It was a few years ago, a new school, a clean slate. I'd decided I was going to focus solely on my studies and nothing else. For a while people tried to interact with me, eventually they gave up. They moved back into their own groups and I was perfectly fine eating alone. I got my homework done at lunch and I studied after school. My hard work started to pay off and I started getting recognition for my grades. This wasn't the type of high school you find on TV, I wasn't called a nerd and I definitely didn't get bullied for having good grades. That's when he started talking to me to me. He was an average high schooler, I'm pretty sure he was part of the choir, but I didn't stick around long enough to clarify.

He started sitting next to me in class and asking to be partners with me for projects. Don't get me wrong, it was completely platonic. He was popular for all the right reasons, and neither of us even thought about relationships. He invited me to sit with his friends, and I slipped. I joined them, although I know I shouldn't have. I tried to catch myself, but no matter how hard I tried to keep myself in check I just kept slipping. For a moment, it felt amazing, exhilarating. It was the first friendship I had where I felt as if I didn't have to pretend.

That was until I heard it, until he said, 'I admire you.' He thought it was 'cool' that I had good grades. Don't get me wrong, I was glad. I mean, I had worked so hard, I deserved to be praised now and then, right? But I couldn't help it, the pressure took over. The pressure not to let him down.

Being friends with him was exciting, pure and sincere, but above all it was terrifying. Because I felt as if it could be taken away in moments, him admiration of me. Because when you take away my grades all I am is a girl with no dreams, a carefully constructed personality with a terrible humor and a coward.

I coward who wants to be loved but can't handle it. A coward who runs.

Everyone hears, but doesn't listen,

Everyone looks but can't see,

They're eyes touch the surface but don't go any deeper,

You don't just want to be comforted, you want to be understood.

When people see my art, I want them to feel listened to, seen, validated and more than anything, understood. I want them to feel a crashing down of emotions and discover things about themselves they didn't know. I want them to feel as broken as they are, because there's no going forward ignoring the past.

You were 'just kidding'? That's ridiculous, were you really telling a joke, or have you finally realized you are one. You know what's funny, you don't hesitate to crack jokes but the second I say something at your expense I'm the bad guy. You know what, you're not even a snake, at least snakes have brains - small brains - but bigger than yours. No, you're an ostrich. When you sense danger you stick your head in the ground, thinking we won't see you. You aren't even smart enough to cover your own ass. We know you have problems, but that's no excuse. You have a bad past, why are you trying to ruin everyone's present. Let me let you in on a secret. I. Pity. You. No one wants you in this group, you forced yourself in. We've told you your jokes aren't funny, we've told you we don't 'gel' with you. Why don't you gather some self respect and leave. You're hurting us and you're hurting yourself. Go find someone who'll take your shit. Oh, you're crying. Don't cry. I was just kidding.

The dark crashes down on me, suffocating me, I tumble uncontrollably. I'm dragged down by the tide, holding onto my breath with everything I've got. I can't see, my lungs are collapsing. There's nothing restricting me from breathing, but I can't open my mouth and I fail to draw any breaths. I feel as if I'm drowning, but it's not water keeping me down, it's the weight of the darkness pressing down on my chest. There's a glimmer in the dark, a glimmer of hope. It shines brightly, indescribable warmth surrounding it. My limbs tremble, too weak to support my body. I force myself to move, for my body to rip through the darkness. I reach out towards the light. I draw closer, my hand inches away from safety. Suddenly, a roaring laughter fills the room, breathy laughs come from above. The light vanishes just as fast as it came.

I look up, seeing nothing but darkness. Only then it occurs to me that my eyes aren't open. I claw at my eyes, trying to open them, my nails draw blood. Suddenly there's an explosion of light. A guttural cry erupts from my chest. I look up to see my own face, blood pouring out of the eye sockets. I realize - my eyeballs are in my hands. I watch tears and blood drip to the floor. My face a blur. The darkness swirls around me. The laughter turns into a child's giggle one I could recognize but I couldn't put my finger on. All of a sudden the air gets heavy, every breath doesn't fill my lungs. I'm suffocating. My fingers blindly reach up to my face. Scratching out every distinguishable feature, I'm nothing. I feel someone's breath on me. A slimy hand reaches across my shoulders, laughing as it watches me struggle. I try to turn around, to look at them, but I can't. Then a child's voice speaks to me.

