Battling my Demons in Sneakers

Steeling a quick glance down, I can tell that my multi-colored sneakers have started to pound the pavement in time with the hard rock song blasting in my ear buds. The familiar burn starts to spread throughout my body as I breathe in a lungful of air, beginning around my rib cage and spreading throughout my body as if there is fire in my veins instead of my muscles. My body is drenched from running in the Texas heat, black yoga pants hug me like a second skin and my annoyingly cheery t-shirt advertising Texas beaches won’t stop clinging to my sides. I can’t help the smirk that takes over me as the thought of what people must think as they pass by on their morning commute, an athletic cheery girl who takes care of herself. Well, if they only knew how that is a harsh 360 degrees from who I really am.

I shake my head as I put everything I have into focusing on the tempo of the music.

Dodging the crack in the sidewalk (with its ankle spraining angle) I can feel the fog start to creep up around my mind, allowing the dark memories to run wild in my forethought as I push my legs even faster as if I could physically outrun them.

I start to hear their voices. They are coming from the part of me I wish I had a button to that was labeled ‘OFF’ …

Your thin lips do not do you justice.

As I roll my lips in, I take a bite at my bottom lip. I can feel the sting and taste the metallic blood that reminds me, yes, I am still alive.

Your boobs look disgusting at this angle.

I pull my arms in, adjusting the strap on my shoulder from my sports bra. I can feel the pressure around my chest, I always wear my bras one size too small so that I do not have to deal with the scrutiny of my chest.

How can you be such a bitch, you are so selfish.

I can feel the harsh breath stab into my lungs, as my mind begins to overwork.

I don’t need you, no one does.

Spots start to pop up along my line of vision.

I don’t know if I want to be with you, or with her.

My knees begin to give with each step.

Lora, he did it. He killed himself.

My body comes to a complete stop, yanking my earbuds out and doubling over, my hands grip my knees as if my life hinges on it. Raking in dry painful breathes, slowly, the fog dissipates. I hear a car honk in the distance and then the sound of morning traffic slams into my ears as if someone has unmuted the world. I open my eyes to find the world going on, as if nothing has just happened.

By the time I make it to my front door, my breathing has evened out and my hands have stopped shaking. Unlocking the front door, I greet my Mom with my practiced smile and cheery sounding “Good Morning, How’d you sleep?” No one the wiser that I just fought the war I battle with every day. I exhaustingly shrug to myself, mumbling as I walk down the hall, “Better to fight my demons in the light of day, than in the dark.”