Dear Fuck Faces,

I never particularly liked any of you. Except for Greg. Greg's cool. The vast majority of you, however, are a bunch of self-absorbed twats who were either too wrapped up in your own insignificant lives or too stupid to realize that I was really, really unhappy. Maybe I wasn't worth saving anyway. I suppose that's not the most egregious conclusion.

Initially, I had dreamed of hurling myself into the ocean. Dramatic flair, you know. And I heard it's such a peaceful way to go. Alas, it wasn't meant for me; I much prefer to leave a bloated corpse as a physical manifestation of your narcissism and apathy. Just let that guilt soak in. Plus, I have that rash thing with cold water. Furthermore, it's remarkably easy to purchase a handgun in this country.

Ah, yes, please play Billy Idol's timeless ballad "Eyes Without a Face" on a continuous loop during the ceremony. Open casket, of course. Also - I can't stress this enough - keep my liver away from Eric, that deadbeat lush. My organs shall be dispersed amongst the people who are truly deserving, the ailing wealthy with the means to afford them. After hollowing me out, please preserve my cadaver and use it as a Halloween lawn decoration.  

Well, I guess that about does it. Don't worry, I'm saving you all a seat beside me in Hell.

P.S. If the fish are still alive, could somebody please feed them? 

To my mother; my father; my sister; my friends,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm too weak to carry on living in this harsh world. No more can I pretend that "I'm fine," will magically destroy the high-pitched, deafening laughter that surrounds me like air. Always there. This facade of happiness is much too old and cracks have began to form (why are you wearing long sleeves in summer?)

I'm sorry that everyday I lose the fight and today I've lost the war. Today, their insults morph to blades because whispers of "freak," "ugly," and "loser," will ALWAYS hurt me, killing me more and more and more each agonizing day.

I'm sorry because I'm no longer your daughter; your sister; your friend. That girl with her heart on her sleeve and a bright smile on her face. I'm sorry but she was dead long ago and her spirit rots inside of me. I'm an empty shell, a fragile ghost, walking in her skin. I killed the girl you loved.

I'm sorry this is goodbye.

To my tormentors, the ones that stood aside and the ones too scared to help,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you are so insecure that you had to destroy innocent souls in order to feel like you are beautiful and loved. That you think their fear of you equals respect and true friendship.

I'm sorry for being an "ugly freak." For being so much of a loser that my pain and tears must have meant nothing to you because you stood aside and watched me die.

I'm sorry that you are so afraid. You lack the courage to even say the two words that could have saved my "weak," "pathetic," life. Too scared to even offer something as simple and priceless as a smile or a nod. No words required... I guess fear is stronger than kindness.

I'm not sorry I escaped. I'm not sorry I will finally find happiness in death. I'm not sorry I found the courage to stop fighting.

Goodbye.

The knocks on the door are unbearably loud tonight. 

The scratching of my pen did not drown it out for long.

I thought the rain would sooth my soul.

I tried. 

I'm running out of ink, and I'm not sure what else to make of it.

If I could apologize and mean it, I'd write you "I'm sorry" a million times.

But I'm not.

The knocking at the door has grown quiet.

I do believe it's a peaceful note to leave on.

Today is the day i wasn't lying when i told you i couldn't take it anymore. Please don't look back and torment yourself for not seeing it and don't sit there and pretend you care to capitalize on my death; be honest with yourselves.

Mom, i know you always did the best you could. You were always my hero in life and know i always saw your strength. You are what got me this far in life and i'm so sorry i couldn't be more strong like you. I love you; you always were and always will be my best friend. I will eternally rest better knowing my last words to you were of how much i love you. 

Dad, i know that we had our troubles and i'm sorry for all those times i accused you of not loving me anymore, i know you were hurt by my words and just know i love you. Thank you for trying and never giving up on me; i'm sorry i gave up on you.

My new Mom and Sisters, I'm sorry for all the times i made it feel like i hated you, it wasn't you it was my inability to accept you. I love you guys.

Sissy; we fought we hated each other but we were each others biggest fans. You're my other hero because you're just  like mommy. Please don't blame yourself of sit there picking apart our arguments because even though you told me you wish i was never born, i know you didn't really mean it. You're going to make the best mother someday and your day is coming; promise.

