Sunrise

In the darkest of my days, I stay awake all through the night.

I stay awake.

It isn't right.

I swear I'm drowning.

Downing pills & wine.

I'm fine, I tell you. 

I am always fine.

It's not the time to share my thoughts & fears.

They've stayed alive for many years & tears are streaming down my face.

I'm going mad.

I hate this place.

My space is not my own.

My space is not my home.

I hide away from selfish eyes, from ignorance, & filthy lies.

Down deep inside my spirit dies.

It flies away to clearer skies.

Prioritize then memorize the scars that spell out what I need.

The monster in my mind will surely feed upon this hollow shell.

I knew me well, but now I cannot tell if all the sounds I speak will make me weak.

My bones, they creak & leak the secrets I have tried to keep.

I'm slowing down & as I'm coming to a halt, I realize that it is my fault.

Never in a thousand moons would I have guessed this is a test to see how strong I am.

A test to measure if I truly can survive the darkest of my nights.

I stay awake.

It isn't right.

I know I'm slipping.

Downing booze & tripping.

Drowning.

Downing pills & wine.

Still fine, I tell you, fine. 

There is no line to cross.

There is no cure for loss.

So here I am still dying, multiplying dirty deeds & trying not to slip away.

I am ok, I whisper & someday I know that I will be ok.

That day is far away, until that time I promise, I'll be fine.