Three fat pigs with ample bosoms

twirled their parasols behind their tushs

as they flirted with the suave handsome wolf.

They yearned for a favor from him, which

they knew he could give – oh yes!

He oozed animal sexuality from every pore.

As the plump swine danced gaily on pig feet,

Dudley Wolf knew he’d have his pick – oh my!

So he thought of a contest for the wooing sisters -

You must each build a house and I’ll choose

which one I want to move into with you

where we’ll roll in the hay all day long!

Esmerelda Pig was furious at such a task -

it would take too much work and she’d

miss eating chocolate bonbons all day -

after all, she must maintain her curves.

She’d get even, of that she was sure

as she ignored his magnetism, and

did what she must to thwart his commands.

She pleaded with Priscilla and Hortensia,

her chubby sisters, to come up with a plan

They put their heads together in a circle

decided that Esmerelda would construct

a fine house out of straw with a pit

in front of the door where Dudley

would stand when he knocked.

Priscilla would take her sharpened sticks

and place them point up in the hole.

Hortensia would lay a winding brick path

leading to the daunting pit of no return.

It would serve that debonair wolf right!

Dudley Wolf came up to the door,

traipsing the path of red bricks

to the straw house which he planned

to blow down with one smelly breath.

The hole caved in and the wolf went flying

down the pit, was impaled on the sticks.

“This isn’t what I planned,” he screamed

as he lay there dying while porkers watched.

He was dead as a doornail, just a wolf rug

when they took his gold pocket watch and

all his cash and bought armloads of cartons

of chocolate bonbons which enhanced

their voluptuous bodies as they pranced,

looking for a wolf who wouldn’t have

         SO MANY DEMANDS!

Sindyrela had two sisters;

Astma and Drizzle

Sindyrela was a total B to her sisters

But their mom didn't care

Cuz she was a total Pothead

One night Sindyrela snuck out

No one knew where she went

And when they asked

She said;

"Who knows? Maybe the same place mom goes every night."

Then she stormed off

Then there was a ball

All four of them went

The three sisters

All wanted to marry the prince

But They all knew they wouldn't

But the prince

(Prince Chapps)

Took a liking towards Astma

Who he proposed to

That night

In front of everyone

Sindyrela was not happy

So she screamed

And everyone turned to her

"I'm pregnant'"

She yelled

"With Prince Chapps' Kid"

Everyone was silent

Until the mom spoke out

"So am I"

She said

Next thing you know

Everyone's saying they were pregnant

With his kid

And they were

Good luck Chapps!

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful girl named Cinderella, who lived with her domineering stepmother and extraordinarily ugly stepsisters.   They made her clean their floors and do their laundry, and work all night doing ridiculous chores, even though she was clearly morally and intellectually superior, not to mention perpetually flawless looking even though she spent all day covered in dish soap and wheat flour.

One day, she heard about a huge ball that was being held at an awesome castle.   All of the most eligible bachelorettes who weren't poor or too hideous were to be invited so that the prince could find himself a wife.   Unfortunately, Cinderella wasn't on the invite list due to a convenient mail fire that may or may not have been started by her stepmother, who wanted one of her own daughters to marry the prince (although somehow their invitations had made it through unscathed).

Cinderella was devastated that she couldn't go, and spent the night crying, watching her stepsisters ride away in a fantastically over-the-top carriage that was going way over the speed limit.   She was about to give up in despair and just go to bed, when suddenly, a magical fairy appeared out of nowhere.

"Hello, Cinderella, I am your fairy Godmother," said the fairy, "I'm here to help you get to the ball!"

"What?" said Cinderella in wonder, "How are you going to do that?"

"I just told you, I'm a fairy, I'm magic," said the fairy Godmother, "Do try and keep up, dear."

With that said, she then proceeded to turn one of the pumpkins in the yard into an even fancier carriage than her stepsisters had, and then unceremoniously turned six unsuspecting mice into horses and coachmen, who somehow miraculously knew exactly what to do to drive a carriage.   She then gave Cinderella a designer ballgown and glass slippers, which were very uncomfortable, but as all the fashion magazines said, "beauty is pain".

