i have never been taken on a date.

i have never been taken on a date.

i have been in four relationships. and i have never been taken on a date because my partner wanted to take me on one. it's always been because i asked and they felt like they had too.

like i wish they wanted to. any everyone says it's stupid, that your partner can't read your mind, but if i've asked for them before, like maybe i would like more than one.

i remember feelings so stupid asking for him to take me on a date because like.

i always want to be friends with my partners before we date, but then there is this hard transition into intentionally romantic gestures that go beyond a kiss or hand holding or something like that.

i asked him to take me on dates in feburary and we have been dating since october. because we always ended up going back to him place. even when i asked for walks, he would just be like, we can talk at my place, but then he wanted to watch things or do physical stuff and i wish he wanted to spend time with me like in a nice way.

the first r/s was a summer fling. there was nothing wrong with it. we only hung out. they got me lavender. no official official dates makes sense.

the second was half-online. the first and only time we met up when we were dating did we go on a walk.

the third was i guess. he took me to the christmas market because we had talked about it before, as friends, and how it was wonderful and i had never been. but that was it. every other time we just walked or hung out or was chilling.

the fourth. i guess i shouldn't count it. cause we didn't do it right. it was a situationship. we couldn't get together for various reasons and it wasn't right. but i had to ask to even just go on walks instead of staying inside. i took us to get boba or go to the art museum or to get korean food. even though i had asked for it.

no one has ever just. wanted to take me and maybe this sounds stupid but no one has ever taken me on a date because they have wanted to take me on a date. no one has ever taken me cause they want to, it's because i ask or it's planed for a while. NO ONE HAS EVER PLANNED ONE FOR ME AND TAKEN ME CAUSE THEY WANT TO AND I'M AFRAID IF SOMEONE DOES I WILL BREAK DOWN AND CRY AND ACTUALLY DEDICATE MYSELF TO THEM ON THE SPOT.

this is such a rant.

i'm just fucked up. because i have to love more so i will never hurt my partners but then i am never happy because i put them on this pedestal and they can look down on me and then they don't care about me

idk it's not like i want someone to write songs about me or bring me flowers or take me on dates but i want someone to care about me enough that those actions cross their mind and they want to do it for me.

cause i always drag my partners places and i bring them flowers and THEY NEVER.

i display my love through stories and flowers and thinking of them and i wish they did the same because it would be like speaking to me through my love language

i don't necessarily want the physical things, i want them to think of me and care about me and want to do something nice for me and those sentiments traditionally manifest in those physical expressions.