This is the calm

This is the peace

This is reality for the deceased

Open your eyes

This world is serene

Your mind is at ease & your body is clean

No one to push you

Someone to love

Nothing below

Nothing above

This is the calm

This is the dream

This is your future & all in between

This is the calm

This is the storm

Winter is coming, but I'll keep you warm

Everything is slowing down

Grinding to a halt

It is all becoming clear

No one is at fault

I don't want to die like this

Razorblades & weed

I don't want to die like this

Laughing as I bleed

This life is just a waiting game

I've been forced to play

No one has been keeping score

The night becomes the day

I don't want to live like this

Always up & down

I don't want to live like this

Without a middle ground

I try not to let it get to me

I'm failing as we speak

My motivation's minimal

My memory is weak

I don't want to die like this

A manic movie star

I don't want to die like this

You know who you are

Time just keeps on ticking by

Every second's such a waste

I swallow every single word

Such an awful taste

I don't want to live like this

Cigarettes & sex

I don't want to live like this

Pills have side effects

Options seem to run away

Suggestions merely mask

Finding what I really need

An unrelenting task

I don't want to die like this

Hands around my throat

I don't want to die like this

My reason in a note

I don't want to die like this

Lost among the rest

I don't want to die like this

With a hollow chest

I don't want to live like this

This broken down machine

I don't want to live like this

My suicidal dream

I'll fuck you from behind, so you cannot see my intention

Lead you with a lie, so you will not smell my deception

I can push your buttons

I can sing the perfect song

You will fall in love with me

You will hurt so long

I'll whip you with my words, I have a taste for conversation

Sipping on your blood, I suck with slow anticipation

I can cut the perfect slice

I can buy your heart

You will fall in love with me

You will fall apart

I will find the trigger in you; pull it with a smile

Your mind will stay with me while your body is exiled

I can find the perfect ring

I can kiss your soul

You will fall in love with me

You will lose control

Every single promise made, I am prepared to break

For all intents & purposes, my reason is opaque

I can hold your hand

I'll add bitter to the sweet

You will fall in love with me

And I won't miss a beat

You can slit my wrists

You can fuck me like a dog

I cannot resist

I'm calling out to God

Beat me with your belt

You know I love the pain

Everything you've felt

You know that we're the same

I can dye my hair

And I can change the way I talk

This life, it isn't fair

There's anger in my walk

I'm addicted to destruction

I'm obsessed with being yours

I'll make a big production

I'll open all my doors

You can slap my ass

You can rape me in my sleep

I'm two letters short of "class"

And my price is very steep

Prepared for desecration

A ritual of guilt

This tasty fornication

My flower starts to wilt

You can kiss to suffocate

You can pierce me with your blade

You're continuing to penetrate

I'm the monster you have made

Don't forget to bite me

I'm yours to do as you well please 

You'll hold off just to spite me

And then I'll beg you, on my knees

I can dress in layers

I can fool you with a lie

This life, it isn't fair

You are born & then you die

I'm addicted to self-medicating

I'm obsessed with playing dumb

And in turn, with all this copulating

I'm merely left with feeling numb

Bloody, bruised, & broken

I'm half of who I was

Another female token

Another lost cause

Tear me open with your bare hands

Chew me up & spit me out

Suck me down into your quicksand

Fuck my mind with selfish doubt

Beat me with your belt

You know I love the pain

Everything you've felt

You know that we're the same

Today I killed myself

Over you- over something else

Dust is forming on your shelves

Twisted ties & tangled belts

What's bad for me is good for you

Your words don't match the things you do

The moon is full, now that's my cue

The sky reflects a cobalt blue

You've taken me for granted

Now my love for you is slanted

All emotions running rampant

And the seeds of doubt are planted

Crying late at night again

Apologies for what has been

Who am I becoming, friend

I think I can, I think I can

Maybe I'm just lazy

Maybe I'm just fucking crazy

Maybe I should down a pill to cure my need to kill

Maybe this is just a bad day

Maybe all this pain will go away

Maybe headaches are just God's way- of revenge

Served with wine & regret frays- at both ends

As tragic as a gunshot

Guillotines & magazines

And as deadly as a blood clot

Money spent on war machines

We're the flavor of the second

It forever will go on

Those that were adored at midnight

will be criticized by dawn

Piece by piece we will decrease

Piece by piece we soon decease

In the darkest of my days, I stay awake all through the night.

I stay awake.

It isn't right.

I swear I'm drowning.

Downing pills & wine.

I'm fine, I tell you. 

I am always fine.

It's not the time to share my thoughts & fears.

