I'm seeing someone now...

She's sweet and funny,

but to tell the truth..

she doesn't compare to you..

She likes to talk all day long,

likes to play with my hair,

and listening to my songs,

but doesn't know they're about you...

I know I'm not actually cheating,

but...she doesn't have my heart..

how could she if I already gave it to you?

I would tell her but..she doesn't know me like you do..

I let you in completely and entirely,

and I would do it all over again if I could,

I'm trying to move on but hope keeps from doing so,

I try to move on..but I don't know if I should..

Because.. I know you love me too...

I know you still wonder what I'm doing,

if I'm happy, healthy, if I think about you,

well.. you know me, so you know I do..

If I got on a plane right now and got to you...

tell me honestly, what would you do?...

would you hug me tight and not let me go?

would you ask me to stay cause you love me so?....

She's sweet..and gentle..and I feel sorry for her,

cause she's trying to hold onto the pieces of me left,

but we know this wasn't something that was supposed to last,

what can I say? it happened all so fast.

I feel stupid for using her like that..

I just wanted warmth and affection..

but now I realised I don't want just any kind..

I just want your warmth and affection.. is that a crime?

If so then lock me up,

because I plead guilty of being so in love with you,

cause I could never feel guilty for loving you...

It was always you..

it still is you..

and will forever be..you..

It's hard to put into words...

when I try to start writing it down the pen in my hand trembles...

I feel the sweat pour down my face and my heart begins to race and my breathing gets heavy...

I blink and sit up to catch my breath and try to recollect myself...

I notice it's not working so I think "Dont think to much, Michael...just breath"...

I go back to the paper and force my hand to write down what I feel inside and it feels so forced and painful at the beginning...

...then it begins to find a path... it begins to make sense and I finally feel all the pain, the tears and sweat, the fear and anger get set free on this piece of paper... and when I'm done...

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

...just for a second... I can breath again... I can even smile for a bit... then the first words of this piece catches my eye again and I can't help but let a tear escape my eye... I tell myself it's for the better... I tell myself it will get better... but then I ask myself... "are you sure?" "when?" "how?" ...and I have no answer... so I put my pen to paper again... because that's how I can let it go for at least a moment...but then the moment comes where I've ran out of paper and ran out of ink...when I've ran out of words that can truly describe the pain I'm in...so it stays in my head...so many unwritten stories and poems and songs...so much guilt, pain, fear and hate...I just want to be happy...be able to breath for a second... be able to be...normal...but what is normal?...In moments like these all I can do is try to trick my body into thinking it's ok...and maybe...one day...it will be ok...if I just keep on...

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale...

MikeTheTranny

I wonder..will I ever be able to run through those fields again?

Wind in my hair, sun on my face, and a slight grin..

I wish I could go back to then, I was about ten..

I was innocent, loved life and grateful for everything..

I remember...

I would lay on the grass and stare in awe at the clouds,

Interesting how memories can replay in my head but not in real life..

I'd take in every smell, every colour, every single sound..

It was my happy place and now, as an adult, I know why..

I was happy.. so every place was my happy place..

I couldn't help but feel joy and spread it with others,

No one would've known by looking at my face..

That I'd be my own torment, but now I have it covered.

I remember...

I would try to make everyone laugh, at least once a day,

I didn't know why, but it felt good, so I did it,

I'd make goofy faces and I somehow always knew what to say..

I wish that could be me now, but it isn't...

but that's ok.

I remember...

If I couldn't make someone happy,

I couldnt help but feel like I'd failed,

I'd hug them and tell them I was sorry..

Now I know, sometimes it's good to be sad..

Sad isn't always bad.

I remember alot of things from my childhood..

And there were so many dark things in my past..

But I chose to be happy, and I knew where I stood..

I'd use all my energy to bring forth a smile, up till my last.

I could use a kid like 10 year old me sometimes,

Actually, I have one and he's called Bobo..

I know.. funny name, but he loves it and he's mine..

He's a part of me that I won't ever let go.

Bobo is short, strong, funny and blonde with green eyes,

He see's the world with so much love in his heart,

Peter protects him, but he still likes to come out sometimes,

Sometimes he has to take over..after all he is a part...

well.. of me..

I want to thank Bobo for his precious mind,

Thank you for making me smile, at least once a day,

Thank you for seeing the world the way you do, you're a one of a kind...

Thank you.. Bobo..for choosing to stay..

-MikeTheTranny

AN: This is a tribute to a year ago... on the 2nd of November my life changed in so many ways ... all thanks to one magical human being ... at the right time at the right place. Thank you.

