Hold it in like medicine...

'Hold it in like medicine... The world doesn't want to see or hear your struggles, everyone has there own thing to worry about. You don't want to be a bother. Bottle it up, keep it inside, act normal, no one can know.'

The voice went round and round, repeating itself over and over. It had no name, no identity, though it felt like the one part of me I could trust, had to trust.

"Aunty Kayla?" i looked down. Brett, my five year old nephew asked.

"Yes honey?" I replied, I blinked eyes focused on the ceiling, tears sliding back. I thanked my lucky stars that my mascara hadn't smudged.

"Theres rainbow cake!" Brett grinned. "I went with mumat te my to the bakery and picked it myself." He paused, his train of thought broken. "Um- oh! And do you want some." He beemed, having just remembered what he had come to say.

"Yeah, I'll be sure to have some in a bit." My smile not even close to true. "Especially if you picked it."

"Ok!" Brett tottered off, the tips of his fingers caked with icing.

I glanced round, ready to leave. I didn't want to stay round people eating any longer. If I saw everyone munching on cake, well I might just be tempted to-

'Don't even entertain the idea.' I almost groaned aloud. I slipped further into my quiet corner. Children played party games in the very centre of the room, newspaper from the pass the parcel lay in clumps surrounding them. Streamers hung from the ceiling all variety of colours. A Disney soundtrack poured out of my brother in laws cheap speakers. perched precariously on a stack of draws.

I was ready to leave. I quietly walked past guests, all with paper plates, laughing joyously.

'You don't need them.'

I unlocked my car, climbing in to the drivers seat. Hands on the steering wheel, keys in the ignition, foot lightly tapping the gas- I couldn't drive. Fat tears ran down my cheeks, it was all to much. My vision blurred, as my sobs grew louder. I couldn't breath... I heard a knock on my car door. I took a big sniff, though I could do nothing for the flow from my eyes. I unlocked the car door.

"Hello Aunty, I brought you cake." Brett smiled, a piece of cake laid neatly on a napkin. I sniffed again. Shoving the cake into my trembling hands, Brett expertly climbed on to my lap, hands resting on the steering wheel. He grinned at me, icing now stuck to my steering and dashboard.

Slowly, I nibbled at the cake. Brett followed suit, wiping a big glob of icing off the top into his open mouth. I laughed. He laughed to, continuing to eat icing, slowly we worked through the cake. My shoulders shook and there we sat laughing,

I sighed, ready to take Brett back to the party. Fully aware of my mascara stained cheeks.

"Aunty." Brett said. I looked at him. "That was food cake." I smiled. I knew what I was going through couldn't be held in anymore. And I knew I'd need more help than cake in car, with my adorable nephew, but it was a start at least.