"Take care you're home by midnight, dear, because that's when the spell will wear off" said the fairy Godmother, "After that I have to teach a hot yoga class, and I have trouble multitasking."

With that, Cinderella was off to the ball.   She arrived just on time so that she was noticed by the prince immediately, as he was quite bored by this time and was just staring around trying to figure out which princess he would prefer to see naked.

He was completely enchanted by her, and he immediately went over to her.   Without a word, they began to dance.   They danced for hours, staring deeply into each others' eyes, and Cinderella forgot all about the blisters she was now getting from her ridiculous shoes.

Suddenly, she heard the clock begin to chime, and she looked up to realize that it was just midnight.   She immediately raced off to her carriage, which she prayed would still be there, leaving the prince standing there, sniffing his armpits to make sure his b.o. hadn't driven her off.   Then coming to his senses, he chased after her.   He managed to almost catch up to her as she was running down the front stairs (God, how does she do that in those heels, he thought), but was too late to stop her as she got in her carriage and sped away.   He stared after her in disappointment, then, looking down, he saw that she had left one of her horrible shoes on the stairs, miraculously unbroken.

Looking on the inside sole, he saw written the words "This slipper is magic.   I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it will only fit one person, I swear".   This cheered him up immensely.   All he had to do was go to every single house in the country and give the shoe to every single woman to try one.   That was only a few thousand people, he could do that.

It took a few months, because they didn't have internet back then, but eventually he made his way to Cinderella's house.   Her stepsisters both tried on the shoe, but it didn't fit their man feet, and they almost broke it just getting it on and off.   Just as he was about to leave, he saw Cinderella standing near the window.   He recognized her immediately, because she still looked the same even without the dress, but he thought he should have her try it on, just in case.

She slipped her foot into the shoe, and it fit perfectly, although her foot was now covered in band-aids.   They cried out in joy, and embraced one another, the stepsisters staring stupidly, and the stepmother cursing her wasted youth, lighting up a cigar and pouring herself a giant glass of peppermint schnapps.   They didn't care, though.   The lovers just held each other in their arms, thinking just how perfect their lives were going to be.   Then, the prince spoke to her for the first time.

"You know what I like most about you?" he asked.

She held her breath waiting for his answer.

"Your boobs," he said.

Her jaw dropped.   Was he serious?   Oh my God, he was.   Looking into his eyes, she realized just how dull and shallow they were.   This guy was a moron!

She made up her mind in that instant.   She was way better than this guy, it had just taken her this long to realize it.

"You know what?" she said, "I just realized something.   I've been wasting my life for the past eighteen years.  It's about time I did something for myself.   Fairy Godmother?"

The Godmother appeared, shocking everyone, who had only just now realized that fairies were real.

"What's up, sweetie?" she said, still wearing her yoga pants and carrying a sweaty duffel bag.

"I don't need any of this.   I want to go to college and be an engineering major!"

"You got it, toots," the fairy Godmother said, and whisked her off to MIT, where she became an electrical engineering major.

And they lived happily ever after.

A handsome prince, the fairest in the land, gazed upon a slumbering beauty. There was a lustful gleam in his eyes as he watched the princess sleep.

"She was cursed to endure an endless sleep," the prince explained.

"That's horrid!" the prince's knight, Sir Nicholas, exclaimed.

"Positively horrid, Nicholas," the prince agreed, "this poor beauty has been asleep for the past century!"

"A century?" Sir Nicholas inquired.

"Indeed. Only a true love's kiss can free the princesses from this wretched curse."

"A...kiss?"

"Yes, Nicholas. Keep up," the prince said, shaking his head, "I will bestow a kiss upon the princess' tender lips and free her from her prison."

"Sir, are you certain that you should kiss this maiden? She is asleep-"

"And I must free her with a true love's kiss!"

"How could you be her true love if she was born a century before you? She has never met y-"

"Love works in mysterious ways, Nicholas."

Sir Nicholas nodded, although he was not convinced. "Do as you wish your highness," he mumbled.

The prince slowly leaned over the princess. He placed a short but passionate kiss on her lips before standing upright. The prince and Sir Nicholas watched the princesses' sleeping body. The two waited for ten long seconds, still, the princess remained asleep.

