With your heart you can love 

and your mind you can dream,

With your mouth you can smile

and with your voice you can scream,

With your trust you can fail

and your hope you can try,

Either way we’ll live,

and someday

We’ll die.

So many times i could look up at the sky

And ask why.

Why why why.

This is one of those times i look down and cry.

Nothing is fair, nothing is how it seems

I’m crying for myself, having to witness your pain

Is that as vain as it sounds? Or am i just mean?

The selfish bitch in me knows you can do better.

I’m here and I’m your helper.

Your servant. Let me show you how to love-

No not in the bedroom, though that needs cleaning up.

Love yourself first by putting yourself in the environment you deserve.

You got this girl.

they think I’m as selfish as it gets

and i haven’t done anything for myself yet.

i'm not afraid of you, i'm terrified.

just. keep yourself occupied.

ill hide - count to thirty-five.

.....

I’m getting started cutting ties with the

things that were keeping me down.

It’s a surprise

all the lies and snakes I’ve found.

I've grown wise.

I’m sorry if it hurts you but that’s

not my interest.

I just don’t know how much longer

we all can do this.

playing pretend is exhausting for me.

dust is seeping from the sides of the rug.

running away is exhausting for you.

your body has had enough.

A golden gown flowing from a throne

Lay lifeless in the lair.

Something deep down inside

Something underneath

Pushing up, out of my skin

A whale trying to breach.

No puncture made, no pain received.

Just the knowledge that it’s trapped.

(Am i the leak?)

No ones ever come back,

So they tell me.

And i wonder why, what’s so great on the other side?

That’s kept them away so long.

Here’s a letter to you, my friend.

You’ve been gone for a while.

(And now I’ll be cheesy, and talk about how the morning sun reminds me of your smile)

I never did you justice. Your lips were so so soft, and electric, it was scary.

I was just trying to celebrate New Year’s Eve.

And you left to get back to chemo,

Not with a kiss on the cheek,

You were always so bold, where i was meek.

We were so young then.

It’s the first day of my life, i thought,

As i unpacked bags for my first week of college.

Not a minute later, your death was brought to my knowledge.

“He died today, I’m so sorry” she said.

The first day of my life, and now you are dead.

You were so young then.

I never gave you a chance and slept on you, away from the pain of what i knew would come.

Your body tiny. Bones. Smile growing smaller, but never less bold.

I know. I know. I’m wallowing over something i never got to hold.

I’ll love you forever.

On a dock at sunset,

wondering how it’s so consistent.

If i was like that

would my name still fit?

In the water at midnight.

Darkness, darkness; im alright.

Feeling fine alone,

still bright out when the light is gone.

Phear of the dark,

raptured by a shadow

fear of myself

becoming someone i know-

Oh.

Well.

I think,

I was fine before you met me

Now I’m forever changed.

It’d be swell for you to forget me

but

I know you’ll never change

I know you’ll never change.

Imagination helps struggling through this hell

If you could be anyone else

I’d appreciate that.

Why would you stick around for this?

I can’t tell you how you make me feel

Brushing off my opinions

they’re not real they’re not real...

I love to sit out in the storm

Watch the lightning burn

And the thunder roar

I love to feel the rain on my face

I can’t tell you how you make me feel

But if you’d listen I’d say

You make me feel like i could be afraid of storms.

-

I’m so violently alone.

I have no one who understands or makes me feel whole.

What do i have that can even help me out?

I want to die, i think. I don’t want to have existed at all.

I want my memory to be something other than what it will be.

And what is the process of changing it? (Men in Black lasers (tm) would help.)

Everyone should forget about me. I wish.

Everyone will forget about me.

... I fear it.

Every cell feels the empty

ness of passing time.

Each second reverberates like a train.

We smile on the gravel on the side of the tracks.

I’m so violently alone. I’m not sure where to go.

I’m not even sure if i can say these things or

if my true self is so suppressed she’s limited to only typing. Typing to some distant stranger who will glance over my words out of respect for the lost soul that wrote

them. But still won’t understand. Yet will feel my same pain. I’m so violently alone.

It’s human nature. We all play this game, just given different tools and fields and rules.

But the game doesn’t change.

Survive.

Be happy.

Survive.

I’m done playing games. I’m so violently alone. I just wish you’d understand.

She whispers:

Less is more

She screams!

Echoing from a forgotten cave

Of fake ideals and big dreams

Less is more

she decided.

And refused

to spread her wings.

When the sun goes down on my side of town

I’ll be ready for you

They only see what you want them to see

Do you believe it too?

Does your shadow ruin the illusion?

Such a fun place to hide

Did you think you’d get off easy?

They’ve been watching you the whole time

Every thing you’ve ever

Every little lie

Even the time you

contradicted yourself about

thought you were completely alone -

A cold wind blows

i think i know who it’s blowin to

Why should i see another sun?

what is wrong with me that no one wants to be around me?

why am i even here.

and even when people like me

i spend too much time trying to figure out why.

i Just hate how slowly the moments drip by.

like molasses in Alaska.

even if the plan is “dystopian nightmare”

or “utopian daydream”

I’m losing the sense that any of it is worthwhile.

the socks are stuffed.

I’ve had enough.

just like that time we road tripped

and the dogs slept so peacefully in the backseat

you were so tired yet you got us home safely;

time to lay down to sleep in the passenger side once more.

Take me home.