Shattered

Piece by piece

Feeling completely bare with emotions labeled on her forehead for the world to see

The energy to try to shield and armor up is non existent..

Vulnerability feels so naked.

There’s hope. As in hold on pain ends.

There’s faith. As in believing in the higher power that there is more. More to this life than what she can see…. It’s a mustard seed.

And there’s optimism. As in there has to be beauty in the brokenness….

But the will to find it seems like a long stretch to a 10k race on mountains…

It also feels like guilty ness. Feeling guilty for feeling negatively. As if what I feel is insignificant, that I have too much to be grateful for. Almost a dramatic feeling. Making it seem far less than what my body is telling me. Dismissing.

It’s not just one thing. It’s the boxes piled on top that keep growing like wildfire

As soon as one thing feels like healing, the next feels like it’s crashing. A few successes and a-lot of failures. 10 steps forward and about 5 miles backwards...

Consider it as a backwards slingshot. A rubber band in front of the ball.. One wanting to break through freely, but the band resisting it so hard - it won’t move forward. The thought of it popping in half is terrifying… feeling broken.

Or slung far away from the direction it wanted to go..

But the thought of being free from the resistance can be a million and one reasons to let go..

It’s honestly feeling quite stuck, like it’s meant to be this way. Waiting on God to make the next move in chess with the pieces of life.

So I ask, where does one find beauty in the brokenness?

How can One see the possibilities of a tiny bit of true happiness, contentment, peaceful serenity beautiful little moments - that won’t be taken away in a glimpse of bullet...

How can ones dream become a reality when reality is a speck of dust.

How can one find the positives, when it’s getting knocked down by debris and leaves it empty..

It feels too far out of reach..

Like the Mountain sunrise/sunset tent camper reels on instagram that looks too good and too beautiful to be true.