we get better at taking care of ourselves

we get better at taking care of ourselves. we learn and we get better at it.

at cleaning our fridge and choosing the right people to spent time with, at balancing what makes us happy vs what we need to do in this world, and if we should have that ice cream because we want it or we want it and we know it will make us sick afterwards.

we get better at choosing ourselves over others and over who we think we should be or who our parents want us to be or who our friends think we are and who our ex-partners and current ones believe us to be. we have to choose us, and who we are, and maybe who we want to be, but that's about it.

the lyrics for sofia: "i think we can do it if we try, if only to say you're mine." you're mine. she's mine. i'm mine. i should choose myself. but not just sometimes. i should be able to choose myself and choose the ones i love at the same time. otherwise, how will i spend the rest of my life with them? i cannot be in a constant act of sacrifice - and for what? for nothing? as fyodor says, " the worst part is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing. FOR NOTHING." i need to be able to choose me and the one i love at the same time. and maybe it will happen.

(i feel like my pieces have been becoming more and more ranty recently. perhaps they will return to more literary. i don't know. but i am aware.)