A town can hold such a place in one’s life for years, and suddenly morph into a different significance, within the bat of an eye. As a child I remember the sleepy streets, lined with neat mounds of snow. The hills looked friendlier, echoing of the mischievous stories from my father’s youth. The stale smell of cigarettes hung in my grandfather’s trailer like thick drapes, following him wherever he went. I knew my parents didn’t want me close to the smoke, but I breathed in deep.

Age is a funny thing, because it starts out fast, then slow and fast again. My family looked so tired in the yellow light of the funeral home. Tired but dedicated to welcoming me with embraces, and warmth. We were, after all, given a task by being given each other. As we drove down the road, I couldn’t look away from the white hills, wondering what they could be hiding. Maybe stories, maybe bears, maybe nothing. I thought to myself that I might like to stay a while. Maybe one day, I’ll come back and stay a while.

Maybe attempting to understand the beautiful but foreign language written across our hearts is where we’ve gone wrong. We could be meant to leave it alone, not meant to explore the tugging in our chests we feel repetitively each night. It’s like trying to make out shapes in the dark, but a warm darkness, like a summer night when you’re outside and not alone. Home can be everywhere, but I only feel it with you. I think you’re brave and I want to feel brave too. I don’t feel anything when most people are around; no presence, no life, no curiosity. But I’m curious. I’m beginning to understand that curiosity leads to a warm, contented torment. I wonder, and my sense of what is concrete crumbles. When you feel the weight of tears creeping under your eyelids; the tugging, every night while your eyes are wide; the pain in everyone’s eyes, half hidden and ancient; then you know.

This didn’t begin with us, and it won’t end with us.

He told me I'm the perfect friend,

beautiful and honest

His fingers trail up my thigh

then they move beyond it 

Planting kisses like seeds of hope 

down my stomach, thoughtfully placed 

I can see the promise in your shapes 

And freedom as it spreads across your face 

I will look sorrow in the eyes 

And make it fear me

I haven't lost my touch,

Only misplaced it while I ran.

We forget too soon

That there is more than what we see

And more than what we know 

If we remembered, as if it were a duty,

Maybe we'd be a little quieter

Or even a little louder.

Protect yourself 

From forgetting who you are,

Lied to by fleeting emotions 

And people who won't allow their own wounds to heal.

You and I are like 

Oil and water 

My anticipation was thick

Though I knew if I looked harder 

I could see through you 

But after all this time 

I'm coming to terms 

With separation

Am I going there tonight?

Will I let that part of me be searched?

I dig my fingers into the earth

As I wait for twilight to give birth

The sky succumbs to night

And I remember all those little things you said which

Still provide me with a little bit of light

Don't let things stay in their place.

Let go.

Let them go.

Don't be afraid to be alone.

Don't be afraid to really think.

I know you've been keeping secrets from yourself.

Let them fall around you, just so.