on this pedestal and they can look down on me and then they don't care about me

idk it's not like i want someone to write songs about me or bring me flowers or take me on dates but i want someone to care about me enough that those actions cross their mind and they want to do it for me.

cause i always drag my partners places and i bring them flowers and THEY NEVER.

i display my love through stories and flowers and thinking of them and i wish they did the same because it would be like speaking to me through my love language

i don't necessarily want the physical things, i want them to think of me and care about me and want to do something nice for me and those sentiments traditionally manifest in those physical expressions.

tears flow down pavement

the world weeps for the unsung

whose home isn't here

rain plays detective

for the lost who are weeping

for lemon soda

for arms that hug back

for rocking chairs and snowballs

for the lie of hope

when you turn thirteen

grappling with all this life

no one will say why

when or how or who

you simply have you move on

even as you weep

the humanity

you have it better and worse

than your mind believes

if you never think

that you are going insane

rain will never find you

we get better at taking care of ourselves. we learn and we get better at it.

at cleaning our fridge and choosing the right people to spent time with, at balancing what makes us happy vs what we need to do in this world, and if we should have that ice cream because we want it or we want it and we know it will make us sick afterwards.

we get better at choosing ourselves over others and over who we think we should be or who our parents want us to be or who our friends think we are and who our ex-partners and current ones believe us to be. we have to choose us, and who we are, and maybe who we want to be, but that's about it.

the lyrics for sofia: "i think we can do it if we try, if only to say you're mine." you're mine. she's mine. i'm mine. i should choose myself. but not just sometimes. i should be able to choose myself and choose the ones i love at the same time. otherwise, how will i spend the rest of my life with them? i cannot be in a constant act of sacrifice - and for what? for nothing? as fyodor says, " the worst part is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing. FOR NOTHING." i need to be able to choose me and the one i love at the same time. and maybe it will happen.

(i feel like my pieces have been becoming more and more ranty recently. perhaps they will return to more literary. i don't know. but i am aware.)