Philophobia

It was a few years ago, a new school, a clean slate. I'd decided I was going to focus solely on my studies and nothing else. For a while people tried to interact with me, eventually they gave up. They moved back into their own groups and I was perfectly fine eating alone. I got my homework done at lunch and I studied after school. My hard work started to pay off and I started getting recognition for my grades. This wasn't the type of high school you find on TV, I wasn't called a nerd and I definitely didn't get bullied for having good grades. That's when he started talking to me to me. He was an average high schooler, I'm pretty sure he was part of the choir, but I didn't stick around long enough to clarify.

He started sitting next to me in class and asking to be partners with me for projects. Don't get me wrong, it was completely platonic. He was popular for all the right reasons, and neither of us even thought about relationships. He invited me to sit with his friends, and I slipped. I joined them, although I know I shouldn't have. I tried to catch myself, but no matter how hard I tried to keep myself in check I just kept slipping. For a moment, it felt amazing, exhilarating. It was the first friendship I had where I felt as if I didn't have to pretend.

That was until I heard it, until he said, 'I admire you.' He thought it was 'cool' that I had good grades. Don't get me wrong, I was glad. I mean, I had worked so hard, I deserved to be praised now and then, right? But I couldn't help it, the pressure took over. The pressure not to let him down.

Being friends with him was exciting, pure and sincere, but above all it was terrifying. Because I felt as if it could be taken away in moments, him admiration of me. Because when you take away my grades all I am is a girl with no dreams, a carefully constructed personality with a terrible humor and a coward.

I coward who wants to be loved but can't handle it. A coward who runs.