Eating Disorder
I have had a distorted body image my whole life. My mother and both my grandmothers were on me about my weight even though I wasn't overweight when they first started this. I just wasn't the skinny toddler and young child they were used to. After a while I would sneak food, eat when nobody was watching and I did become overweight. I did manage to lose the weight during my freshman year of college by drinking nothing but diet shakes. I was ashamed of this and kept it a secret from my friends. I didn't want them to judge me because it seemed that they could eat whatever they wanted and still maintain their slim figures. Later I discovered I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which did not help with my weight loss goals. I would drink my diet shakes in stealth, when nobody was around, sometimes even going into the bathroom where they couldn't see me. Whenever I went out to restaurants with my friends for those late night get togethers that people in their teens and twenties tend to do, I would only order a drink, something like iced tea. It made me feel isolated that I couldn't order food like everyone else.
In my 20s through my 40s, I moved to low carb. Deprived myself of anything with grain, cut out all gluten. I was convinced that this was the enemy. Supposedly this was the magic bullet for PCOS. This also had me feeling isolated from everyone else. Even worse, I got bullied over it. My sister-in-law would sigh in exasperation, "You're ALWAYS on a diet" and make fun of my food choices. For example, the family wanted Chinese and I agreed only if I could order it and she yells loudly, "I want mine with LOTS OF FAT AND LOTS OF GLUTEN!" My mother was fond of saying, "I don't know why you're not thin. You really don't eat anything."
In the past few months, I think I am finally on the road to recovery. I started doing a step counting health program through work and began tracking my food through an app. These days, I eat pretty much what I want to, not restricting anything from any food groups, just watch my portion size. I am down over 20 pounds since January and weigh less than I have in a long time. I try not to let my mother gloat about her weight and her bugging me about my numbers on the scale bother me. For the first time since I went on that diet at 12 years old, I feel healthy.
Suicide
I tried with a noose, overdosing 2 bottles of coughing syrup, drowning myslef. Guess death itslef doesn't want me. I am still struggling trying to cope with the harsh reality of life where ignorance is supposed to be a bliss. I went in and out of therapy, and all I can say it has been helping me alot. Writing letters and burning them down relieves me. A message out there, don't kill yourself. xoxo
From Depression To Death
I died. I watched myself die and all that I could do was stare.
I tried running to catch myself but I couldn't. I tried shouting, asking for help but I couldn't. I tried stopping myself but I couldn't. You see, that's what depression does to you. You want it to stop but you can't. You care, but not enough. Neither did I.
So, I watched myself die.
I screamed, but my voice never reached you. Perhaps, you didn't want to listen to it. When I told you that I'm going through depression, you pointed at my head and told me 'There's nothing called depression. It's all here .' If you told me that you had stomach cancer, would it make sense if I pointed at your stomach and said ' There is nothing like cancer. It is all here .' We are in the 21st century. Why don't you take depression for real? Depression does exist.
When tears were continuously running from my eyes, I was not in a state of going around or meeting anyone or talking. Only I knew what it felt like. I had to suffer this and no one would help me. People questioned me if something happened, why wasn't I talking or why I always put on a serious facade. So I had to smile and speak something.
No one knows about that mental pain. No one likes to talk about it. And yes, everyone hated me for my negativity. I was tired of trusting people. Everyone left me. I had to deal with this on my own. It was very hard, so hard to stick on and stand strong but at last, everything went in vain.
I was so fed up with all that broken heart and people giving me false assurances. I didn't talk to anyone because I assumed that something was wrong with me. I ran away from my friends. I knew that I didn't have the energy for all of this. Finally, I had disappointed everyone so much, that they couldn't stand me anymore.
At last, when I had no one next to me, depression became my best friend. She gave me a shoulder to lean on. If you hadn't mocked at my pain and laughed at my tears, I wouldn't have let depression become mine.
Depression in me gave rise to a walking corpse. Earlier, I used to write, laugh and sing but now, I cry, sleep and scream. We were best friends but eventually, I fell for her. She never left me alone. She told me that facing our problems and working through them would eventually kill us.
She lived deep inside me. She started stitching my torn heart to make sure it doesn't tear again. She came to meet me every night and pushed me into horrible memories. She threw me into a never-ending black hole. She left me with no hopes and ambitions. She brought out the artist in me. I started craving beautiful pictures on my hand. She gave rise to an actress in me. I started faking smiles and acted like nothing could consume me.
She made me cry for no reason. She had taken immense control over me. She screamed at me every day and started telling me how terrible I was. She made me replay every mistake I had ever made. She humiliated me on a daily basis. She made it impossible for me to be happy.
I decided that I did not want her to be a part of my life again. I hated her and I hated myself for ever letting her in my head and loving her. I needed help. I wanted to break up with her. The only way I could break up was by giving her my life and I did it. I died. Peacefully.
If you had helped me when I came up to you, if you had heard me and tried to comfort the crying face hiding behind a pretty smile, I wouldn't have died.
Just a request: Everyone undergoes a phase of depression at one point or the other. When your dear ones come to you, comfort them or be ready to let them run away, forever. I did not run away because I was afraid. I ran away because the only way to escape fear was to trample it within my feet. This was my way of escaping it. Don't allow others to run away, like the way I did.
#depression #contest #love #life #pain #article #depressionkills #competition #breakup #suicide #sad #cry
Use, Quit, Repeat
If I could hold your addiction, a tangible darkness, I’d drop it from shaking hands to mouth-watering tongue and swallow it whole. Let it lay heavy in my throat. Too immense to slide down my gullet. I’d take your affliction. Wide-awake, fever dreams and swollen, insomnia eyes would be easier. My insides are more stone than yours. My heart, Medusa-stare hardened. More capable of caging that ache. Instead I wake wet. Not sure if I am drenched in your sweat or your tears. And I fall back to sleep, uneasy. Your words laying heavy. A humid whisper that never leaves. I’m not using. And when you say it. It means you just did. I’m not using. Because I just did. And everything is numb. But it’ll hurt again soon. But I’m not using. Starting tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we can sleep in, because I won’t wake up screaming. I won’t wake up sobbing. I won’t wake up shaking. Because I’m not using. I swear I’m not using. And just stay tonight. I swear I’m not using. And the sun is just a little too bright today but I’m not using. I’m just tired. It was just a party. I’m not using. I know it was a hit and run, but if I stopped it’d be a whole, big thing, and I’m not using. And I didn’t mean to leave you at that house but I was in the basement, and I forgot you were waiting, and it was just one time. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be fine. And I’m sorry I stained your shirt again, but the blood will stop soon. I’m not using. And I know that you’re tired, but please, just one more night. Because tomorrow is the day. And tomorrow I won’t be using. I just can’t sleep. And please, just sit with me. Tomorrow. I’m not using. And I’ll pay you back after I turn this money around. I’m not using. And I’m just not happy. And it’s not you I swear. I love you. But could you just give me one night. Because I’m not using. Tomorrow I’m not using. But I’m just not happy tonight. It’s only because of me. It’s not because of you. It’s my dad and my ex and my job. And I just need to turn this money around, wait in the car. I’m not using. Just wait in the car. And I slept a few days ago. Don’t worry. I’m not using. Tonight was the last time. Because I’m not using. I’m not using. I’m not using. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Gimme that tray. Hold my square.
