The deep blue sea

I seem to go through this more often than I would like to admit

My body betraying my mind and heart, making me look like a hypocrite

I love the sea like no words could give justice to the elation that boils within me

The way my body breathes its water and turns it to oxygen like it’s meant to be

I remember the days when the waves would feel like ginormous clouds drifting me to the heavens

Cradling my soul into a state of absolute surrender. A total soul cleanse

Then one day, this love turned to something my heart knew not of

An absolute dread coursed through my veins replacing the once so called love

I do not understand how can love and passion morph into morbid terror

A fear so engrained in the depth of my soul, there must be an error

It all started on the day where I was supposed to celebrate my coming to be

The first time ever I thought I wanted to venture into the sea

Let me add that I do not know how to swim let alone survive in the depth of the sea

Like a buffoon I jumped at the first intrusive thought that should have been a red flag

Straddled a device in the midst of a windy cold nature attack

Yeah, stupid I was, I know that much and more believe me

As I was advancing to the deep, deep part of the turbulent sea

I looked below, and god I wish, I just wish that day didn’t come to be

The once clear blue turquoise suddenly took on a shade of black that hooked my soul

For a while I froze as if entranced by an entity that promised to eat me whole

You see, when faced with death you know for sure there is no escape

And mine looked me in the eyes revealing to me its true shape

I can’t remember how I got back to shore that day

I swore an oath of tears and blood to never again go that way

Like a newborn foal I dragged my shaky feet back to my room

Wept like an archeologist who just found Nefertiti’s lost tomb

I lied to myself though, like I always do

You see, to run from the things that I love, I don’t know how to

I might not venture into the deep like a pirate looking for his treasure

But the shallows call for me reminding me of the once felt pleasure

As the water slowly started to submerge this cowardly body of mine

My lungs forgot how to breathe reminding me how easy it is to fate to resign

But you see I am no stranger to crippling fear

I might be a coward sometimes but let me make this clear

I refuse to let go of the things that make me feel alive

I’ll cry and swear and nag but head first, in I’ll dive

And I did, and somehow my body remembered what living was like

When peace was injected to my skin; like a lightening strike

I might never look beyond the shallow blue

But I’d rather nurture the love that I have and not over it screw