"I can see you." All of a sudden, it starts crying. I want to comfort it, but I can't. It screams out, it finally comes into view. Marks start appearing on the child's skin, ripping across it and drawing blood. Matching my own. "Help me! Help me!" It howls in pain but I'm frozen. Blood splatters on me, I start crying when the child starts smiling. "You'll never escape." The darkness crashes down on me once again and I'm left in the darkness, a weight in my arms. I look down and see the child, bleeding out in my arms. I try to scream but the darkness silences it. Then... everything fades away all at once.

Since I was a child I've always hated the thought of love, I was quite skeptical that someone could spend their whole life with you without eventually getting annoyed. A few moments around people and I'd wish I could bite back all my words. They slipped out before I could stop them, then the comments would start, 'She never stops talking, does she?' and, 'This is why children are meant to be seen and not heard.' I kept a leash on my tongue and punish myself for every slip up. After all the criticism, my heart would melt at every compliment given to me. Their words would fill all the cracks in my glass heart. Middle school thought me that words, sweet as honey, could easily mean nothing.

My dad went on long business trips. He'd always come back with something new. Dolls, clothes, books, every time he came home he'd never come empty-handed. It wasn't the money that excited me, it was the fact he'd get different gifts for each of us. Personalized gifts. My best friend would write me letters, beautiful, decorated ones. It made me feel valued. Until she and I grew apart, I didn't mind much. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. She eventually made a new best friend, and wrote her the same words.

I never liked being touched, their hands would stick like slime and would terrify me with each touch. They never knew when to stop. I couldn't say no because apparently, family is family. No doesn't apply.

Roses wither eventually.

Words are riddles.

Touch glass with too much strength and it'll shatter.

But I'll be the happiest girl in the world if you'll watch the sunrise with me and the two of us can dance under the comfort of the stars.

I don't think I've ever liked school, but right now I hate it with a burning passion. Not because of the homework or exams, not even because of the rude teachers, but because it's putting the people I love in danger. Shots ring through the corridors, the screaming pierces my ears. I wave of students crash down on me, everyone scrambling to safety. I get thrown under. Why isn't she back yet? I curl myself in a ball, squeezing my eyes shut. I cry out as a foot lands on my arm, waiting out the tide. Familiar faces, people I once called friends, now don't give me a second look. They storm past me, the fear has disfigured their carefully-curated, kind personalities. Now, in all this mess, I can see people's real selves. The ugly truth. The waves turn into a stream on students. I get up off the ground. Suddenly there's an explosion and the school is left in darkness. I yelp, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness.

Where is she? I head towards the bathroom, the sound of shots being fired ring through the corridor. Against all my instincts, I keep walking. My body trembles with each step, my brain screams at me to turn around but I refuse to forget about her. I refuse to leave her here because if anything happens to her, it'll be all my fault.

"Amaya, what are you doing here?" I jump, spinning around to see Kaiden, my eyes widen at the state of his shirt. A sob leaves me involuntarily, it only becomes real when you see it with your own two eyes. I guess some part of me was hoping it was just a scare, just a few kids shooting school property with no intent to kill. It's funny how reality hits you, like a bullet to the head. "Don't worry." He lets out a strained chuckle. "I think it missed most of my major organs." I've never really talked to him, he's just my annoying lab partner who always manages to knock over something - yet he's the only person who's worried about me right now. "You know, usually you'd run away from the loud noises." He winces, holding his side. The blood seeps through his shirt. I should get him to safety, but I can't forget about Faye.

"I have to find Faye. Have you seen her?" I look at the corridor, empty. If Faye was here she'd be all optimistic, she'd probably say something like, 'at least it isn't filled with dead bodies,' that's why I need to get to her before they do. A person like her needs to survive. Kayden shakes his head. "You should probably go, I'll see you outside in a bit." I don't know if I'm reassuring him or myself, a little bit of both I think.

"What if she's already outside?" He suggests. "It's too dangerous. I always saw you as a mad scientist, but maybe you're just crazy." I know, maybe I am. I walk into the abandoned bathroom, leaving him behind me before he can stop me. It's taking all my willpower to keep myself from running away, I can't risk him talking me out of this. Apparently, when there's a shooting everyone forgets the social normalcies. He runs in after me, well more like stumbles. "Wait, at least take this." He hands me an object, I find it hard to pinpoint what it is in the dark. It feel the sharp end, it's a scalpel. "You were late for biology, I was waiting to dissect a frog." Despite the circumstances, I smile. Suddenly, screams break out just outside the bathroom.

"They're here." I whisper, my lip trembles, I can't think. Kayden seems to be in a better mental state than I am. He pulls me into a bathroom stall, we stand on top of the toilet seat. A shot hits the toilet stall next to us. My whole body shakes. He presses his hands to my ears, blocking out some of the noise. We both squeeze are eyes shut, awaiting the inevitable. Eventually, he slowly pulls away from me. "Are they gone?" He nods. We step down, I steel myself to go outside.

