Deeper than the cuts

"Are you okay? You look sick."

Maybe it would be easier if I had admitted I was struggling a long time ago, back when it all started. I'm in too deep now. They don't look at me now, they look up to me - so how can I let them down? How can I admit I'm a fraud. I painted over my scars with smiles and decorated my burns with glitter. Wait until they find out what they're looking at isn't me, it's who I want to be. I act confident because I want to be confident, but they don't know anything.

They don't know how I have to feel pain to stop myself from giving into the urge, the urge to let it all go. The urge to ruin all the progress I've made, to go back to the girl who's weight and grades were the only thing that mattered to her. I left to start on a clean slate, in a place where people would never find out about my obsession, my obsession with being perfect. The cuts distract, they stop me from stepping on the scale. They stop me from linking my self worth to numbers.

'No one can know', the bigger, smarter part of me whispers but a small part of me begs for help. I know better than to listen to it. I look at my food, shoveling it into my mouth, the words tumble into my head. It's an avalanche, I have to push it down, and wait for the guilt to kick in. My friends are jealous, jealous of my grades, jealous of my confidence, jealous of my smile, jealous of me. Wait until they find out, it's all a lie.

I love pretending I don't care, but a loud voice in my head is screaming at me every time I eat, counting my calories for me - making sure I destroy myself to burn them at the end of the day. My head hurts but my heart hurts worse. I'm wearing a costume that seems to have seeped into my skin at some point. So you tell me, how can I ask for help? How can I ask for help when that voice is a part of me and it's all I've ever know. The only thing that's stayed by my side my whole life is killing me. It's a part of me, deeper than the cuts, deeper than the flesh, it's in my bones. The only way I know is to pretend it's not there, so that's why I push all these thoughts down and reply.

"I'm fine."