Shame. I used to recoil from ever uttering the word. I didn't want to read about it, let alone talk about it. I mean... What am I ashamed of? Me? Pft, nothing.

I would go to such extremes to seem not ashamed.

But in the end you have to confront the truth. And stop stalling. Which I should do, right about... Now. I'm still avoiding it lol and need to just get to the point already.

I am ashamed of myself. There. I said it. I'm ashamed of my identity. How I love the wrong kind of people, people who walk all over me, and smile and laugh and welcome them. "Come, join me in my self-flagellation! Let's rewrite my identity! Oh, you don't like this part of me? Let me remove it for you. There you go, all yours, packed and ready to go!"

I am ashamed of sanding myself, to appear smooth and non-embarassing. "Sadness? No, I am never sad. You don't have to worry about me. Anxiety? Nope, I am just hungry and dizzy and that makes me shake. No need to give my emotional burden to you, do I?"

I am ashamed of having those emotions. Fear, anxiety, so much fear. And for what? Being unlovable? Ending up alone? Honey, you already are! In your mind you are so alone. So unlovable. You don't even love yourself! Isn't it why you carve out those emotions on your body? To prove to yourself you are human, that you feel pain, you feel something.

I am ashamed of having those emotions. Fear, anxiety, so much fear. And for what? Being unlovable? Ending up alone? Honey, you already are! In your mind you are so alone. So unlovable. You don't even love yourself! Isn't it why you carve out those emotions on your body? To prove to yourself you are human, that you feel pain, you feel something.

You are human. Human's are social animals. Human's deserve love and friendship and support. Do you deserve love and friendship and support? Stop flinching and fucking look in the mirror. Do you see a lovable human being or do you see someone who has to be perfect and useful and good just to be tolerated, and maybe fed scraps of attention to?

I am ashamed of not speaking up. You know what I'm talking about. For enduring it, staying silent and even accepting it.

Now you are broken, no good, nonfeeling, shaking-tremoring at the slightest provokation, stupid mess. And I am ashamed of you. Look what you did to yourself once I handed over the reigns to you.

I'm ashamed of having those scars that I inflicted. But I don't get to be ashamed of something that I did to myself. So I'm ashamed of ever being discovered for it, having to justify and placate.

I am ashamed that I cry for even a speck of kindness shown, a little ray of humanity, a piece of love and a bite of attention given . Which obviously makes people recoil immediately, because who does that?

I'm ashamed of so much more. I am ashamed that I am ashamed. And that I don't say that I am ashamed when I feel ashamed.

In a room I sit,

Given a phone with power to connect,

But instead of talking,

I'd rather push myself to neglect.

A pen, a blank page to fill,

I want to make a statement so bold,

Yet the fear of it being too much,

Leaves the statement untold

A piece of clay, untouched on the sheet,

A chance to let myself out and mesmerise

But instead of sculpting,

I look around for critical eyes

Topics I care about,

A chance to share my voice,

But my quest to find all the judgmental eyes

Leave me silent without a choice.

In my personal hell,

The fear of failure holds me back,

And I'm left with nothing to tell,

Except for the courage that I lack.

In this space of my own design,

I'm both the prisoner and the guard,

Held captive by my own mind,

Forever trapped and forever barred.

these 14 years I created a bubble for me. A bubble of false security, comfort. And I made myself to believe that I was happy in that bubble.

But then, I understood that if I had to achieve something, I had to be out of the bubble and I was losing friends with my attitude.

I tried coming out of it, but it was hard. I was kinda stuck in between. I was out of the bubble, but caught infection by the new environment.

I started feeling uncool and unpopular. When I was in my bubble, my comfort zone, I didn't care if I was cool or popular or a nerd. But when I was stuck in between,trying to come out of the bubble, I realized that what I was trying, was getting noticed. I was self-conscious and tried pleasing people.

The life has gone bad. I feel like I did bad by not staying where I was.

Are these the obstacles in my path or this is the way life is outside, is this what people call the world?

I don't want to get stuck in between and it feels uncool now to go back in my comfort zone. 

Hey, how are you?

Me? Yeah, I'm fine...

"I am confused.

Everything is going bad.

No one believes me.

I wanna commit suicide.

My self esteem is low.

I feel like crying.

My dog left this world recently.

We lost the match.

My grades are terrible.

I don't know what to do with this life."

But yeah, I am fine.....