"It's not too late, we can turn back." He says weakly, he's moments away from unconsciousness. I take his hand and place the scalpel in it.

"Take it and run, don't look back. I'll find Faye and we'll both come get you." I promise him. He shakes his head, but he's in too much pain to answer. Maybe it's a spur of the moment decision or maybe I'm just overcome with emotions. Perhaps it's the fact that he's the only person who actually seems to care about me. Without a second thought, I cup his face with both my hands. Our lips crash together. A tear leaks into the mix, I pull away and wipe my eyes. He stares at me blankly. "See you later." I take off before I can stop myself. Then I hear it, footsteps behind me, I don't look back. I run, I take off in any direction I can. Bullets are fired, getting closer and closer to me. I scramble in the dark, taking the steps. Climbing to the rooftop. I open the door, only when I'm met with the night sky do I realize I've cornered myself. It's been hours since school was supposed to be over. The door opens, that's when I see her. Her blonde hair and blue eyes, relief eases my body. I start walking towards her. My arms outstretched, that is until I see it. A machine intended to kill, in the hands of my best friend, a gun. I falter. "Faye."

"What are you doing here?" She drops the gun. I look at it, she follows my eyes. "Oh one of them dropped it, I used it to survive." With that, I run towards her, I can't believe I doubted her. She doesn't even know how to aim. I hug her, throwing my arms around her waist. Looking over her shoulder, my heart sinks. Guns, all pointed at my head. I try to pull away, she only holds me tighter.

"Faye, we need to run!" I yelp, but her arms are squeezing the life out of me. That's when I feel it, hot tears on my shoulder. "Faye?" The realization hits me again.

"You should've ran, Amaya. You brought this on yourself." She sobs. "Don't worry, it'll all be over soon. It'll be over in a minute." All those movie nights, study sessions, midnight snacks, calls lasting for hours, sleepovers, they play in my head. How did I not notice it? Suddenly, the door swings open. Kayden. A cold sweat builds up on his brow, he looks moments away from passing out. Scalpel in hand, he holds it out as a threat. Guns versus scalpel, did he really think this out? Well, who am I to judge. The sky starts to cry, even it pities us.

"Run! Leave, Kayden!" I yell, choking on my sobs. "She's with them! Just go!" I try to calm myself down, think rationally. All of a sudden, he shakes his head, his eyes boring into mine.

"You don't get to do that. Kiss me and then run away." He throws it, right at Faye. My body takes over, I spin around. It lands on me, piercing my skin. I still want to protect her, I still want to protect the girl who taught me how to pick a lock and climb a fence. The girl who cried whenever she felt under pressure. Shots are fired, but not at me.

"Kayden!" I cry. Faye's arms weaken, I throw her away from me. I run towards Kayden. "We'll get help! I promise! I'm so sorry!" The cries come from somewhere deep inside me. He stares up at me, tears in his eyes, he slowly tilts my head towards him. He pulls my face towards him. This time, salty tears from both of us leak into the mix. He pulls away.

"This isn't your fault." He reaches behind me, he yanks the scalpel out, I cry out in pain. He places it in my hand, the sight of my own blood doesn't disgust me as it would've an hour ago. "Fight." Before I can respond, he closes his eyes for the last time. With weak legs and a blurred vision, I stand up to face Faye. She stands on the edge of the building. No, she can't just leave. Not after everything she's done. I run towards her, but I'm too late, she throws herself down. I reach out into the darkness, my hand finding hers, instead of taking it, she pulls me down with her. Death approaches us, as we tear through the darkness. She closes her eyes, I can't hate her. I know she has to be somewhere in there, the Faye that has been with me all these years. That's why, in these last few minutes, I pull her close.

"I forgive you." And with that I stab the scalpel into her flesh, she cries out. My blood mixes with hers. "I forgive you and I love you but I hope you don't die peacefully. Not after what you've done. I care about you too much to let you pity yourself. Die in pain, die for all those who killed you. Die knowing you ruined lives. Die knowing you hurt everyone. Die knowing I love you. I hope that last one causes you the most pain."

