Dear Fuck Faces,

I never particularly liked any of you. Except for Greg. Greg's cool. The vast majority of you, however, are a bunch of self-absorbed twats who were either too wrapped up in your own insignificant lives or too stupid to realize that I was really, really unhappy. Maybe I wasn't worth saving anyway. I suppose that's not the most egregious conclusion.

Initially, I had dreamed of hurling myself into the ocean. Dramatic flair, you know. And I heard it's such a peaceful way to go. Alas, it wasn't meant for me; I much prefer to leave a bloated corpse as a physical manifestation of your narcissism and apathy. Just let that guilt soak in. Plus, I have that rash thing with cold water. Furthermore, it's remarkably easy to purchase a handgun in this country.

Ah, yes, please play Billy Idol's timeless ballad "Eyes Without a Face" on a continuous loop during the ceremony. Open casket, of course. Also - I can't stress this enough - keep my liver away from Eric, that deadbeat lush. My organs shall be dispersed amongst the people who are truly deserving, the ailing wealthy with the means to afford them. After hollowing me out, please preserve my cadaver and use it as a Halloween lawn decoration.  

Well, I guess that about does it. Don't worry, I'm saving you all a seat beside me in Hell.

P.S. If the fish are still alive, could somebody please feed them?