Mental illness at its finest

For everyone it’s different there is no right or wrong and there in never just one explanation on what it is or one definition. But I can tell you about my bipolar and what I have learnt from in these last 6 months now that I understand somewhat of it. though there is a twist I also have adhd and asd. I’m still learning more about those everyday as well. But just for example what has happened these last few months.

have you ever seen vampire diaries and how the vampires can just turn their humanity switch off? Well I have found I have a similar switch. I don’t go all bat shit crazy hurting or killing anyone. I just simply have no feelings or emotions. No reactions or sensations. to be honest I even lose my voice because what’s the point? Why be heard or seen when I’m a void?

it doesn’t just happen all at once. It just starts with a bad day, a little bad news. It drags out to be a bad week, 2, 3 and next you know it’s a month. But then you have another bad thing on top of that before you have healed on top of it. You can’t ask for help because “everyone has issues and can get through it without help”. So you pile it on your back and mask so everyone is fooled thinking you are fine. you keep going with these but you’re getting tired, oops you can’t rest ”because everyone else keeps going”. Then boom another bad thing his and you start losing yourself under all this bad. Your light is dimming. It’s getting dark. You’re trying to reach out and grasp Onto anything but you fail so you try again. YOU GRAB SOMETHING but it’s just in your grasp. Your hands are slipping and BOOM your hit with a few more bad this and you lose your grip. You’re falling in slow motion in this black abyss. Yet you’re getting crush with pain, anger, guilt, sadness, even rage like blinding rage. while you’re mentally falling you physically have chest pains, body aches, even to the point you cannot move.

then one morning you wake and you’re okay. Well you think youre okay but you can’t trust yourself because have you fooled yourself with your own mask of lies?

BOOM, one more bad thing. You start to shatter and cry but in a split second you’re null in void of any emotions or feelings. It’s all gone. But that also means no joy, no spark, no happines, no laughter, no light. It’s a dark dark dark abyss.

it’s sad how easily no one notices when someone is this broken. It’s sad that they can’t see through the mask even when the mask isn’t there. When the mask has been removed out of felling safe. But getting hurt once it’s off. Or it’s taken off and put back on when people don’t like it when it’s off. It’s hard trying to fit in. It’s hard finding a place where we are not weird or different. So we mask and mirror.

it can be a really dark place and it’s not all the same. The switch will turn back on and we will reset. We just don’t know when or how. But major losses are a killer. I have lost everything and I’m not okay. Also bipolar isn’t as crazy and messed up as they play it out on the tv. That’s just not okay. The same with adhd and asd.