ME

The screen stared at me,the words calling me out. Familiar tingles making it's way to my fingers. I felt the air around me get heavy, my heart beating louder than a thousand drums in my ear.I close my eyes.

"WRITE!" it yelled

the drumming increased

"You call yourself a writer? then write!!" it taunted this time.

Theories of self doubt swarming around.

The anxious devil in my mind slowly prowling out of it's cage

I open my eyes, the images inside my mind too horrifying to look. Eyes shining with determnation I stared back this time. I started back at the words on the screen, my anxiety rising up. I take a deep breath

Something to lose,something to lose something to lose something to lose something to lose,something to lose

An endless cycle on repeat. The moment a blessing and a curse.

How could I have so many thing to lose?

Why I do feel like I have never enough then?

What am I supposed to choose?

A list flashes across my eyes a million images swirling in the back of my mind

Do I choose those who made or do I choose those who make me want to live? Do I choose those moment that are too precious or the fantisies my mind contains?

I sighed; face scrunches up, fingers running through my hair. Silencing the voices around me, hearing the real me. A faint whisper it was, bearly audible. A feeling it was, giving you butterflies and making your stomach drop at the same time. A tremor it is that runs through every fiber of me and then those words spill out of my mouth

"Is it selfish,If I choose me?"

So I sat up straight. This time surity in my eyes, back straight with the energy running through each cord of mine.

I've spent 18 years trying to find love, looking everywhere except in front of me and after 19 years as I sat in front of the mirror completly broken and hopeless brushing through the few remaining strands of my hair survivour of the disease called depression. I looked at me, stared into my own eyes and found me. And after 19 years when I found myself and fell in love with me, it is not selfish of me to choose me. I have something to loose, something I cherish with every fiber in my body, something that is my solace, something that the thought of losing pulls the world from benethe my feet. That something to loose is me.

That something to loose is me because "me" is made up of parts of the list falshing across my eyes the million images swirling at the back of my mind. Me includes God that I beg in front of the reason of my existense.Me includes my parents that bought me into this world, that taught me to walk. Me includes my lover who makes me feel loved in a way completely different from how I love me. Me includes my best friend who pulls me back up when I've been pushed down. Me includes those siblings that I fight around with everytime.Me includes the word that I am typing right now, the words that keep me going on. Me includes the smell of freshly baked goods when I'm twirling with a bowl of batter in my kitchen.Me includes those post workout endorphines that make me feel invincible. Me includes those lazy days where I lay around day dreaming. Me includes those books which make me travel different journys. Me includes my world that I live in with my people around me

Me;It is me that I have to lose, that sometimes I feel this real cruel world will steal from me .The thought of that shaking the very core of me.

Me;It is me that pushes me through the realities of the world. My anchor to stay steady while I journy through this strom of life.

Me, because without me, the people and things I were scared to lose wouldn't be there.

It is "me" that I have, the only thing I have to lose