Bro, don't regret not spending time with m or us losing touch; i know you have a life and a family and you're always going to be my first best friend. Thick as thieves and i hope dad tells all your daughters how much you loved playing barbies.

Grandma and Grandpa, i was always your girl; please remember me like that and know i'm waiting for you with Aunt Kara. I know you believe i Jesus with every fiber of your being; i'm with him now and my pain is finally gone.

I know i'll live on through you; please celebrate me in all the ways i wish i could have celebrated life. Don't follow me, don't shut down; keep fighting. I know it's selfish to say that because i couldn't; but that isn't important now.

Hope i'm not gone, be angry and hate me and be sad; grieve but please don't forget me. That's my biggest fear; that i wasn't good enough for any of you. 

I was fighting demons you couldn't imagine and that's okay. But i'm at peace writing this. For the first time i feel alive, i'll be eternally with you now and one day we'll see each other again.

I'm happy all my words to you were good ones and that i got to hug you and my niece one more time. 

Love Always, 

Your daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter and friend

I'm sorry i've always been so selfish and my biggest regret will always be causing any of you pain.

goodbye. 

T.S Elliot once said this is the way the world ends not with a bang but a whimper. I suppose he know what he was talking about except my life has been full of whimpering and tears. My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 and mom we asked mom to remarry a nice rich guy with a boat. Well she got one thing right he had a boat. However he was the most jealous and meanest man I've ever met. I remember he took us fishing a few times but most of my memories of him were of being thrown up against a wall or told I'd never amount to anything. He never did this around mom of course. He was always very nice to her. As I grew my stepfather and I continued to argue and eventually I was forced to leave because of the stress this out on my mom. I love my mom very much and I hated seeing her suffer. Eventually my real father started having manic episodes and got into drugs which lead to suicide attempts. I trying to be a good son continued to stay by him even after everyone else left. It was difficult to hear my father call me some of the things he did. I tried to make my life better by going to classes but having to borrow money from my mother set my stepfather off again. I truly believe given the opportunity he's honestly murder me or at least cause me serious harm. So after a life of this madness could Hell be any worse maybe God will take pity on me. One things for sure though my step father was right I didn't make anything of myself.

I used to have a flame.

It was dim and constantly flickered,

But it still existed.

At that time, you were enough.

But Time partnered up with Death

And together, they stole my oxygen.

The flame burned out, love.

What was left of me?

Smoke.

And on that day, you weren't enough anymore.

Your embrace no longer warmed my cold skin.

Your smile couldn't jump-start my heart.

Your eyes became mirrors,

And I didn't like my reflection.

You tried to be generous, didn't you?

Maybe you secretly knew I couldn't breathe anymore,

So when you pressed your lips against mine, you made sure to exhale.

It worked...for a time.

But it still wasn't enough.

Because every night after you had fallen asleep, the flame would extinguish again.

As the cold crept in, my rotting mind reminded me that no one could save me.

And as time kept passing and approached this day, your oxygen wasn't enough anymore.

That's when I knew.

When my love for you had went,

I knew I had to go.

So now I'm gone.

This isn't a suicide letter mom I promise. Trust me your loving daughter would never scandalise you like that. I promise I didn't know my cut was infected. I had no idea that rubbing dirt all in my wound would cause my body to go into septic shock. I for sure didn't realise that putting the same band aid with just a little more tape would speed up the process. Still this isn't a suicide letter. I just thought I could give you some advice before you plan out everything. Please play Donna Summer at my funeral. I know I wasn't born in the seventies and Hot Stuff usually isn't the choice song when laying your oldest and only daughter to rest but trust me it will be epic. I hope I saved you all financially. Alan will be going off to college soon and Cannons ADHD medicine is becoming too expensive so now at least you don't have to worry about my poor money managing coming to bite you in the ass. I really loved you. Isn't it sad that at my age you are the only person who I know for sure that I loved. I think I loved my cat but I had to get rid of him after three months so maybe not. And I could have loved Zachoree if I only would have told him how I felt before he met Mary Ann and I moved off. Honestly this kind of is a suicide note. I don't want to inconvenience you but maybe not stress out so much. Heck know maybe with only three kids, life will get a little easier. 

P.S. Hey at least I'm not bored now.