happy

i don’t think i’ve even been dating someone and happy. i’ve been in love and happy; but whenever i’m with someone i guess i’m just waiting for them to leave, or to see what they want me to do next, or how this one is going to break. and it’s not…nihilistic? it’s more anticipatory. i’m bracing. when i like someone but they don’t know, they don’t respond, our relationship isn’t on the line, it’s so easy to just yearn and yearn and yearn. but. i feel like i can’t be friends with my exes and therefore i’m always so worried i’m going to lose them and therefore forever. i lose them as a romantic partner and a friend all in one and then i’m back on this blue website and my heart kinda hurts and it feels like when you drink too much coffee in the afternoon on no food and it’s a half headache half hating. but when i break up with someone i’m never really over them because i still am endeared. so i. i just can’t. do anything. i’m never happy with someone and never without because i love making people feel loved and when i don’t love more i feel like guilty, like i’m dragging it down but then maybe it was just the sexual coercion that was giving me a bad feeling in my stomach. maybe i need a cigarette. i don’t need a cigarette. i need a moment where i exhale and thags my only job. my only job is to breathe. but yeah, i’m most happy and in love when i’m in love with someone and they don’t know, maybe they suspect, but they don’t know. maybe that’s selfish. cause i can just pour feelings onto them. but whenever i’m with someone i’m just bracing for him to dissapesr back into his house or them to admit he doesn’t like me, he just likes me listening to me, and THATS ALL THEY LIKE. THEY LIKE BEING LISTENED TO. and i don’t like not being listened to. therapy….this has dissolved into a rant, so be it.