-----‐--------------------------------

'Soulmates? I don't know if I believe in that stuff..' well I have to go to the youth church thingy in a bit. I bru my teeth, spray some perfume, make sure I'm looking top notch, aaaand I'm good! I hop on my bicycle, wave to the caretakers letting them know that I'm leaving, and make my way to the church.

'Wow. There are more kids here than I thought hehe.' I go to stand anxiously with the people I'm working with tonight. My job? I get to sing "I have decided to follow Jesus". Now, looking back, I can't even remotely explain the irony of me singing that and everything that happened after, it's justttt... well, you'll see.

Finally it's go time. We start acting and tell the kids they gotta get inside, but quietly! Otherwise the guards could hear us! Shhh! Not so loud! Ok, now we're all in the cellar, safe and sound. Our pastor begins to preach and we're all sat on the floor in a circle listening, when all of a sudden.. we hear a banging on the door. We freeze. "Hide the bibles!" someone whispers in frustration. "Open up! We're the police!", "We know you are holding a Christian sermon in there" they knock louder and finally manage to get in, as we managed to finally hide all the bibles.. the kids play along, which is great, and I'm still in character. After some snooping around and questioning and yelling, the guards take our preacher with them...

I still remember John saying "but I'm pregnant" when they were yelling aaand I broke character for a split second... and in that split second I noticed a beautiful young lady sat next to me laughing. Wow. No, I need to focus! Oh shit, it's my turn now! I have to sing and... I forgot the 2nd part, but luckily Tanja helps me and then eventually everyone sings the last part. I feel relieved and now I can go back to being me. Our real preacher comes to the front and asks us to budge more closer so we can hear the preaching better and so we do.

I move closer...and I notice this young lady is sat directly to my right. Yes, I took another glance. And I think she noticed cause..she taps me on the shoulder, I turn to look at her ...and I'm just blown away... I almost didn't hear what she said..

"Ich mag dein.. um dein..." (I like your.. um your...) and then she pointed to my tattoo. 'Oh, she likes my tranny tattoo lol', "Ah, danke! Dem halb ich selber gemahlt" (Ah, thank you! I designed it myself.), I say proudly. She smiles and nods.. what a beautiful smile.. and .. God.. those eyes.. man... how? "Was bedeutet das?" (What does it mean?) she asks. I remember again that I'm at a church where I'm part of the team that is in charge of this evening program and so I say "Ach, das ist was von meine vergangenheit..." (Oh, well that's just something from my past...) I awkwardly say whilst avoiding eye contact and she gives an understanding nod and we both refocus on the sermon. Atleast I tried. Haha. But I couldn't help it. So I didn't stop myself. And I'm glad I didn't.

I turn to her and ask "Wie heist du eigentlich?" (So, what's your name?) and she says "Ruth".... like the 'th' breathing out..yknow? So I was tooken aback a little and blurted "Ruth, like in English Ruth?" and the relief that spread on her face was priceless, "Yesss", she says. "Do you speak english?", I ask. "Yeah, I do. I'm actually not from here and don't really talk that much German yet hence the not knowing how to say tattoo in German", I couldnt help but notice a slight southern US accent and it sounded sweet, so sweet; we laugh. ... well, to be honest, "we clicked".

Every now and then throughout the sermon we would talk and make eachother laugh a lil. Then we were asked to put ourselves into groups of 2 and pray...we instantly looked at eachother, we smiled, and I asked, "Do you wanna sit outside to do this?". "Sure" she answers, whilst I let Tanja know I'll be right outside if she needs me, and she just gives me a knowing look, a nod, smile and a thumbs up. 'a.k.a. she was approving haha'.

Ruth and I sit on a bench beneath a tree right in front of the pool they use for the baptisms of this church. It's peaceful and we hear the nature around us and see the stars. It's beautiful...and she's beautiful.

"You know.. my tattoo is actually a trans tattoo." I mention, and this triumphant smile appears on her face, "I knew it!" she said. I couldn't help but laugh, "How though?", "The colors and the symbol..I dunno dude I just knew." she says. Oh! Are those butterflies I'm feeling? Why, yes they are! We start talking about LGBT stuff and bond over it and I'll never forget when she said, " ...for the Lord knows I'm a bottom." I had to contain myself, cause I did not expect her to say anything like that at all, but I love it. 'So she's, beautiful, intelligent, kind, smart, funny and witty... I think I really like her.'

It was just us two. Us two and we could've talked for hours and hours more... but eventually we did have to part ways. When her cousin called her to head home, that's when it hit me... 'WAIT...what if I never see you again?? What if what I feel isn't just me?? What if you feel like how I feel?? Oh my God.. I have feelings for her..' So I muster up my courage and ask her quickly if I could give her my number, and she immediately says yes. We hug a quick hug before she goes and I play a song she recommended me: Angela - The Lumineers... and on that 1 minute ride home.. I realized something... something I never before thought would actually be able to happen to me.. but I had fallen in love with this girl.. wow....

