Post | BlueOtter

"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage." —Brené Brown @MisterEnigma and I are soulmates. Period. Throughout our relationship, people have asked us how we met and have asked us for advice on a myriad of things. This quote from our guru perfectly sums up how we not only fell in love, but how we’ve managed to never even scream at each other (not once) in the years we’ve known each other. We’ve had disagreements and disappointments, sure. But we NEVER yell at each other, we ALWAYS rush to say sorry to each other, and we reunite so passionately because we are missing the better half of our souls when we are apart. When we met, we both had the courage to be ALL IN for this new person we felt powerlessly pulled to (and we are still ALL IN today). We opened up to each other in old school letter writing (not texting or chatting on an app). We disclosed our deepest shame to one another, not knowing if the other would run for the hills or not. We’re not talking about your everyday bullshit either. If any of you knew our pasts, 100% of you would be disgusted by us. The only reason we are anonymous on this public platform is for our safety—but we are NOT ashamed. Fuck shame. All shame does is cripple you. People will shame you for things they themselves do/have also. It’s unbearably fucking cruel. Mister and I took that leap of faith and now we have the most beautiful love I have ever personally witnessed. I’m biased, I know—but as someone who loves love… it’s pretty fucking magical. And to think, ALL it took was that one second of courage to just say, “Fuck it—this is who I am, I’m just human, and all I can do is try to be better tomorrow.” So, my fellow Prosers, I ask you: WHAT IS YOUR SHAME? Please write creatively/fictionally if it’s something that can implicate you criminally/legally (protect yourself, ALWAYS). But I want to be at least ONE person who can take your shame and say, “I hear you, I see you… and my arms are still wide open for you, friend.” If you need something to jumpstart your courage, I will soon post my own piece about something NO ONE wants to talk about. I will throw myself to the wolves for you, for myself… for a hope of a better future in which we can JUST be fkn kind to each other. We ALL just want to be accepted and loved—and I am here to do exactly that for you. So, let’s be courageous together, and… Dump your SHAME ON ME! [Any style, any length, and community engagement will be taken into consideration for my decision.]

BlueOtter

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Shame. I used to recoil from ever uttering the word. I didn't want to read about it, let alone talk about it. I mean... What am I ashamed of? Me? Pft, nothing.

I would go to such extremes to seem not ashamed.

But in the end you have to confront the truth. And stop stalling. Which I should do, right about... Now. I'm still avoiding it lol and need to just get to the point already.

I am ashamed of myself. There. I said it. I'm ashamed of my identity. How I love the wrong kind of people, people who walk all over me, and smile and laugh and welcome them. "Come, join me in my self-flagellation! Let's rewrite my identity! Oh, you don't like this part of me? Let me remove it for you. There you go, all yours, packed and ready to go!"

I am ashamed of sanding myself, to appear smooth and non-embarassing. "Sadness? No, I am never sad. You don't have to worry about me. Anxiety? Nope, I am just hungry and dizzy and that makes me shake. No need to give my emotional burden to you, do I?"

I am ashamed of having those emotions. Fear, anxiety, so much fear. And for what? Being unlovable? Ending up alone? Honey, you already are! In your mind you are so alone. So unlovable. You don't even love yourself! Isn't it why you carve out those emotions on your body? To prove to yourself you are human, that you feel pain, you feel something.

You are human. Human's are social animals. Human's deserve love and friendship and support. Do you deserve love and friendship and support? Stop flinching and fucking look in the mirror. Do you see a lovable human being or do you see someone who has to be perfect and useful and good just to be tolerated, and maybe fed scraps of attention to?

I am ashamed of not speaking up. You know what I'm talking about. For enduring it, staying silent and even accepting it.

Now you are broken, no good, nonfeeling, shaking-tremoring at the slightest provokation, stupid mess. And I am ashamed of you. Look what you did to yourself once I handed over the reigns to you.

I'm ashamed of having those scars that I inflicted. But I don't get to be ashamed of something that I did to myself. So I'm ashamed of ever being discovered for it, having to justify and placate.

I am ashamed that I cry for even a speck of kindness shown, a little ray of humanity, a piece of love and a bite of attention given . Which obviously makes people recoil immediately, because who does that?

I'm ashamed of so much more. I am ashamed that I am ashamed. And that I don't say that I am ashamed when I feel ashamed.