PMS (Pesticides, Mascara, and Scorpios)

After Snow White’s mom died, her narcissistic bitch of a stepmother (who couldn’t take her eyes off her enchanted mirror) ordered the huntsman (who truly looked nothing like Chris Hemsworth) to take Snow White into the forest, kill her, and bring back her lungs and liver. The huntsman couldn’t go through with the queen’s dastardly plan, so he let the young maiden go and brought back the organs of a wild animal.

The King didn’t even notice because he was too busy getting drunk and playing World of Warcraft.

Eventually, Snow White came across a cottage in the woods in which seven dwarves lived. No one was home (the dwarves were at work), so Snow White trespassed into the home, and committed petty theft by eating some food before falling asleep on one of the beds. Upon the dwarves’ return, they took pity on the lass and let her stay as long as she cooked for and cleaned up after them. Snow White was happy for the job, and the arrangement fulfilled her latent fetish for smaller guys.

One day, the mirror snitched that Snow White was still alive, so, infuriated, the Queen made a poison apple, disguised herself as a homely farmer’s wife, found Snow White, and offered the apple to the young maiden.

“Why are you giving me this?” Snow White asked accusingly. “Do you think I’m fat?!”

“Not at all dearie,” the disguised Queen replied.

Snow White began to cry. “I am fat,” she wailed. “I clean and cook and wash clothes all day but I never lose any weight. Look how swollen my ankles are,” Snow White lamented, lifting her leg. “And I have really bad cramps right now too.”

“There, there,” the Queen said, patting Snow White on her back. “Really, you’re not fat at all. I just wanted to be nice and share my pois…, er my apple with you,” she replied.

“Do you have any chocolate?” Snow White queried. “I could really go for some chocolate right now.”

“But you were just bemoaning that you were fat,” the Queen said. “And now you want chocolate? That makes no sense.” Snow White sobbed louder. “Oh, okay. Stay here for a minute and I will see if I can find some,” the Queen offered, standing up. She gave Snow White the apple as she walked away. “I’ll be right back.”

“Hurry,” Snow White replied, examining the apple. She had never seen one quite so perfect and shiny. She could see her reflection and noticed that her mascara was smudged, making her look like a raccoon. As she was rubbing her eyes, she absent-mindedly took a bite of the apple. And died on the spot.

Moral #1: Always eat organic produce. And make sure the crops aren’t cared for by Monsanto. Oh, and waterproof mascara is a must if you are prone to crying.

ALTERNATE ENDING

The dwarves returned home and saw their precious housekeeper, presumed dead in the front yard, a perfect apple with a bite missing still in her hand. Needless to say, they were very upset.

The dwarves got a glass casket so they could look upon her beauty. One day, a handsome prince rode by on his white steed and, upon catching a glimpse of Snow White, fell head over heels in love with her. You see, the prince was a Scorpio, and they are notorious for feeling too much and being too passionate. Well, in the beginning, anyway. After a while, they become very manipulative and jealous and, well, nobody wants that bullshit.

Regardless, the prince lifted the casket’s lid and kissed the beautiful maiden who immediately awakened and sat up. “Who the hell are you?” Snow White asked the prince.

“Well, I’m Prince Charming,” he replied.

“Your mother actually named you that?” Snow White sneered.

“Excuse me?!” he retorted. “What kind of name is Snow White?” he asked, accusingly.

“Please get him out of here,” Snow White asked the dwarves who were more than glad to comply because they had purchased a French maid outfit they were dying to see her wear.

Moral #2: Stay away from Scorpios. Far, far away.