I want to run away,

I want to hide,

I want to sleep all through the day,

Not forever, just until these feelings subside,

I need to scream,

I need to cry,

I need to gain some control in this scheme,

Not trapped in the darkness, not confused no matter how hard I try,

Take me in the direction the wind is blowing,

Take me to where the sky meets the ocean,

Take me to where the river stops flowing,

Keep me away from all this commotion,

I feel like the world is too big,

I feel like I'm too small,

I feel the pressure snapping me like a twig,

Help me feel nothing at all,

More hidden, less lost,

More hidden, in your embrace,

More hidden, at any cost,

What I would give to see your face,

But you're out of reach, in another dimension,

But you're far away, your name etched in stone,

But you're six feet under and I'm looking for redemption,

Because now I know how it feels to be so lost an alone,

When I'm lost run out into the meadows where you and I used to play,

When I'm lost I pretend you're not gone, we're playing hide and seek,

When I'm lost I sit at your gravestone, whishing you could light the way,

Less lost, more hidden, that's how I feel when I'm with you.

More hidden, less lost, now I'll join the ghost of you.

I'm a survivor. I'm lucky I'm here today because if things had gone to plan, I would've been dead years ago - but I'm not. Sometimes I wish I had done it, ended it all, but I ignore that feeling. That's all it is, a feeling. A feeling which will go away in some time, right? The scars have started to fade, blend in, but never leave. It will always be a part of me.

I walk through the corridors, my head in the clouds, my heart at rock bottom. That's when I notice her, in a bubble similar to mine. She's surrounded by people yet she stands out to me, because she's reminds me of myself. Long-sleeves, hiding herself as best she can, bright smile, loud laugh. It's so obvious that it's fake, why can no one see that it's fake? Her footsteps seem hollow, as the seconds tick by so does the time-bomb attached to her. Counting down the days until she snaps.

Our eyes meet, a fleeting moment, an understanding between us. Today I know my mission, no matter what, I have to pull her back. Pull her back from her safe place, away from reality. It's dangerous, addicting, you'll want more and more of it, less and less of the world. It pull you in and your strength alone isn't enough to get you out. Maybe I'm still far away from escape but I will make sure she never has to ever again. When I look at the mirror, I pull away, cover my eyes, the masterpiece on my skin overwhelms me, but when I look through the mirror I see her. When I look through the mirror I see hope.

She stands surrounded by the weeds,

When we were planted I didn't know they grew amongst our seeds,

Two flowers lost and apart,

One left alone with a broken heart,

They stand between me and the light,

They tease me for still having hope but I won't give her up without a fight,

She is so close I could pull her hand in mine,

But if I did I'd have to pretend to be fine,

Fine with always being the first to reach out,

Fine with trying to believe she'll always be there and shaking off this plaguing doubt,

Why did she let them make us a thing of the past?

I would trade anything to go back and make it last,

I would give up my colors and petals to stay by her side,

I would become a weed, and my loyalty would be forced to hide,

She didn't like how clingy I seemed,

She wanted to blossom but becoming someone to her was all I dreamed,

As spring arrived she blossomed beautifully, a burst of colors,

I was still in my bud, blooming later than others,

The weeds came between us before she could see how much I've changed,

Will she like me more now that my petals have been rearranged?

They are killing her slowly, why can't she see?

I would treat her so much better if she was with me,

My old friend is with me but not,

We are on opposite ends of the same pot,

I wish I was worthy of being her friend,

But even if I were her I wouldn't try to make our friendship mend,

I don't mind her new fame,

I just hope she remembers that when she needed me, I came,

Even now she shines brighter than all the stars,

I want to shine with her even though I know she wouldn't save me if I was behind bars,

So I'll stand watching her grow,

Just seeing her smile will bring me back from feeling low,

I'm only a spectator, not forgotten nor remembered,

In her mind our past lies dismembered,

As long as I can watch, I'm okay,

As long as I know she isn't in dismay.

You knew you had me in your grasp. You knew I was right in the palm of your hand, you had me right where you wanted me. You tore a hole in me but I was too delighted by your touch to push you away. You were always hurting me but my brain was the only one that recognized it.

Pick me up, take me away, throw me back on the streets just as long as you come back when you need me. Pathetic, that's what it is. Me needing you and you loving it. I'd never admit it, not to myself or you, that if you had my blood on your hands I'd wash them for you. Ignorance is bliss, ignorance is safety. When you hold me in your arms and I feel the cold metal slicing my back I will only hold you and cry. I don't love the pain, I don't love the fights and long nights. I love you. I love the look it you eyes when you get excited, how you can't stop talking when you're embarrassed, I love every part of you that you try to cover up.

But I hate that I love you. If I love you, then how am I supposed to love myself? Being with you is killing me, my only request is that you do it slowly. My only wish is that I can drown in your eyes one last time before closing mine forever.

I hate you! I hate you so much, but I love you double that. I have o one but myself to blame for it.