How fast my train of thought goes and comes back around while taunting me

Caution: Unedited.

The following parts are my disorganized thoughts and will have a possibility of the reader not being able to follow my train of thoughts. This is just another attempt of me dumping my emotionally disturbed mind.

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I've always thought,

'How did I normally live my life? Just like back then?'

'I was on autopilot', is what I would say to my friend.

Doing things as it is. Flowing where the current goes.

Without much emotional understanding, days passed just like a blink of an eye.

Reactions from those time came back to me, haunting me for the neglect.

It was a delayed reaction. The process of me understanding how the world revolves was delayed further.

I killed off the ability of mine to understand myself.

Belatedly realizing that what I mostly needed that time was affection and recognition.

I was starving.

After much deprivation,

I woke up from my self-inflicted autopiloting.

Heh.

Why did I woke up?

Like some dry leaves being carried away, I just landed there where the wind stopped.

I stopped

Not particularly aware of what I'm supposed to be doing.

Oh right!

I'm supposed to go to college after forcing— I mean barely graduating from senior high school.

Get a degree after 4 years.

Graduate then get a job.

And save money.

Sounds easy.

Really.

I just have to be like myself back then.

I just have to not think of anything.

Think later. Feel later.

I just have to endure four more years.

It'll also pass just like a blink of an eye.

Really.

Well it's not.

I was like a good marionette maneuvering a car accidentally stepping on the breaks.

The steering wheel then get stucked, and the good little marionette gave it up so easily.

Deciding to accelerate without holding it.

Everything else didn't matter anymore.

I was headed for a cliff.

It was a beautiful cliff actually, ignoring the fact that jumping off of it will leave the car damaged with no return, and I will probably die.

Still, it's beautiful.

Dangerously beautiful.

Ruminating the past decisions, I was reminded of the consequences several months after.

A brief dialogue with my mom in different days overlapped.

"I did everything I could. We did everything we could! None of it is my fault. It's not my fault!"

Mom reprimanded me in their bedroom.

I was standing near their door looking at her face infused of anger.

Blankly staring.

It's my fault then, isn't it?

Well in common sense, it is, I stopped studying, practically dropping out of college without even informing the school. It's basically my fault. Yes. It's my fault.

"Tell me what's happening with you?! Do you need a psychiatrist?"

Mom suddenly asked, we've been sitting on the dinner table for a while now.

And I was surprised, she opened that kind of topic first before I even suggested it. I was given a false hope.

"Really? Should... Should I?"

It was a mistake.

I shouldn't have opened my mouth like I've always been doing.

Mom suddenly laughed.

She laughed.

"Crazy, you're crazy", she commented on my remarks.

I was dumbstruck and the hole digging deep within me was dug deeper.

On another day in front of the dinner table,

I slowly opened my mouth, in a spur of the moment.

"I always feel like I'm so faraway with you guys"

Blankly staring at the floor with my monotonous voice, I couldn't stop myself from talking.

"I couldn't feel you"

Stop

"I felt a great distance between us"

Stop please

I'm sorry

"It has always been like that, ever since I'm young"

Stop talking

I shouldn't have said that

I'm sorry

"It's like that? So it's always been like that?

So you don't love me? You don't love us? Is that it?"

It's not like that mom....

"No ma, I... I love you...."

I shouldn't have opened my mouth.

I should've stopped talking.

On some warm mornings and peaceful days, it came back to me like winter, leaving me frozen. On a normal sunny day, It's common for me to feel cold.

On some cold and rainy days, I would be laying under the blanket cradling with warmth, coming to me in muddled voices and hazy dream.

On some days like this, particularly feeling empty...or numb, if I could describe it correctly.

It gave me a time to think and analyze it over and over again. Justifying every scenarios to be... a chance of growth.

On a particular days like this,

Are the chances for me to cry rationally.

Perhaps, despite my constant fear of change, deep inside I actually crave it.

And it made me reckless.

While still not having my life together.

I am still left to wonder further.

'Before all of this things turning into a whirlpool of mess, how did I normally live back then?'