My real break up letter/poem

I swear...it hurts me way more than I led on...

I didn't react much.. because I was paralyzed..

I couldn't say what I should have said because I was hurt,

I froze up because I realized...

I realized that every single love song was about you..

I realized how full of love you made me feel..

I realized that now it wasn't going to be like that anymore..

And I realized that painful breakups are very real.

I would do anything to get you back, if only i could...

I keep thinking and imagining scenarios, it drives me crazy..

But I don't show it to anyone, I bottle it up...

I can't get over you, can't get over the way you made me...feel...

Because I actually..felt something...

where as before I hadn't.

I couldn't.

I didn't let myself and I didn't have a reason to..

But then you became my reason to feel things..

And boy did I feel every single one,

the little sweet kisses and little sweet nothings,

nothings.. and endings.. and now you're gone....

You know.. it's really lonely now..

I still listen to our stupid music and our stupid songs...

still feel that stupid pain and have those stupid thoughts..

But I promised and I don't break promises..

I won't die because of you..

Please, don't ever think that.

Because that is simply not true..

I'll die because I tried and I can't come through..

I'll die because I let it consume me with all my other demons.

I'll die because I don't have the guts to get up and live!

But you?! You HAVE to live...

I have never met a human so intriguing and unique and beautiful and kind and funny and so so many things more...

The world needs intriguing and unique and beauty and kind and funny..

I'm not your world anymore..

So go search out in the world,

Someone to share how much you love wearing whatever the hell you want..

Go get you someone who will love you even if you get super stubborn about some silly thing,

Find someone who will dance with you in the rain and talk to you till 4 in the morning whilst looking at the stars..

Because you deserve someone.. you deserve the best.. that's all I want for you..

and I'm not it..

I get that now...

I told you I needed more time..

I said we can still be friends and I know you want that too...

But I can't.. DO YOU SEE ME?

I AM BROKEN AND I DONT WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF TRYING TO FIX ME AGAIN...

please..

don't try to fix me again cause then I really won't be able to let you go...

The lord knows..

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I will always always love..

and in a way that also hurts..

because I know you'll find a great person one day who's not me..

and then they'll get to enjoy your smile and those beautiful emerald eyes..

They'll get to love you and hold you and kiss you...

I can't bear it.. it tears me in pieces..

too many pieces...

there's.. almost.. nothing left

I'm so lost without you Ruth..

I'm so fucking lost..

I'm so hurt and scared..

I just think... it would be best if I'd go.

I'll leave, I'll disappear..

then you can live life to the fullest.

I don't want to hold you back with the "what ifs" and "whys"..

I want you to be happy...

and I know it can't be with me..

so I'll go.. I don't know where yet but we'll see where the roads lead me and where my soul feels safe... atleast you're safe..

me? I'm gonna disappear

don't worry

it'll be quick and after a while you'll get used to it..

everyone does..

that's life..

the thing is.. I can't continue living my life now if I don't have any goal whatsoever..

so I'm just gonna go with the flow.. let it take me where it wants to...

maybe we'll even cross paths one day again..

if we do I hope you say hi..

that would be nice....

but in case we don't..

2 things:

I am a messed up mf..

I am incredibly and undoubtedly entirely in love with you.

Take that as you will..

keep my jumper..

remember: I like knowing that my favorite human has my favorite jumper..

keep the necklace.. cause honestly your heart really is out of gold..

and the book... well.. I'd actually like the book back..

I don't know if you look in it alot or if it's still existing..

but if it is, and if you don't mind... could I have that book back?.. for the memories...? the conversations we should've had but couldn't? the little trip down memory lane?

I'd appreciate it if I could...

I hope you don't die..

Don't even try..

I need you one way or another..

Even if it's not as a lover..

I just hope you don't forget me..

I'll never ever forget you..

I'll always love you unconditionally..

And hope to see you soon...

-MikeTheTranny