-MikeTheTranny

The temperature drops..

I glance at the clock..

I can't help but sigh..

I guess I failed this time...

again..

I'm still breathing..

I'm still here..

I'm still wishing that leaving..

wasn't so hard, but I fear..

If I leave you want notice..

If I go you won't care.

If I'm gone, then I'm gone..

No, I know you're not scared.

You know I can't do it,

you know I don't have the guts.

You know that I'll try, and I'll cry, and sigh, and pray to God to die!..but..

I know, you know I'll hold on to the "buts"...

"But what if..." I lived another day...

"But what if.." I actually want to stay..

"But what if.." my parents don't make it..

"But .. what if.." you actually.. won't be able to take it..

What if .. the reason I'm here is for you to have someone,

not to hold or to love, but to have someone...

Someone you can talk to anytime of day or night..

Someone who'll guide you from what's wrong or what's right...

Someone who'll see past all your faults and stay and care..

Someone.. who's there for you .. when life's not so fair..

You know that I'd walk through fire and hell for you..

You know that I'd protect you with all that I am..

You know that I'd spend my last moments thinking of you..

You know I'll come back to life if I fucking have to...for you..

You know that.. right?..

Please know that..

Know and believe that..

Cause there isn't a bigger truth I know than all this..

I knew all this even way before our first kiss...

I knew it was you and it was me..

No matter where we would be..

You're still here in some way..

And I'll be with you and promise to not go away..

I won't leave you in your darkest moments..

I won't leave you even if you punched me in the face..

I won't leave you if everyone else does..

I won't leave until you can rest and breath and feel safe..

I promised many things,

And I remember every single one..

Some are harder than others..

But we'll take life as it comes.

I'll always have your back..

Even if you don't have mine.

I'll always care and that's a fact..

Even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes..

I'm here..

I'll always be here..

Even when I'm not..

Don't forget our spot...

...11PM on the dot

-MikeTheTranny

I swear...it hurts me way more than I led on...

I didn't react much.. because I was paralyzed..

I couldn't say what I should have said because I was hurt,

I froze up because I realized...

I realized that every single love song was about you..

I realized how full of love you made me feel..

I realized that now it wasn't going to be like that anymore..

And I realized that painful breakups are very real.

I would do anything to get you back, if only i could...

I keep thinking and imagining scenarios, it drives me crazy..

But I don't show it to anyone, I bottle it up...

I can't get over you, can't get over the way you made me...feel...

Because I actually..felt something...

where as before I hadn't.

I couldn't.

I didn't let myself and I didn't have a reason to..

But then you became my reason to feel things..

And boy did I feel every single one,

the little sweet kisses and little sweet nothings,

nothings.. and endings.. and now you're gone....

You know.. it's really lonely now..

I still listen to our stupid music and our stupid songs...

still feel that stupid pain and have those stupid thoughts..

But I promised and I don't break promises..

I won't die because of you..

Please, don't ever think that.

Because that is simply not true..

I'll die because I tried and I can't come through..

I'll die because I let it consume me with all my other demons.

I'll die because I don't have the guts to get up and live!

But you?! You HAVE to live...

I have never met a human so intriguing and unique and beautiful and kind and funny and so so many things more...

The world needs intriguing and unique and beauty and kind and funny..

I'm not your world anymore..

So go search out in the world,

Someone to share how much you love wearing whatever the hell you want..

Go get you someone who will love you even if you get super stubborn about some silly thing,

Find someone who will dance with you in the rain and talk to you till 4 in the morning whilst looking at the stars..

Because you deserve someone.. you deserve the best.. that's all I want for you..

and I'm not it..

I get that now...

I told you I needed more time..

I said we can still be friends and I know you want that too...

But I can't.. DO YOU SEE ME?

I AM BROKEN AND I DONT WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF TRYING TO FIX ME AGAIN...

please..

don't try to fix me again cause then I really won't be able to let you go...

The lord knows..

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I will always always love..

and in a way that also hurts..

because I know you'll find a great person one day who's not me..

and then they'll get to enjoy your smile and those beautiful emerald eyes..

They'll get to love you and hold you and kiss you...

I can't bear it.. it tears me in pieces..

too many pieces...

there's.. almost.. nothing left

I'm so lost without you Ruth..

I'm so fucking lost..

I'm so hurt and scared..

I just think... it would be best if I'd go.

