The curse of the Ifs

I once asked myself would things have been different have I not been born

Would my parents live different lives. Would it all have the same way gone

Would my mom grow to be the woman she has become after years of struggles

Would my father still live to this day and create even more troubles

Lots of ifs have gone through my mind throughout the years

Thoughts of tales and illusions brought about with my bitter tears

Unable to share out loud the concerns that plagued my soul

Sinking deeper each day inside my man-made hole

I noticed a pattern within myself when the ifs haunted my being

I would run from the truth and rather keep on fleeing

I tend to get overwhelmed quite easily when my limit is trespassed

Unable to establish limits for myself or even give up on the past

I'd sink deep in the blackness I helped to create

With my hands sealing away my miserable fate

Allowing my demons to take the rein and lose control

Denying every goodness and worthiness within me like an unwanted mole

Though I've noticed the pattern, it's hard to let go of my shame

I call it such for it only pushes me to myself blame

Never once have I been merciful with the girl that dwelled within

Never granted her the benefit of the doubt , tearing away at her skin

They say fear not the enemy that you see with your eyes

Your real foe lies deep within you feeding you endless lies