"But... I don't understand. It didn't work," the prince whispered.

"No shit, your highness," Sir Nicholas smirked.

"But-"

"Perhaps next time you won't go around kissing sleeping maidens."

After Snow White’s mom died, her narcissistic bitch of a stepmother (who couldn’t take her eyes off her enchanted mirror) ordered the huntsman (who truly looked nothing like Chris Hemsworth) to take Snow White into the forest, kill her, and bring back her lungs and liver. The huntsman couldn’t go through with the queen’s dastardly plan, so he let the young maiden go and brought back the organs of a wild animal.

The King didn’t even notice because he was too busy getting drunk and playing World of Warcraft.

Eventually, Snow White came across a cottage in the woods in which seven dwarves lived. No one was home (the dwarves were at work), so Snow White trespassed into the home, and committed petty theft by eating some food before falling asleep on one of the beds. Upon the dwarves’ return, they took pity on the lass and let her stay as long as she cooked for and cleaned up after them. Snow White was happy for the job, and the arrangement fulfilled her latent fetish for smaller guys.

One day, the mirror snitched that Snow White was still alive, so, infuriated, the Queen made a poison apple, disguised herself as a homely farmer’s wife, found Snow White, and offered the apple to the young maiden.

“Why are you giving me this?” Snow White asked accusingly. “Do you think I’m fat?!”

“Not at all dearie,” the disguised Queen replied.

Snow White began to cry. “I am fat,” she wailed. “I clean and cook and wash clothes all day but I never lose any weight. Look how swollen my ankles are,” Snow White lamented, lifting her leg. “And I have really bad cramps right now too.”

“There, there,” the Queen said, patting Snow White on her back. “Really, you’re not fat at all. I just wanted to be nice and share my pois…, er my apple with you,” she replied.

“Do you have any chocolate?” Snow White queried. “I could really go for some chocolate right now.”

“But you were just bemoaning that you were fat,” the Queen said. “And now you want chocolate? That makes no sense.” Snow White sobbed louder. “Oh, okay. Stay here for a minute and I will see if I can find some,” the Queen offered, standing up. She gave Snow White the apple as she walked away. “I’ll be right back.”

“Hurry,” Snow White replied, examining the apple. She had never seen one quite so perfect and shiny. She could see her reflection and noticed that her mascara was smudged, making her look like a raccoon. As she was rubbing her eyes, she absent-mindedly took a bite of the apple. And died on the spot.

Moral #1: Always eat organic produce. And make sure the crops aren’t cared for by Monsanto. Oh, and waterproof mascara is a must if you are prone to crying.

ALTERNATE ENDING

The dwarves returned home and saw their precious housekeeper, presumed dead in the front yard, a perfect apple with a bite missing still in her hand. Needless to say, they were very upset.

The dwarves got a glass casket so they could look upon her beauty. One day, a handsome prince rode by on his white steed and, upon catching a glimpse of Snow White, fell head over heels in love with her. You see, the prince was a Scorpio, and they are notorious for feeling too much and being too passionate. Well, in the beginning, anyway. After a while, they become very manipulative and jealous and, well, nobody wants that bullshit.

Regardless, the prince lifted the casket’s lid and kissed the beautiful maiden who immediately awakened and sat up. “Who the hell are you?” Snow White asked the prince.

“Well, I’m Prince Charming,” he replied.

“Your mother actually named you that?” Snow White sneered.

“Excuse me?!” he retorted. “What kind of name is Snow White?” he asked, accusingly.

“Please get him out of here,” Snow White asked the dwarves who were more than glad to comply because they had purchased a French maid outfit they were dying to see her wear.

Moral #2: Stay away from Scorpios. Far, far away.

Ella they are calling,

     can you hear?

Why is it that you're

     trembling in fear?

What have they done to you?

Why are you black and blue?

Don't give up,

     your Prince will come, my dear

Ella, why is your dress

     torn and tattered?

It was the only dress

     to you that mattered

There are tears upon your face

Maybe they should get a taste

Is that horses that i hear

     clip clop and clatter?

Ella, what have the

     wicked sisters done?

Have they had enough

     of horrid fun?

