Not Just Another Cinderella Story

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful girl named Cinderella, who lived with her domineering stepmother and extraordinarily ugly stepsisters.   They made her clean their floors and do their laundry, and work all night doing ridiculous chores, even though she was clearly morally and intellectually superior, not to mention perpetually flawless looking even though she spent all day covered in dish soap and wheat flour.

One day, she heard about a huge ball that was being held at an awesome castle.   All of the most eligible bachelorettes who weren't poor or too hideous were to be invited so that the prince could find himself a wife.   Unfortunately, Cinderella wasn't on the invite list due to a convenient mail fire that may or may not have been started by her stepmother, who wanted one of her own daughters to marry the prince (although somehow their invitations had made it through unscathed).

Cinderella was devastated that she couldn't go, and spent the night crying, watching her stepsisters ride away in a fantastically over-the-top carriage that was going way over the speed limit.   She was about to give up in despair and just go to bed, when suddenly, a magical fairy appeared out of nowhere.

"Hello, Cinderella, I am your fairy Godmother," said the fairy, "I'm here to help you get to the ball!"

"What?" said Cinderella in wonder, "How are you going to do that?"

"I just told you, I'm a fairy, I'm magic," said the fairy Godmother, "Do try and keep up, dear."

With that said, she then proceeded to turn one of the pumpkins in the yard into an even fancier carriage than her stepsisters had, and then unceremoniously turned six unsuspecting mice into horses and coachmen, who somehow miraculously knew exactly what to do to drive a carriage.   She then gave Cinderella a designer ballgown and glass slippers, which were very uncomfortable, but as all the fashion magazines said, "beauty is pain".

"Take care you're home by midnight, dear, because that's when the spell will wear off" said the fairy Godmother, "After that I have to teach a hot yoga class, and I have trouble multitasking."

With that, Cinderella was off to the ball.   She arrived just on time so that she was noticed by the prince immediately, as he was quite bored by this time and was just staring around trying to figure out which princess he would prefer to see naked.

He was completely enchanted by her, and he immediately went over to her.   Without a word, they began to dance.   They danced for hours, staring deeply into each others' eyes, and Cinderella forgot all about the blisters she was now getting from her ridiculous shoes.

Suddenly, she heard the clock begin to chime, and she looked up to realize that it was just midnight.   She immediately raced off to her carriage, which she prayed would still be there, leaving the prince standing there, sniffing his armpits to make sure his b.o. hadn't driven her off.   Then coming to his senses, he chased after her.   He managed to almost catch up to her as she was running down the front stairs (God, how does she do that in those heels, he thought), but was too late to stop her as she got in her carriage and sped away.   He stared after her in disappointment, then, looking down, he saw that she had left one of her horrible shoes on the stairs, miraculously unbroken.

Looking on the inside sole, he saw written the words "This slipper is magic.   I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it will only fit one person, I swear".   This cheered him up immensely.   All he had to do was go to every single house in the country and give the shoe to every single woman to try one.   That was only a few thousand people, he could do that.

It took a few months, because they didn't have internet back then, but eventually he made his way to Cinderella's house.   Her stepsisters both tried on the shoe, but it didn't fit their man feet, and they almost broke it just getting it on and off.   Just as he was about to leave, he saw Cinderella standing near the window.   He recognized her immediately, because she still looked the same even without the dress, but he thought he should have her try it on, just in case.

She slipped her foot into the shoe, and it fit perfectly, although her foot was now covered in band-aids.   They cried out in joy, and embraced one another, the stepsisters staring stupidly, and the stepmother cursing her wasted youth, lighting up a cigar and pouring herself a giant glass of peppermint schnapps.   They didn't care, though.   The lovers just held each other in their arms, thinking just how perfect their lives were going to be.   Then, the prince spoke to her for the first time.

"You know what I like most about you?" he asked.

She held her breath waiting for his answer.

"Your boobs," he said.

Her jaw dropped.   Was he serious?   Oh my God, he was.   Looking into his eyes, she realized just how dull and shallow they were.   This guy was a moron!

She made up her mind in that instant.   She was way better than this guy, it had just taken her this long to realize it.

"You know what?" she said, "I just realized something.   I've been wasting my life for the past eighteen years.  It's about time I did something for myself.   Fairy Godmother?"

The Godmother appeared, shocking everyone, who had only just now realized that fairies were real.

"What's up, sweetie?" she said, still wearing her yoga pants and carrying a sweaty duffel bag.

"I don't need any of this.   I want to go to college and be an engineering major!"

"You got it, toots," the fairy Godmother said, and whisked her off to MIT, where she became an electrical engineering major.

And they lived happily ever after.