5th Grade Me Knew It All Along
Gender and I don't have an
Easy relationship.
I don't know what it is.
I just knew what I was told:
Some people are boys,
Some people are girls.
End of story.
But was it really?
Since 5th grade,
The year of
Drama,
Puberty,
Crushes,
I knew
That I was a bit
"Odd".
I didn't fit in well
With the girls
Or the boys.
I dressed too feminine,
But I acted too masculine.
I looked like both,
And I felt like
Neither.
But I was a girl,
I was told that fact
My whole life.
That's who I am.
I can't change it.
I have to stay in the
Girl's line,
Girl's group,
Girl's bathroom.
"You look masculine."
A simple sentence, dared said
By one of my closest friends,
Why did that bring me
So
Much
Happiness?
Why did I ask,
With so much energy,
"Really?"
So,
What if I could change it?
What if I weren't a girl?
What if I were a boy?
Or what if I were
Nothing?
I baked and cleaned with my mom,
I helped my dad with house repairs,
I played cars and Barbies with my brother.
I had friends that were girls,
And we giggled and gossiped.
I had friends that were boys,
And we joked and teased.
I wore skirts in the spring,
Pants in the winter.
I sang songs in the choir,
I screamed on the playground.
Where do I fit in?
Nowhere?
Is that okay?
Is that what I want?
Is it really that simple,
To be neither,
Nowhere,
Nothing?
Can I be that,
Not one or the other,
Not the in-between,
But the nothingness?
Is there even a word for that?
Apparently there are multiple,
You take your pick;
It's not a "one size fits all,"
It's not two boxes anymore,
It's a whole world of identities
It's what fits you.
6th grade me learned one:
Non-binary,
Neither male nor female.
But I was a girl.
I was told that fact
My whole life.
That's who I am.
That's who I was.
Could I change it?
I did.
9th grade.
Non-binary.
But it didn't fit right.
That wasn't me
Yet.
So now, in 10th grade,
I found another word:
Agender,
A lack of gender.
Neutral.
Nothing.
Perfect.
Five years later,
And 10th grade me
Wants to go back
To 5th grade me
And tell them,
"You knew all along".