Don't you give up now

Let me show you how

To send those ugly

     bitches on the run

Ella come and see

     my gift for you

It's time to give those girls

     what they are due

You now hold the power

To make them quake and cower

They wont be mocking you

     when we are through

Ella, take the belt now

     don't hold back

Give both of their behinds

     a good hard whack

When with them you are through

One more surprise for you

I've got your step mom

     tied up in the back.

The​ ​glass​ ​slipper​ ​came​ ​off​ ​of​ ​Cinderella's​ ​foot​ ​as​ ​the​ ​clock​ ​struck

midnight.​ ​​ ​Looking​ ​back​ ​one​ ​last​ ​time​ ​at​ ​her​ ​prince​ ​standing​ ​stunned​ ​on​ ​the

stairs​ ​holding​ ​her​ ​shoe,​ ​she​ ​jumped​ ​into​ ​her​ ​carriage.​ ​​ ​As​ ​she

rode​ ​away,​ ​she​ ​pried​ ​the​ ​other​ ​slipper​ ​off​ ​and​ ​tossed​ ​the​ ​damn

thing​ ​out​ ​the​ ​window.​ ​​ ​Both​ ​her​ ​feet​ ​were​ ​sore​ ​and​ ​rubbed​ ​bloody

by​ ​the​ ​unforgiving​ ​material.​ ​​ ​She​ ​stretched​ ​her​ ​toes​ ​and​ ​sighed.

She​ ​had​ ​to​ ​really​ ​grin​ ​and​ ​bare​ ​it​ ​through​ ​that​ ​last​ ​dance​ ​with​ ​the

Prince,​ ​but​ ​as​ ​the​ ​man​ ​was​ ​a​ ​handsome​ ​and rich ​so​ ​it​ ​may​ ​have

been​ ​worth​ ​it.

The​ ​day​ ​after​ ​the​ ​ball​ ​word​ ​spread​ ​quickly​ ​of​ ​the​ ​Prince's

unorthodox​ ​plan​ ​to​ ​choose​ ​his​ ​bride.​ ​​ ​Cinderella​ ​relished​ ​the​ ​idea

of​ ​seeing​ ​her​ ​dance​ ​partner​ ​once​ ​again​ ​and​ ​waited​ ​patiently​ ​as

her​ ​step-sisters​ ​both​ ​failed​ ​the​ ​fitting.​ ​​ ​Covered​ ​in​ ​cinders,​ ​she

stood​ ​regally​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of​ ​the​ ​Prince​ ​and​ ​held​ ​out​ ​her​ ​foot.​ ​​ ​Her​ ​toe

was​ ​bruised,​ ​her​ ​heel​ ​was​ ​cut up,​ ​and​ ​her​ ​foot​ ​was​ ​swollen.​ ​​ ​The

Prince​ ​gingerly​ ​tried​ ​to​ ​put​ ​the​ ​slipper​ ​on.​ ​​ ​Cinderella​ ​cringed​ ​as

the​ ​shoe​ ​made​ ​contact.​ ​​ ​Her​ ​foot​ ​was​ ​too​ ​swollen​​ ​and

the​ ​slipper​ ​got​ ​stuck​ ​halfway​ ​on.

"You​ ​must​ ​see​ ​my​ ​feet​ ​are​ ​battered​ ​from​ ​dancing​ ​with​ ​you​ ​in

glass​ ​heels.​ ​​ ​Surely​ ​you​ ​remember​ ​my​ ​face?"​ ​​ ​The​ ​Prince​ ​shook

his​ ​head.

"I'm​ ​not​ ​really​ ​good​ ​with​ ​faces.​ ​​ ​Hence​ ​the​ ​shoe​ ​plan,"​ ​he​ ​held​ ​up

the​ ​shoe​ ​in​ ​display​ ​before​ ​running​ ​off​ ​to​ ​marry​ ​the​ ​first​ ​size​ ​8

narrow​ ​he​ ​found.​ ​​ ​Cinderella​ ​remained​ ​behind​ ​to​ ​silently​ ​cursed

her​ ​fairy​ ​godmother​ ​for​ ​choosing​ ​style​ ​over​ ​substance.