fear
-- ceaseless --
the fist that squeezes my lungs
that sick choking sweeping
d r o w n i n g
when the thin air slips through the
cracks of my closed lips
like a whisper
pulse heavy with breath-thirsty blood
mind lead and
heavy enough to sink
a million times over : deep
every time i try and take a scraping breath
all i’m taking in is this
// fear //
this scratching wasting constricting
//fear//
that folds and shifts and hold and
f/e/a/r
eating and molding and digging and
it’s getting
hard to
breathe
.
My Quarantine With My Sister...
As you are aware that due to quarantine everyone has got time for their hobbies amidst their busy lives. And so my sister realized her potential talent of accusing blame on me for stealing her clothes. As mentioned in day 2, she is an expert at digging into my things. Today she found her clothes in my closet.
Sameera, 11years exclaimed(in fact shouted)."This was my cold shoulder top and how dare you steal it.
She was handcuffed and announces guilty. She was taken to Super Judge my mom.
Samina, 15 years, gave her sentence that borrowing stuff isn't called as stealing.
Before the judge could announce anything. Samina escaped and then began the wars. And my sister's specialty is unfolding my secrets in front of my mom when she is angry. (I know you all might visualize this scene if you have younger siblings.)
The best thing about fights is a guilty pleasure of troubling your sibling.
I Feel Mentally Sick
Feelings
churn
deep in my stomach
(away from my heart).
And sometimes
they bubble up
(begging to escape)
b u r n i n g
all of my tender flesh.
My feelings are acidic monsters
that terrorize my body
into convulsions.
(why can’t they just go away?)
But no matter how far I push them down
they always
find their way
back up
into
a messy
e x p l o s i o n.
Meltdown
I called to check up on my annuity with Prudential. The young man said, "You said you were a nurse. How is it going where you are?"
Suddenly my chin began to quiver. My voice changed to this raspy laryngeal tightened tearful talk. I told the young man I'd had a meltdown yesterday and apologized for obviously busting out in tears on the phone. I explained the hospital has asked me to come out of psychiatry and use my med/surg ICU skills as they are transforming the third floor into a "Covid Unit." I explained my fears of not having N-95's and that I was being morally challenged and afraid. I then explained how the Vet won't see my dog because I'm a nurse.
The prisons here are tripling their positives including gaurds who have quit. My unit gets their mentally ill ones, both facilities ignoring the governor's orders not to transfer and they are doing it without testing.
My cousin is a nurse who's sister asked her to leave. She then went to a friend who would not let her stay so she is moving in with me today.
He was so kind to me (which made me cry again). He told me how much I was needed and thanked me.
Thanks Jim!