They've stayed alive for many years & tears are streaming down my face.

I'm going mad.

I hate this place.

My space is not my own.

My space is not my home.

I hide away from selfish eyes, from ignorance, & filthy lies.

Down deep inside my spirit dies.

It flies away to clearer skies.

Prioritize then memorize the scars that spell out what I need.

The monster in my mind will surely feed upon this hollow shell.

I knew me well, but now I cannot tell if all the sounds I speak will make me weak.

My bones, they creak & leak the secrets I have tried to keep.

I'm slowing down & as I'm coming to a halt, I realize that it is my fault.

Never in a thousand moons would I have guessed this is a test to see how strong I am.

A test to measure if I truly can survive the darkest of my nights.

I stay awake.

It isn't right.

I know I'm slipping.

Downing booze & tripping.

Drowning.

Downing pills & wine.

Still fine, I tell you, fine. 

There is no line to cross.

There is no cure for loss.

So here I am still dying, multiplying dirty deeds & trying not to slip away.

I am ok, I whisper & someday I know that I will be ok.

That day is far away, until that time I promise, I'll be fine.

Tonight I walked.

I walked for hours over cold stones.

My feet shuffled from fatigue.

I’m tired.

I’m tired over you.

You invade my thoughts, my dreams, my bed.

I can still taste you.

I need to taste you again.

Bitter.

Sweet.

Never again will you allow it.

Your sober mouth sings lies.

These lies suffocate us.

Trapped in an oxygen cage.

The air knows.

It knows our secrets, our truths, our desires.

I desire you.

All of you.

I want you inside me again.

You dipped your fingers ever so slowly, pushing your way deeper.

Reaching, you touched my soul.

Remnants still remain underneath your fingernails.

I seeped into your skin.

I now linger in your pores.

But you ignore it.

Easy as pie and what a delicious dessert you serve.

Creamy.

Warm.

You melt in my mouth and I swallow, choking on your poison.

Infected, your sex is my disease.

I yearn for a cure, but there is none.

My fingertips are wet.

My breath heavy.

My heart aches.

I moan naked in the dark for you.

I wait for your return, but you never come.

You came once, do you remember?

The feeling of you jerk and tremble as you reached for my hand, it haunts me.

Holding it tight, you relaxed.

​Your smell in my sinuses soothed me so and I fell.

I’m still falling, so I walk.

I walk to rid myself of feeling.

I walk to ease the pain.

I walk, yet I am I tired.

I’m tired over you.

I’m tired over love.

I’m tired and I’m sick.

Still, I never walk away.

You don't have to be afraid anymore,

I've made the arrangements.

You choose to leave your heart on the floor,

due to prior engagements. 

There's a fallacy I do believe,

but it's a product of my mind.

Though it's true that I would wither without you,

you're asking me to stay behind.

You don't have to run away every night,

I sold my soul & bought the land.

I'm empathetic to the grandeur of your plight,

as you retract an open hand.

Little moments that I'll never quite forget,

are all a mixture in my heart.

Though it's true that I'd go crazy without you,

there's no hesitation on your part- to depart.

Maybe love is just a bloodsport kind of game,

& I'm on the losing team.

Years from now you'll understand you're all the same,

never able to redeem- or come clean. 

But maybe I'm just bitter- better off alone.

You cast your shadow on my light.

Our time has passed & you no longer can atone

for your monsters in my night.

You're not to blame, yes, this I know is true,

but my anger needs a host.

How quickly loving turns to loathing what you knew,

& you're the one I loathe the most.

I must fall, so I can rise

The only way to reach my endgame is through my own demise

I must choke, so I can breathe

I must stay here at the moment, so I can leave

I have to be strong & put up a fight

I have to do wrong before I can do right

I'm making mistakes & tumbling fast

I'm losing my grip while searching the past

I'm foiling the game & taking steps back

One day I'll make up for all that I lack

I'll disappoint you & I'll cause you pain

Everything I do is always in vain

You'll never know it by the look on my face

But I'm slowly fading

I'm falling from grace

I must lie, so the truth is revealed

I must cut myself wide open, so I can watch my scars be healed

I must get drunk, so I can be clean

I must stay in the shadows before I can be seen

I have to survive & keep breathing

I have to let go instead of seething

I'm fucking up fast & losing my mind

I'm trying to keep up with the Devil behind

I'm cheating & lying & taking steps back

One day I'll make up for all that I lack

I'll disappoint you & I'll cause you pain

Everything I do is always in vain

You'll never know it by the look on my face

But I'm slowly fading

I'm falling from grace

Only I can save me