I'll leave, I'll disappear..

then you can live life to the fullest.

I don't want to hold you back with the "what ifs" and "whys"..

I want you to be happy...

and I know it can't be with me..

so I'll go.. I don't know where yet but we'll see where the roads lead me and where my soul feels safe... atleast you're safe..

me? I'm gonna disappear

don't worry

it'll be quick and after a while you'll get used to it..

everyone does..

that's life..

the thing is.. I can't continue living my life now if I don't have any goal whatsoever..

so I'm just gonna go with the flow.. let it take me where it wants to...

maybe we'll even cross paths one day again..

if we do I hope you say hi..

that would be nice....

but in case we don't..

2 things:

I am a messed up mf..

I am incredibly and undoubtedly entirely in love with you.

Take that as you will..

keep my jumper..

remember: I like knowing that my favorite human has my favorite jumper..

keep the necklace.. cause honestly your heart really is out of gold..

and the book... well.. I'd actually like the book back..

I don't know if you look in it alot or if it's still existing..

but if it is, and if you don't mind... could I have that book back?.. for the memories...? the conversations we should've had but couldn't? the little trip down memory lane?

I'd appreciate it if I could...

I hope you don't die..

Don't even try..

I need you one way or another..

Even if it's not as a lover..

I just hope you don't forget me..

I'll never ever forget you..

I'll always love you unconditionally..

And hope to see you soon...

-MikeTheTranny

Her body glistens in the light

I urge to play with her all night

I pick her up and hold her steady

Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck

Just touching her makes me euphoric

Across her body, my right hand goes

I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light

I urge to play with her all night.

I pick her up and hold her steady,

Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.

Have to stay focused, every moment counts.

I am ready; let's get movin'.

Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.

I urge to play with her all night.

I pick her up and hold her steady,

Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.

As I do, she starts to sing.

The sounds and feelings grow more immense.

The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.

I urge to play with her all night.

I pick her up and hold her steady.

Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

She screams and screams, while I am gropin'.

My heart stops as I see the door open.

My mom walks in and with a frown

Says, "Your guitar is too loud, please turn it down."

(This is one of my favorite misleading "love" poems, hope you guys enjoyed it!)

All credit goes to: Jared M. Stein

Manic,

Kind of euphoric,

Almost as if I'm high but without the drugs,

Almost like being intoxicated but I'm not drunk.

These ideas and dreams explode from within,

The rush of adrenaline in my veins, I can feel it,

I'm awake..all of me, I feel it underneath my skin.

I'm powerful, over the top, even crazy, just a bit.

Everything seems a little brighter, even a little lighter,

Now I'm the best poet, the best artist, maybe even the best writer.

But even now I still get tired,

Even now I would like to sleep,

But Mani yells, "Can't you see? You're inspired!"

"Take this opportunity, take it and leap!"

I feel my self soaring with the birds in the sky,

Not a care in the world, not a care about why.

Now..I know there's a reason for this,

And not a good one at that,

Something you definently couldn't miss,

For my brain is in constant combat.

And when Mani fails and has to go away...

...Downy decides it's his turn to stay.

He klips off my wings and ties me to the ground,

Creeps closely and whispers, "Now I'm the boss of this town".

-MikeTheTranny

I try to think of all the million reasons why,

Why I should let you go and just say goodbye,

In my mind I know it's the right thing to do,

But my heart aches at the realization of losing you.

I feel so torn between what's right or what's wrong,

that I can't even bring myself to write a new song...

But if I kept you, that would be selfish, and that isn't me,

so...I'm letting you go, I'm just letting it be...

But...

Still...

I cant help it...

I just wonder...

Do you miss me like I miss you?...

Does your heart aches when you remember us too?..

MikeTheTranny

You know, I didn't believe in soulmates before I met you,

Isn't it strange that I now still believe in them after you left?

Fate is a twisted little thing and you're never quite sure what it'll do,

But one thing I know is that in the end of the day, it's all for the best.

You know, I didn't believe in love at first sight before I met you either,

I can't explain how and what else happened to me when you caught my eye,

Life has a way of turning things around when you least expect it..

And when I think about you and our short time it kinda leaves me in a constant sigh..

We could've been something amazing, and we were!

but it would have only grown...

I'll keep the memories with me for as long as I live,

for this is a love stronger than I've ever known..

You..

simply you..

I miss you..

and I'm convinced I'll always love you..

for you were..

Radiant..

Unexpected in the best way..

Treasure in my heart and..

Home, sweet home..

I wished we could do this together..

I still helplessly hope on a forever..

I understand that it cant be so..

but I still wished we could "Grow as we go"...

MikeTheTranny